Not Going That Way.

Mistakes were made”. If ever there was a phrase that summed up the whole of human existence, it’s this. For all of our brilliant mental capacities that lead to endless discoveries and advances — we are as far from perfect as you can get. To err is indeed human; and about as human as you can get. So, make no bones about it, mistakes were, indeed, made.

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It’s almost comical that there seems to be a universal pursuit of perfection. We strive for the one thing that we know that we will never achieve to the point where even our own subconscious denies how fallible we are to ourselves. Now, don’t get me wrong — we notice mistakes made by others. We recognize them almost as soon as they happen. If one is astute enough, they may even see an error of judgement moments before it even occurs. But when it comes to reflection of self, we are usually blind to just how fallible we truly are.

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That’s not what this is about, though. There’s a quote by an unknown source that goes “Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.” You see, one thing that our particular species obsesses about is the past. Specifically our own. We use previous experiences as a litmus test to what our futures will be. We look behind in order to look ahead. We also use our own past experiences and the supposed wisdom that we have gained from it to bestow upon others advice. Even if it is in the form of “I screwed up this way, don’t follow in my footsteps”. And, let’s be honest, we base this on what our recollection of these events were. So, the longer you live, the further back your memories go. To the point where even those who suffer from Alzheimers still have the ability to remember things that happened to them when they were young.

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So, what’s the true purpose of this post? Mistakes were made. By you. By me. By everyone. The path of the past is behind you. The further you go along, the further you have a chance to leave them all behind. To start frest. To begin again. The future only comes to those who truly focus on what is ahead of them. Forgiveness only comes from those who are willing to let the journey of their lives leave a sliver of their past behind. If you ever want to move on, just let go and keep walking. No matter how hard it really, truly is. But, and the end of the day, never forget this:

“Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.”

The Blank Slate

The beautiful and most challenging thing about each post is that it begins with a blank page. Nothing but white and a blinking cursor prompting you to share your innermost thoughts and realities. It has no objective, holds no bias, and forms no opinion other than the one created by the writer who uses it.  It's simple, clean, and utterly daunting if you allow it to be.

Such is also every day. A day, regardless of how fantastic or nightmarish, is but 24 hours long. The sun creeps over the horizon, slowly glides towards its zenith, before descending and tucking back into the folds of darkness. All the events that occur within that span can be entirely independent or entwined with those that have preceded it in days, weeks, and months past. The entire basis of the consistency of our lives is but a continuous chain of these 24 hours of existences.

Your past? A sequence of days that have led up to your present moment. You have zero control now over the events of your past. You are no more chained to your past than you are to the sky. The future? Simply hasn't happened yet. The realm of possibilities is utterly endless. The only thing that your past and future have in common is that both are contained within the sands of time. 24 hours of experiences. The ones you have already have and the ones you will. It's as simple as that.

We humans tend to think of things as a narrow, linear path. The road from point A to point B and all the things that lie in-between. It's the writers, the artists, the philosophers, and the entrepreneurs who truly see just how malleable our lives really are. Mozart was competent with the keyboard and violin by age 5, whereas Stan Lee didn't release his first comic until he was almost 39. One of Edison's most famous quotes is "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that don't work."; but a better quote by him was "Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

On the flip side, nothing is as simple as we pretend it to be. The "straight and narrow" is hardly straight and not always narrow. It's full of unforeseen dead ends, u-turns, and blinking red traffic lights. You can have a bad day in the middle of a great month and a few dodgy months in a pretty average year. Circumstances are never as permanent as we pretend that they are. The sun rises, and it also sets. The air is still until the wind blows. Bad days and good days come with equal ease.

Whenever a difficult situation arises, there are but two ways you can face them: as a stone or as a river. Certain times, it is necessary to be the stone - unmoving and relentless. Push through and persevere. In the immortal words of Winston Churchill "If you're going through hell, keep going." Other times, it is pertinent to be the river. Flow around your obstacles and adapt. Move on and move forward. It's not always easy to discern which you should choose to be; and sometimes it takes both to make progress and begin the next stage of life.

