The Thoughts That Cost Me Slumber

It's just after midnight and sleep is being elusive once again. You can't really blame the heat this time (although that has been the obvious culprit for the past month) and it's not for lack of exhaustion, either. No, once again, my brain has made the decision that sleep is unnecessary and that now is the time to revisit my recent past. Which leads me here, once again.

Today was a good day. I am still searching for another job, but I had an interview that went really well. Extremely well, actually. In fact, towards the end of it, both the women I was interviewing with and myself came to the same conclusion that the position I had originally applied for would not be a good fit for me and to try a different position with the same company instead. That kind of candor is extremely rare, but I have noticed that with every startup that I interview with, there is zero mystery as to what I would be getting myself into and complete transparency as to what the next step is (or if there will be one in the first place). After that, I went home and hit the hunt hard. Occupationally, it is far better to have too many options than none at all. And I am not one who sits idly-for anything. Patience may be a virtue, but it has never been one that I have possessed.

A friend of mine recommended recently that I start looking into anti-depressants. I explained to him that (other than cost) my primary concern is that I will become dependent, or even addicted to them. His concern for me is entirely valid and it's something that I have considered for myself. Which is why as soon as I have the means, I'm going to start taking St. John's Wort. I've done my research and it seems to be the best available option. Minimal risk of addiction, easily available, easily affordable, and it's an herb as opposed to a pill. Thus, minimal chance of side effects. I'm also going to be getting back into shape; and I've even been looking at exercises that will help me gain that ever elusive six pack. Even if I don't achieve it, building up my core will help my back out exponentially. Which will lesson my overall daily pain, thus improving both my physical and mental health. An all around win.

The state I live is is notorious for being extremely wet, yet I cannot remember the last time that it rained. We are going through a severe drought and fires are springing up everywhere. This worry alone is keeping me up at night. Temperatures have been much higher than normal and it's rare that we even have a cloudy day. At first, I would jokingly say "This is why I left Texas" and now I mean it. In fact, if anything, the area down there where I was living has gotten more rain than we have.

There's other things, many other things, that are going through my head right now; but I don't have it in me right now to divulge them. I will leave you with a bit of good news, though. It genuinely feels like my life is leaving the holding pattern it was in and things are going to be moving suddenly and quickly. I will also say that it looks like my desire to move to Seattle will once again become a reality before the end of the year. I don't want to go into details, but, while the present doesn't look the best, the future looks to be an amazing place.

Just Breathe

So, there's a song out there by Telepopmusik called Breathe. If you're not familiar with it, it's an EDM song with beautiful female vocals. If you're not familiar with it, the refrain "Just breathe, just breathe, another day" is repeated over and over. It The whole song is melodically soothing and has a calming effect every time I hear it. Like releasing a long held breath that you didn't realize you were holding.

One of my bad habits that I will fully admit that I have is that I overthinking things. Lots of things. Most things, really. Not to the point where I'm indecisive about everything. But the point where I over-complicate things and instinctively do things the hard way. It's always how I've been and I know that is how I will always be. Which is why some of the absolute best advice I have ever gotten (and need to be reminded of with frequency) is "just breathe". Just stop. And breathe.

Now, before you think of me as a basket case (or perhaps, you've already have suspected this), I am capable of making decisions. I make loads of them. All the time. I listen to my gut and follow my instinct. In fact, most of the decisions I make on my feet and in the moment. I not only trust my intuition, but others rely on it as well. When I'm in the moment, I am capable of making massive, possibly even life changing decisions in seconds. There's been times when I have had to do just that.

But, it's the other times. The times when I'm entrenched in a situation and I'm not allowing myself to seek out outside influences to help me make a decision. The times when a problem went from having a simple solution to a complicated outcome. Or, rather, when my brain sees an ant hill and decides to start mountain building. When my brain takes a simple "yes" or "no" question and I have to evaluate all aspects of what I am being asked. Or when I set forth on a task that should only take a few minutes, but complications arise (for any given reason) and my brain enters problem solving mode. When I actually stop breathing and my own intellect becomes my own worst enemy. When I become my own worst enemy.

