As I lay here tonight, wide awake, I figured it's time for me to address an issue I've struggled with pretty much all of my adult life: insomnia. It's one of those things that I can almost assuradely attribute to some traumas I have experienced and the stresses that both life and myself place on, well, me. More nights than I care to count have been spent being wide awake and thoroughly frustrated by this fact. Getting my brain to shut off when it is supposed to is a constant struggle of mine.
Now, it's not an entirely hopeless affliction. The one cure-all seems to be strenuous activity throughout the day. The more physically active I am, the easier it is for me to sleep at night. But that's it. Melatonin actually makes my heart race. Valerian, when it does work (about 50/50) gives me vivid nightmares and I keep waking up, chamomile doesn't calm me, much less put me out, calcium and magnesium are more effective, but not 100%. I won't take sleeping pills (over-the-counter or otherwise) because I'm afraid of becoming dependent; or worse, addicted. Alcohol, even wine, won't necessarily knock me out if I need to be. The list goes one.
I've tried journaling (or in this case, blogging), reading in bed, limiting the electronics in my room, pretty much anything and everything you can think of. It's most prevalent when I'm the most stressed; but I can have a calm, relaxing day and be wired at bedtime. I even limit my caffeine consumption to certain hours of the day. It is a battle that happens far too frequently.
The good news is that it's not a constant struggle. But when it hits, it hits in spells that can last weeks, even months. There are times when I'll get less than an hour's sleep all night. When that occurs, I'm pretty much useless the following day. And then there isn't a guarantee that I'll catch up on sleep on the night that follows.
As bad as it can get, I don't have much drive to see a specialist about it. As I mentioned before, I'm extremely wary of taking anything for it and telling me I need to meditate is laughable. If there's one thing I cannot do, it's meditate. I've tried, many, many times. I can't even be hypnotized (again, there have been failed attempts). I can, however, nap. Thankfully I am still able to accomplish this. Again, there isn't a 100% chance that it will happen, but it is up there.
So, there you have it. My night time struggle. And, as promised, I leave you with a poem that I wrote that sums it all up quite nicely. Enjoy.
"So I lay here
Awake
Dreaming sleepless dreams
Consumed completely by my thoughts
Thoroughly lost within my labyrinthine mind
Passing the hours before the coming dawn
My body is weary
But my head is merciless
Ever active
As I lie here inert
Passing the hours before the coming dawn
The sun has fallen asleep hours before
The moon takes a leisurely stroll across the heavens
Accompanied by innumerable stars
That form celestial shapes above my head
They are in no hurry
Passing the hours before the coming dawn
I finally surrender
I let my body leave the bed
My legs remove me from my bedchamber
Out of my apartment altogether
I put foot to pavement
I roam the streets with no destination
Passing the hours before the coming dawn."
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