Drawing To A Close

The beautiful thing about the past is that we can move forward from it. We can use the lessons that our mistakes teach us as a stepping stone to a better future. And we can use the pain of previous events to allow us to grow in full new directions.

As I'm writing this, it is almost three in the morning of December 13th. It is 12 days until Christmas and 18 days until New Year's Eve. Which means that 2015 is rapidly drawing to a close. This, as I have spoken about many times previously, has been a drastically difficult year for me. Health wise. Occupation wise. Relationship (both with friends and family) wise. Financial wise. I have been reminded of my own mortality. I have been shown time and time again that nothing is permanent. I have learned that not every opportunity that seems to be impeccable on paper is meant to be. But with every tribulation and trial, there has been room for me to grow and mature. I'm not as wise as I previously thought I was, but I do know that I am wiser than I previously have been. And, while I have suffered much, I have also developed equally so.

A very recent development with me is that I am now once again speaking with someone that I care deeply about. I won't go into details, but there was an incident last year in which I had my feelings hurt; and in turn, I hurt hers. She and I haven't spoken since; until very recently. And, while she hasn't outwardly said it, I know that she no longer trusts me. She has every right not to. And I know that the only way I can ever gain that trust back is to slowly rebuild it. There is also a massive body of water separating us now; which is honestly for the best. I cannot see her with any sort of frequency any more. There will be full weeks where we will not meet. Which is a polar opposite from before, when I would see her at least once a week. It also means that when I do see her, it's because I have traveled hours out of my way just to see her. Even if it is for only five minutes at a time.

I am an entirely different person than I was this time last year. Living in the shadowed wasteland of the city you have considered to be your home town does something to you. The place where you have grown most of your roots is rapidly rotting to the core. I spent much, if not all of last year in a constant shroud of deep-seated depression. The same goes for this year. In fact, it wasn't until I finally fully transitioned over here that the veil of suffering began to lift. Sure, I have had some setbacks (to put it mildly) since moving here; but I am overall significantly more happy than I have been in some time. More content with how things are. It helps also that I am back in the bookstore environment and working with an amazing team. I'm slowly beginning to make friends over here, as well. That alone has been more difficult; since free time has now become a premium.

There is another change that is happening. One of my best friends has been posting Buddhist stories and proverbs. The main focus of them is accepting circumstances just as they are. We human (and I am most definitely guilty of this) drive ourselves mad trying to find the "meaning of life" and all the events that happen within it. Yet, some times, things just are the way they are. Some things happen and we are not meant to know the meaning of them; if there is any at all. So, the teachings coupled with the slower pace of life and I am finally starting to find the calm I need. The serenity of the ordinary. I can actually be in the moment now and embrace it for what it is. And I am fully beginning to understand "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."

I do not know what 2016 has in store for me - but I'm okay with that. I do know that it will be a year of writing. I have this year's NaNoWriMo project that I'm going to actually turn into a novel. The same goes for last year's NaNoWriMo project. I'm also going to be outlining and beginning a young adult fantasy series. Seven books in that is the goal. And, before the closure of next year, I will have my memoir not only written, but hopefully published. That particular project I will be pulling much from this blog; as well as the previous major blog that I have written. Plus other topics that I have yet to touch on. I am also hoping to do some traveling next year. It has been far too long and my wanderlust gnaws at me daily.

In closing, I have one thing I wish my readers to do: let go. Life is too short for grudges. Life is too short to stay chained to the past. Life is too short to limit yourself to conceived notions of perfection. Let go and start living. Because none of us truly know how much time we actually have left.