This is why music is so cathartic to me. I can shut out the rest of the world and shut myself out, as well. When my headphones are in, the world becomes a small and feasible. I stop over-analyzing every minute detail and just...do. I just breathe.

So, that's what this post is about. I'm passing on the advice to you. Just breathe. Just let go of everything you think you need to consider and listen to your gut. In through your nose, out through your mouth, and do.

The Space In-between

So, to begin, I'm in a weird place mentally. I'm not down and I'm not depressed, which, theoretically I should be, all things considered. I'm not numb or indifferent, either. In fact, if anything, despite all evidence, I'm actually cautiously optimistic about the future. I still feel like things are not only going to fall into place, but are in the process of doing so. Despite the recent "hiccup" in my employment, I feel like things are still on track towards a pretty amazing future.

Speaking of employment, I am wiping the slate clean. I have my focus of Seattle startup companies and, thankfully, there's a plethora of them out there to apply to. I have an interview tomorrow morning with one of them and I really actually dig them. In fact, if anything, they may actually be a better fit for me than Porch was; and it's a non-sales position, which is even better. I'm trying to not "fall in love with them", but my fingers are crossed that I land it. The really nice thing about them is that they're a very dog friendly company, and I am a huge dog lover. Being surrounded by dogs all day (they encourage employees to bring their pooches in) has me really excited to work there. But, like Porch, they're not my only focus and I'm still very much plugging away at the job search.

I'm dreaming again, which is weird for me. I rarely dream and the fact that it's happened two nights in a row is bizarre to me. The previous night I dreamed that I had a two year old daughter that I shared custody with. The mother was unseen in the dream, but my daughter was blonde and I knew that she had gotten it from her mother. I also recall that I was on good terms with the unseen mother, but we were separated because being in a relationship with each other wasn't a good thing (for whatever reason). And then last night I dreamed of a barista I used to be really closed to. She and I were on really good terms and had worked out our differences. Which, for both dreams, caused me to wake up feeling greatly confused.

 I'm holding fast to my goals this time. Adversity breeds growth, if you're willing to learn the hard lessons. I'm not letting go of what I honestly believe will be a fantastic future, just because I am going through a somewhat rocky present. I am nothing if not determined and perseverance is one of my strong suits. I know what industry I want to work in, the role I want to play in said industry, and even where I want to move to before the end of the year. I am open to the possibility of a relationship and there's even someone who I have been talking to as of late.

I know not what the future holds, but it's up to me to seize it. Onward and upward, my friends.

Stronger

Today has been a long day. A productive day, but also a long one as well. This was the first day that I truly buckled down on the job hunt and I lost track of how many applications I submitted. Even though there was a wide variety in different places, they all had one thing in common: I actually wanted to work there.

You see, as bad as the firing was (in the fact that I was just rejected from a company that I love), it was a massive wake up call. I am not (within reason, of course) limited to where I can work. The only one holding me back is me and the only one limiting my success is me. I am, as the saying goes, my own worst enemy. Porch showed me that, just because I do not have a college degree, I am not truly limited to where I can work. Sure, it most definitely helps. I'm not going to lie. But there were whole companies that I was avoiding applying to because I felt like I wouldn't even get hired on. I was shooting myself in the foot before I even gave myself a chance. Porch opened my eyes that, just because one position isn't available due to my lack of higher education, it doesn't mean that all the positions within that company are out of reach.

Speaking of which, I re-applied to Porch this afternoon. This time I went for an inside sales position; which is perfect considering that is what I have the most experience in. I also applied to a manager's position; and since I also have years of experience, I figured that I would give it a shot. But the real reason I re-applied was to show myself that I could. There was a lot of hesitation before hitting "send" on the application, but after I did, I felt a weight come off my shoulders. So I continued and found other positions within that company to apply to. There was even one position I accidentally applied twice to. Oops.

