Acceptance.

Not everything is meant to work out. Not every company that you work for, friendship that you start, or living situation that you enter is supposed to last. Nothing is guaranteed in life. Nothing. If we are lucky, truly lucky, these things that we imagine are permanent will last for a few decades. Some people remain at the same company for 50 years and have just as long marriages. But, in the end, death or other circumstances will eventually end that, too.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. I have had to walk away from toxic jobs, relationships, and even friendships in an act of self-preseveration. I even moved halfway across the country when work completely dried up in the state where I spent most of my life. Doors close and open; and if we are truly fortunate, we know why. Because, let's be honest, sometimes even hindsight isn't 20/20.

It's been an interesting month for me. I spent the first half of it homeless. I won't go into details, but there was a lot of spontaneous couch surfing and last minute moving. Even where I'm at now isn't a permanent situation, but I accept it for what it is. Change has happened daily and often with little to no warning. Doors opening and closing with almost neck-breaking velocity. And through all the turmoil I have begun to accept that I don't necessarily have to know the "why" things are going the way they are and just accept that change and death are the two only fixtures in life.  I'm not going to lie- I've been undergoing a very strong bout of depression all month. Self-doubt, immense anger, and bitterness have clouded my head for much of this month. I have been cutting myself off from people by choice because I know that I have not been the best to be around. There's been times when I just couldn't handle being around the human race, so I walked away. No warning, no explanation, just left. And I came back when I was in a better head space.

There has been some good things that have come from this. I know who my friends are now and just the extent of how much they love me. I'm probably the closest to my mom than I've been in a long time. It's one thing to suspect who has your back and a whole other thing when they follow through-even when, in the beginning, they found out through the word of mouth of others. My "safety net" (if you will) is strong. Much stronger than I ever would have expected. And the love and support I have received from them has brought me to tears more than once this month. I have felt so alone and they have undeniably proven that I'm not. Which was something I desperately needed to have affirmed. It is also looking like there's a strong change that I'm going to become a custodian for one of the local schools. Hardly glamorous, but the pay is almost $2 more an hour than I have ever made and the benefits are spectacular. It's also a Monday through Friday job. No more uncertainty for my schedule. Which will also give me the freedom to write-which is something I've waited years for.

If I get the custodian position, it means that I'm walking away from 15 years in the customer service and sales field. I'm walking away from the one solid profession I have held since my senior year in high school. That...has been a hard pill to swallow. I'm damn good at what I do, but I've reached a point where I'm pretty much un-hireable if I continue down this path. I don't have a college education or a tech background and I've reached a point where my experience is pretty much pointless because of this. So I'm walking away from a decade and a half of my life and accepting defeat. To know that, no matter where I apply, the positions I apply for, I'm "unworthy" of what their looking for in a candidate has been hard. This door is finally closing, and it may be closing for good.

On the flip-side, it also makes me realize that, if I were to continue to pursue, and receive, these sales positions, then I will never become published. The life of a salesman is constantly changing and schedules are in constant fluctuation. You are on the constant hunt for the bottom dollar. And, work-life balance? If you're lucky, you can land a job with semi-regular hours that will give you the illusion of this. If I become a custodian, I will finally gain that freedom in my life and still receive a nice paycheck to boot. I can finally, actually, become the writer (and author) I've always imagined I could become. I can finally buckle down and complete NaNoWriMo. I can finally see my name in print; which is something that hasn't happened since high school. I can finally create the worlds and breathe into life characters once again. And I can finally start doing what I was put on this Earth to do.

This month has been painful. This year has been full of chaos. I have been filled with uncertainty and doubt for most of this period. But no storm is permanent. Not all pain is perpetual. If there has been one thing that this month has re-taught me is that to accept that the illusion of control we assume we have, we really don't. Things change, people chance, circumstances change. Even pain is an agent of change. So, I end this post with a quote: "If you're going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill.