Irreplaceable.

In an effort to purge Harvey  (see Purging Harvey 8/19/2016) tonight, I took a hot shower to try and nail down why I was feeling low. I'm certain a good portion of it is that the weather has taken a turn for the dark and dreary. But there's was something else, underlaying that I couldn't figure out until just now.

I have a genuine fear of being replaceable.

Which, in all honesty, I had no idea I had until just now. As far as phobias, go, it's 100% valid. For starters, we all die, and, thus, there will be a time when we just are no longer here. It's a phobia that those who struggle with depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies have in greater strength than those who don't suffer from those. It's also, in my opinion, one of the leading causes of addiction. We fear that we're going to be replaced by those we love, so we turn to substances that will never abandon us (using the "royal we" here).  I have also been in many a situation where I actually was replaced. Suddenly and completely. I've been fired, laid off, and had my heart broken quite a few times. There's been other things in my past that also validate this fear; but I'm not going to go into them right now.

Now that I got to the root of what was making me morose, I did something that immediately gave me a 180: I said the words "I'm not replaceable" out loud. It was like a boulder rolling off my shoulders. And it's also 100% valid.

There are plenty of people who are like me, but there's only one me. There's only one person on this Earth who has had all of my experiences. All of my dreams. All of my failures. All of my friends and family. Even all of my things. There has only been one me and there will always be one me. No one can take that from me. I may lose more jobs. I may lose more friends and love interests, but I will never lose me until I pass from this life.

I am irreplaceable. You are irreplaceable. Stop living life like someone can take your place. No one can and no one ever will.