As promised, I'm definitely not keeping my eggs in one basket this time around. In fact, I didn't even re-apply to Porch until the end of the day. I am, however, looking at other start-ups in Seattle. I thoroughly enjoyed the atmosphere in which I worked in; and I'm definitely looking to replicate that in the next place that I work at-wherever that may be.

I am stronger. My adult life has been, for lack of a better term, rocky, and this was just one of the many blows that I have received. I have taken a proverbial beating, but I'm still on the mat and I'm still swinging. I don't give up easily and this is just one more storm that I am going through. As hard as this was, this was not the end of me. With each dawn comes another chance to rise above the ashes. With each daybreak comes another opportunity to rise above. the trials and tribulations of my past. I know not how many days are left in the invisible calendar of my life, but I'm going to make sure that I make each one matter.

As the saying goes: "This too, shall pass."

Left Behind

Sometimes, the thing that you fear the most will happen, does. Monday, so two days ago, I was released from Porch due to the lack of sales on my part. The term that was used, which is probably the most humane way to phrase it, is that they decided it was "time to part ways". This will not be an easy post to write, so please bear with me as I'm still dealing with this.

First off, I'm not surprised. Remotely. This particular position was not a good fit for me and I fully acknowledge it. I struggled every day and they gave me far more chances than I would have given me if the roles had been reversed. From a manager's standpoint, they had no other option than to let me go. You can fully believe in something, pour your heart and soul into it, and still not be any good at it. The analogy I used in that meeting was that Michael Phelps (the gold medal winning swimmer) can't throw a three pointer. To be honest, I'm not sure if this is true or not, but it's the best analogy I could think of in that moment. I guess a more fitting one would be that you wouldn't expect Michael Jordan to climb a mountain. I can be incredibly amazing in sales, but (as is perfectly evident) completely terrible when it comes to cold calling. Regardless of how much I believe in the company that I work for and how much good it does to the companies that I'm reaching out to. In fact, one of the things that is admitted from all the sales managers is how brutal the job can be. I fully respect them for what they did and in the humane way that they let me go.

Second, this is the first company that I've left, for any reason, that I would consider coming back to. Period. The role I was in was not a good fit for me, but the company most definitely was. They truly are doing good things and treat their employees phenomenally. I stand by them one hundred percent and, if I were a homeowner, I would use Porch myself to find a home improvement contractor. To get what it's like to work there, watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHLpaT20to0 There is a solid reason why I fell in love with this company and why I wouldn't hesitate to work there again if the opportunity arises. Actually, the interesting thing is that when I first applied to Porch, I applied to the sales position that I would wind up getting offered, and an account management position. At the end of my first week at Porch, I met up with a couple account managers and asked them what exactly they did, and what was described to me sounded like a much better fit than the sales position that I had accepted. When I worked at the bank in Texas, the thing I enjoyed most about my job was actually sitting down with one of my customers and helping them with their account. On the personal side, I've helped friends build their LinkedIn profiles and have written resumes for them from the bits and pieces of information that they have given me. Friends actually come to me to have me go over their resumes so they can land the jobs that they are pursuing. I know I would do extremely well in that particular role, and, now that I'm an external candidate, I plan on pursuing it.

The third thing, and this was rather surprising as it's never happened before, is that in the brief time that I have been unemployed, I have been approached by two different recruiters. The opportunity, as it appears, to get back on the horse is there. But it also means that I would have to leave behind Porch. Because there aren't any open account manager positions available and one of the two recruiters is approaching me with an account executive position, it might be time to truly "part ways"' regardless of how much I care about them. Not sever ties, by any means, but to let go and move on.

My brief time at Porch taught me a lot. They showed me that there are still some ethical companies out there that are truly doing good work. They showed me that you actually can go to work and have a good time at the same time. They showed me that it was possible to sever ties with the corporate world and still land on your feet. They showed me that there are still some companies out there that truly value both their employees and their customers. They showed me that there are still some companies out there that have big dreams and aren't afraid to "get scrappy" to achieve them. They showed me that perseverance in the face of utmost adversity is still something that is respected in the workplace. They showed me that there are still places out there that you can work at and not feel yourself lose your humanity. They showed me that failure (to an extent) is still an acceptable thing in the workplace; so as long as it is used as a building block to success. They showed me that there are still companies out there that care. And they're being run by people that care.