This blog is my life. Each entry, like each day, begins with a clean slate. Some entries are done in a matter of moments while others take several days to write. And, as with every entry and every day, there is a beginning, middle, and an end. So make the most of the slivers of time that you have been granted. For there will be a day when the blank slate becomes the last one you'll ever have.

The Two Second Difference

Tonight, I had a chance to do a good deed. Twice. And both times took but a fraction of a moment. Let me explain.

The first time, I was about to board a bus, when the girl in front of me tapped her card (we have cards here where you can load money on to them and travel by transit. It's bloody useful) and it said "Insufficient Funds". She tried explaining to the bus driver that she had loaded her card earlier that day; and he was about to boot her, when I pulled out my wallet and handed her the cash. She thanked me and I told her I had been in a similar spot before. We sat apart. End of story one.

The second time happened but ten minutes ago when I overheard a teenager who's waiting for the ferry (just as I am) call a sibling and tell them that he missed his boat (just as I did). I let him know that I'm already getting a cab and we can share it, so he's not stranded. Turns out he's getting off at a different stop as I am and he was able to get a ride. Problem solved. End of story two.

The point I'm trying to make is not to toot my own horn, but that both instances took less than a minute. The fraction of time it takes to make a difference is minimal, at best. Whether its holding the door for someone, letting a person with less items than you go first in line, or even sparing some change to a person you'll never see again. All it takes is just putting yourself out there and making a difference. Even a small one.

Now, both times, I expected nothing in return. Why should I? I don't gain, and that wasn't my motivation. In fact, both times, I didn't give my actions a second thought. Just as when I hold the door open for someone. A kind gesture is not a transaction. There's no exchanging of "karmic" goods. I've done many a good deed and had nothing good reciprocated in return. That's not why I do it. I do it because, if I were in their shoes, I would wish that someone would step up and take action. It's as simple as that.

The Golden Rule, as universal as it is, is far from common place. Most people think it takes a grand effort to make a grand difference. When, in all reality, all it takes is but minimal effort and time to chance someone else's reality.

The moral of the story is this: If you want to change the world, start small. Start in the moment. If you want to see kindness in others, be kindness yourself. Because in the end, we all die. It's how you live that truly matters.

Ground Control To Major Tom

Fate is a funny term. We get all wrapped up in what we suppose is our destiny without taking into accord our day-to-day existence. We think there's this grandiose plan that will...just happen; and suddenly our lives will be complete and make sense. Which, let me assure you, couldn't be further from the truth. I'm not saying that fate doesn't exist - I'm just letting you know from full experience it doesn't exactly happen over night. And there's a lucky 1% of the population that knows what their fate is. Everyone is, quite honestly, grasping at straws. At best.

I titled this post after the David Bowie song Space Oddity for a reason. There's a film out there call The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. It came out in 2013 and stars Ben Stiller (in a very serious role) and Kristen Wiig. This is also probably one of my favorite films of the last five years. The whole premise is about a guy who works at Life magazine who basically doesn't have a life of his own and has this...situation (if you will) which forces him out of his shell and makes him see the world. Wikipedia calls it a "romantic comedy-drama adventure fantasy film"; which I think is an appropriate label for it. Any way, throughout the film, the song Space Oddity by the recently departed David Bowie plays in the background. I won't tell you anything further about the film because I want you to see it. I promise you it's incredibly uplifting.

There's another film along the same vein called Stranger Than Fiction (which is another one of my favorite films). This one came out in 2006 and stars Will Ferrell (in a serious role - that he nails), Emma Thompson, and Dustin Hoffman. IMDb described it as "An IRS auditor suddenly finds himself the subject of a narration that only he can hear: narration that begins to affect his entire life, from his work, to his love-interest, to his death." The last part is both crucial and doesn't really give anything away. But, as with Secret Life, I don't want to go into any more detail because I feel you should watch both.

