The Little Voice of Forgotten Hope

So, I'm riding the bus to work this morning, listening to music on my iPhone and playing Solitaire. This is my morning routine. Well, today I was listening to the album The Long Fall Back To Earth by Jars of Clay. It's a pretty solid album, actually. I highly recommend it.

Any way, so I'm halfway through the album and a little voice asks me "Why are you still holding on to your burden? I'm here for you. It's okay to let go."

I almost lose it right there. Everything from the past six months starts slipping away and I'm fighting back the tears so hard right now. A massive weight is already starting to ease off of me.

I keep so much to myself. The pressure I've been putting on myself has been so great that I've been feeling like I'm going to crack for months now. This burden has been so great and all this time it really hasn't been necessary in the first place.

So, now I shed the skin. It is time for me to grow and change once more. It's time for me to let go and move on. And I do believe I'm going to be okay.

Sunday Sanctuary #1

So, as I've mentioned before, God is a very important and intrical part of my life. So I have decided to devote a post every Sunday to Him. The following is actually a post I had made to a group I belong to on Facebook during the week of Holy Week (the week between Palm Sunday and Easter, if you aren't familiar). Here it is:

"Abba, Father," he cried out, "everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." -Mark 14:36 (NLT)

From the moment He looked upon Jerusalem to the moment He drew His last breath, the final week of Jesus' life was filled with this one thought. He was experiencing the full brunt of His own mortality and even the knowledge of His own resurrection did not pacify the fear and dread that filled Him during a period we now call Holy Week. As He rode in on that donkey, He knew it would be the last time He would ever do it. This was it and there was no turning back. He was a dead man walking, and the worst part was that no one else had any idea of the events that were about to unfold.

Now, I bring this up for two reasons: Number one is that we tend to dehumanize Jesus. Not in a bad way-just in the way we do with every other historical figure. We forget that these were real people with real lives. People with real emotions. They are no different than we are now. 

The second reason is to fully show how much He loves us. He could have turned back. He could have called forth a thousand angels ("Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels?" -Matthew 26:53) and prevented His own execution. But He didn't. Instead, He went through one of history's worst documented tortures and executions because He knew that was the only way to save the human race. It was the only way to turn the tide and save us from a fate far worse than death. 

So, as Holy Week comes to a close, remember that this was the ultimate act of love.

Dating, and a possible explanation as to the perpetual bachelor thing

So, one thing that has perplexed my friends and family, is the fact that I am a perpetual bachelor. They've just grown to accept that I'm single and that status is in no danger of changing any time in the foreseeable future. Which just so happens to be a fact that I have come to accept, myself.

So, to begin with, let's get a few things out in the open. Yes, I am straight. As the Macklemore lyric goes, I've loved girls since before Pre-K. I'm not anti-relationship by any means, nor do I think that I will be single forever. I've had some...hiccups in the dating arena in the past, which has led to some trust issues that I'm still working to resolve. That actually is the first reason why I'm single.

The second, and this is the one that confuses people, is that I genuinely enjoy being single. I'm a very independent person with a very active schedule (both work and otherwise), so the last thing I would want a girlfriend to feel is squeezed into my life. If I'm going to be with someone, she would need to be a significant part of my life and I honestly do not have the ways or means to make that happen. Plus, as I've said before, I'm a very independent person and I love doing my own thing; many times just by myself. It's pretty awesome, actually. I don't get lonely that often, and if I do, I have friends and family I can spend time with.

The third is that I honestly do not have a solid clue as to what (or really who) I am looking for in a potential mate. Sure, I have some ideas, but nothing really concrete. That alone has caused issues in the past. Someone who can communicate effectively is obviously in the running, of course. I have a very low tolerance for drama and high maintenance people. I need someone who, not only has a solid idea of what she wants out of life, but is pursuing it, or is at least in the process of pursuing it. I need someone who is very physically active and loves being in the outdoors. I need someone who will see the worst of me and know (and support me during these times) that it's only something that is occurring in my life and not a permanent situation. Someone who actually wants to spend their life with me and help me share my life with them. Someone who will make me laugh and make me think. A creative spirit and a voracious reader would be most excellent. These are just some of the things that I am looking for in a mate. 

Thankfully, no one has really questioned why I am still single. It's pretty obvious that, for the most part, I've got this nailed down (and I am trying to improve where I can, when I can). I suspect that many of them are holding out hope that I will re-enter the dating scene soon. To be honest, I'm hoping for the same thing. 

So, there it is for you. Hopefully it makes some semblance of sense. I will make one point in closing: I do need to begin a family sometime soon. As far as I'm aware, I'm the last male with my last name. Which means that there is the possibility of the name dying with me. Which would sadden me to a great degree.

Stoked for tonight

If you're not familiar with the Toblowsky Files, it's a podcast by the actor Stephen Toblowsky. They are phenomanly brilliant. Tonight I am heading to Seattle to a live recording of an episode of the podcast with my dear friend Kati (whom I haven't seen in years).

I wouldn't miss this for the world. Happy Saturday, folks.

Morning Thoughts

Alarm.

You senselessly drag me from one reality

Void of limit and reason

To this Earth

Bound by laws both natural and man made

It matters not to you when I slipped into slumber

Your duty has been performed and your contract is done.

Oh, how I wish to silence you forever.

And finally get the rest I truly deserve

A steadfast love beckons me to the kitchen

You wait patiently for me in a pot.

The house is filled with the aroma of your dark, liquid magic

Transformed from the beans from faraway lands

To become an elixir or life in my humble abode.

The best part of waking up is you in my cup.

A pale pink eases into the sky.

Accompanied by the melody of various birds outside my window.

Any last thoughts of sleep are dashed away by the imminent schedule of the new day.

So, alas, my bed, I must bid you ado.

However, it won't be too long before I return to you. 

In the beginning...

Once again I am taking a stab at this blogging thing. This is actually the third blog that I've written (the second one only had a couple posts on it. *ahem*). The reason why I have begun yet another involves something that happened to me earlier today:

So, slight back story, I am a temp working at a data processing site. Which means my day job is literally the most mind numbing thing I have ever done in my entire life. I'm grateful for the employment, but the amount of mental stimulation required is minimal at best. A guy who works there suggested to me that instead of listening to music, I listen to podcasts. Since I have been working by myself, the thought of human interaction, even in the digital format, appealed to me greatly. In searching through the innumerable amount of podcasts out there (holy crap, people! It's insane how many there are out there), I stumbled across an interview that Jenna von Oy did for the podcast Who Writes This Stuff. Curiosity struck me and I began to listen.

Now for some further back story: Way back when, I corresponded with Jenna on MySpace. Yes, MySpace. That should give you a solid clue how long ago it was. It lasted for a few months (six at the most), and then I discovered Facebook and lost all touch with her. It would surprise me immensely if she even remembers it. We talked coffee (one of my few true loves) and life. Her first CD came out during that time and I gave her my honest opinion of it. The last track is Amazing Grace and it is one of the most moving versions of the song I have ever heard. She told me the significance of it, which, unfortunately slips my mind. Anyway, I digress.

Fast back forward to today. One of the things she talked about during the interview was writing and the creative process. Especially the importance of creating and how necessary it is to artists to create. As a writer, it awoken a spark that has been dormant for far too long. I feel the most alive when I am making a creation with words. Yet, I honestly cannot recall the last time I have written something of even vague significance. Even poetry, which is pretty much my go-to when I can't write anything else, has fallen by the wayside in the pursuit of life. Which, for me, is not really living. If I'm not writing, there is a part of me missing. A void that cannot be filled any other way than to put pen to paper.

I came to the conclusion that this needs to change. I'm starting a new blog as a fresh start to a future career in writing. Also, as April is National Poetry Month and this is the last day of it, I will be writing a poem tonight, as well. This blog will be two things: one is, obviously, a place to put my life experiences and the random rumblings from my mind and, two, a gateway into me writing other things, as well.

In closing, I do have some disclaimers. Here goes:

1) I am writing this now, and will continue to do so, on my iPhone. I do not own a computer and I am constantly on the go, so this works best for me. I bring this up because of autocorrect and how "helpful" it can be. 

2. There will be swearing. I will limit my vulgarity as much as possible, but there will be times when it will be the only way I can express myself. I do apologize in advance if I offend you. 

3. I will talk about God. He is a very intricate part of my life and a solid reason why I am alive today. While there won't be any sermons from me (for I am far from worthy enough to give one), I will be bringing Him up from time to time.

4. I will be honest on here. This is my life, uncensored (for the most part). While parts are going to be funny and quixotic, others will be very dark and personal. I am an excellent example of the saying "Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future" (Oscar Wilde) and this blog will touch on both themes consistently. That, as they say, is life for you.

5. The fifth and final note for you is that you are about to enter the inner sanctum of my life and my mind. Tangents will happen frequently. The same goes for me losing track of what I was about to say mid-sentence. The memory is a wonderful thing, or so I'm told, anyway. Also, my interests are exceedingly varied and equally random. A perfect example of this was when I suffered a bit of insomnia (something I endure too much of) recently and my mind took me through a bizarre journey that started with quantum physics, which led to a possible scientific explanation on the resurrection of Christ to suddenly thinking about Elizabethan era theatre. No warning or anything. Just, boom, switch . You will be encountering this.

So, welcome to the journey, Dear Reader. Pop some popcorn and let's do this.