What happened sucks. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't still feeling the sting of this. But that doesn't change the experiences I had while I was there; doesn't end the friendships that I built there; and doesn't change the fact that I truly loved working there. What it does change is the bar in which I have set for my future employers. No more will I settle for less because it brings in a pay check. No more will I settle for less because it's "safe". Not only have my standards been raised significantly, but I know now that there are companies out there that will meet and exceed them.

Fighting For Tomorrow

So… Not sure why I picked that particular title. But I’m on a bus, my phone is dead, and that’s the first thing that popped into my head. So, for now, there you go. I might change the title later. I might not. Who knows. It’s a mystery for now.

Anyway. First things first: I love my job. I genuinely do. Which is the problem. Any time I actually care about where I work, I overthink it. Every time. In fact, any time I actually care about anything in my life I overthink it. This blog, for the record, doesn’t count; because it allows me to vent and get things off my mind. Umm…see what I did right here? My point exactly. Moving on.

Before you reconsider who I am as a person, it’s not that I want to stop caring about this job so I get better. It’s that I want to get better so my job won’t go away. To quote myself, I’m having an “existential occupational crisis.” I care too much, thus I’m too much in my head, thus I’m overcomplicating the process. And, considering I have to wake up at 3AM to ensure that I get to work on time, free time is a premium. Even for blogging. To put it nicely. I hate mornings and I would rather wake up at…way too early than ever consider changing jobs, or even teams. I can honestly attest that I have had a plethora of hard days and not a single “bad day”. Especially even considering how many set-backs I’ve had thus far. I’ve been sworn at (in multiple languages, mind you), hung up on almost daily, had a good majority of disconnected phone calls and people who don’t’ return my calls; and I still wake up hours before dawn and face it Monday through Friday. That. That right there is how much I care and how much this company means to me. And this is why I won’t quit. Period.

Which brings us back to doe. I’m the only one on my team who (at this point and time) has not made a single sale. Considering I have a solid decade and a half of sales experience under my belt, that hurts my pride, to say the least. It smarts. I might not be alone in this (everyone from the CEO down is incredibly supportive of, well, everyone. And even little ‘ol me is feeling like I’m not alone in this) but that doesn’t change where I am mentally and occupationally right now. I honestly do not know how much longer they will keep me on board if this pattern continues. And nothing scares me more. Simply put, I care because they care. I care because what I am doing actually matters. I care, because, even little ‘ol me, has a butterfly effect on the rest of the company. That, right there, is at the forefront of my brain as I attempt sleep at night. In short, I care because this company is worth caring for.

During the first week on the job, they have you fill out your “why”. Why are you here and why do you want to be here? That’s a heavy question. But, honestly, it’s an honest one. Working for a start-up company, there is zero room for mediocrity.  You’re either in a thousand percent in or you’re not in at all. You’re not just a cog in the wheel, you’re one of the main pieces. Regardless of your roll and how long you’ve been there, you’re either in or you’re out. There’s no middle ground. And change happens by the second.

If this sounds like a weird love letter to the company that I work for, it, in a bizarre little way, is. Working here has given me hope for the future; and while that sounds like a normal, mundane thing, I promise you it’s not. This is my biggest "why" that I've given. Allow me to go into detail the most effective, albeit, heart wrenching and most poignant way I can think of:

Since the age of 22, I have lost someone I’ve been completely close to every five years (on the nose). In 2003, I lost my Dad, pretty much right in front of my eyes, to an asthma attack. I still, to this day, am pretty sure I watched him die. Or at least witnessed the immediate moments after the fact. That alone changes someone; and I have the date tattooed on my left calf. It is the one most prominent, defining moment in my life, bar none. Not to be too heavy, but I have never been married and I have no children, so I don’t have a power positive life event to counteract that pain.

Fast forward four years when my grandmother, my dad’s mother, was in the advanced stages of dementia (or actual Alzheimer’s, we’re not sure which) and watching a life time of memories be completely erased from someone’s life. She didn’t know who she was, where she was, or what was going on. She knew her husband, and that was pretty much it. I was living with her and taking care of her and I would be willing to bet that she didn’t know who I was most days.  During that time, my grandfather (her husband) was in the process of losing his leg to diabetes. So I’m taking on this all on my own. While all this is going on, I’m still an assistant manager to the book store I was working at and giving college a stab at. I, not surprisingly, would flunk out not long before her death and I honestly have had no desire to go back. It is what it is.  

Not to add my own pain to the mix, but just over five years after my dad passed, I had a cancer scare of my own. There was (and I guess still is) a lump on my right kidney. I went through six months of the worst physical pain of my entire life; and at the end of it, the most the doctor’s guessed was that it was a “clustered cyst”. No actual tests for cancer have been performed.

Three years after her passing, my grandfather (my dad’s dad) is having some serious troubles swallowing his food, and even water. He goes in to get it checked out and they tell him he’s in the advanced stages of thyroid cancer. Over the next six months, I watch him go from someone who has been severely obese his entire life to withering away and not gaining an ounce. I was also completely unemployed and having no luck finding a job-despite actual months of looking. The grand toll of...everything was hitting me hard and my dear sister offered me a way out: Move to Texas and start over. A fresh re-beginning to life. I took it and not even two months later I was living half way across the country in a state I had only visited twice. While I admittedly felt guilt at the time (and, without a doubt, still do to this day) for “abandoning” my grandfather, I personally was not capable of taking care of him any longer. Remaining there would have destroyed us both. It was already in the process of doing so when I, essentially, fled to Texas. Not quite two years after I moved down there, I got a text from my aunt asking if I had any last words for him. Before I had a chance to respond to her text message, he had passed away.

Death, you could say, is never not on my doorstep. There are few that I know who fully understand the full brutal fragility of life.

This blog post isn’t a pity party for me. I accept the “beautiful storm” that life is. It is in going through all that I have that has made me the fighter that I am. Is the process ugly and hard? Sure. Without a doubt. But all the struggles, even the worst ones, I have a work pale in comparison to the ones that I have had in my personal life. I fight every day that I’m there to ensure that Porch outlasts me. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I will not live forever. But if I can leave a legacy while I’m still here; then I will do everything I can to ensure that that happens.

Chasing the Dream

I don't like the word "impossible". I don't. If there has been one glaring message in my life, it's that "impossible" is just a word in the dictionary used by those who are too scared to chase their dreams. The speed in which change happens in your life is, well, instantaneous. Some one is born and some one dies (almost) every second. People win the lotto and get fired from their jobs. The only thing constant in life is change. And with that ever present movement is possibility.

You have in your power to say at any time, "this is not how it's going to end". This is not how I want circumstances to go and I'm going to do whatever it takes to change. With the obvious exception of catastrophic disaster, there isn't much in your life that isn't in your control.  Sure, it may take years, decades even, of hard work, but success is possible. Look at this amazing fact: There was only a 69 year gap between when man first took flight and man walked on the moon. In fact, the first man to fly and the first man to walk on the moon were alive at the same time. Neil Armstrong was 17 when Orville Wright died. Fast forward to 2012 when Felix Baumgartner skydived from space; and he even landed on his feet.

Diseases that once wiped out whole populations, now no longer exist due to modern medicine. Man had stepped foot on all seven continents before electricity was a common thing. With the help of telescopes, both Earthbound and ones in space, we have found galaxies, solar systems, and even exo-planets that are light years upon light years away. As I type this, there is talk of a team that is planning on a one-way trip to Mars.

The point to all this is that dreams are powerful. The bigger the dream, the bigger the catalyst to not only change your life, but change the world entire. So, stop believing in "impossible." The only person you're holding back is yourself.