Both films touch on the theme of main characters who are (somewhat) blissfully going about their lives until there's an external extenuating circumstance that forces them to take chances and changes their lives for the better. Basically, life forces them to start living. Neither one breaks out of their shell easily - which is rather realistic. People don't handle change well. Humans would much rather dwell within their cocoon of perceived reality without much variation to their daily existence. Enough to keep things interesting, but that's about it. And somehow, some way, fate magically just happens and we die fulfilled. That's not living, though. Not by a long shot. We're supposed to take leaps of faith. We're supposed to step out of our comfort zones. We're supposed to take chances - especially the ones we don't have a remote clue in the outcome of. That's how we grow as people. That's how we truly learn who we are and why we're here. Faith is built on the unknown and undiscovered. We're not meant to crawl to our graves - we're suppose to soar to great heights before reaching them. And the only way that can happen is if we let go and just trust that things will work out.

Robin Sharma once stated "Don't live the same year 75 times in a row and call it a life." I'm going to take it a step further and say "Don't live the same 365 days in a row and call it a year." You don't have to do one thing every day that scares you; but you do have to do at least one thing every day that is different. And, seriously, go out and live!! We're promised one life - why waste it?

Drawing To A Close

The beautiful thing about the past is that we can move forward from it. We can use the lessons that our mistakes teach us as a stepping stone to a better future. And we can use the pain of previous events to allow us to grow in full new directions.

As I'm writing this, it is almost three in the morning of December 13th. It is 12 days until Christmas and 18 days until New Year's Eve. Which means that 2015 is rapidly drawing to a close. This, as I have spoken about many times previously, has been a drastically difficult year for me. Health wise. Occupation wise. Relationship (both with friends and family) wise. Financial wise. I have been reminded of my own mortality. I have been shown time and time again that nothing is permanent. I have learned that not every opportunity that seems to be impeccable on paper is meant to be. But with every tribulation and trial, there has been room for me to grow and mature. I'm not as wise as I previously thought I was, but I do know that I am wiser than I previously have been. And, while I have suffered much, I have also developed equally so.

A very recent development with me is that I am now once again speaking with someone that I care deeply about. I won't go into details, but there was an incident last year in which I had my feelings hurt; and in turn, I hurt hers. She and I haven't spoken since; until very recently. And, while she hasn't outwardly said it, I know that she no longer trusts me. She has every right not to. And I know that the only way I can ever gain that trust back is to slowly rebuild it. There is also a massive body of water separating us now; which is honestly for the best. I cannot see her with any sort of frequency any more. There will be full weeks where we will not meet. Which is a polar opposite from before, when I would see her at least once a week. It also means that when I do see her, it's because I have traveled hours out of my way just to see her. Even if it is for only five minutes at a time.

I am an entirely different person than I was this time last year. Living in the shadowed wasteland of the city you have considered to be your home town does something to you. The place where you have grown most of your roots is rapidly rotting to the core. I spent much, if not all of last year in a constant shroud of deep-seated depression. The same goes for this year. In fact, it wasn't until I finally fully transitioned over here that the veil of suffering began to lift. Sure, I have had some setbacks (to put it mildly) since moving here; but I am overall significantly more happy than I have been in some time. More content with how things are. It helps also that I am back in the bookstore environment and working with an amazing team. I'm slowly beginning to make friends over here, as well. That alone has been more difficult; since free time has now become a premium.

There is another change that is happening. One of my best friends has been posting Buddhist stories and proverbs. The main focus of them is accepting circumstances just as they are. We human (and I am most definitely guilty of this) drive ourselves mad trying to find the "meaning of life" and all the events that happen within it. Yet, some times, things just are the way they are. Some things happen and we are not meant to know the meaning of them; if there is any at all. So, the teachings coupled with the slower pace of life and I am finally starting to find the calm I need. The serenity of the ordinary. I can actually be in the moment now and embrace it for what it is. And I am fully beginning to understand "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."

I do not know what 2016 has in store for me - but I'm okay with that. I do know that it will be a year of writing. I have this year's NaNoWriMo project that I'm going to actually turn into a novel. The same goes for last year's NaNoWriMo project. I'm also going to be outlining and beginning a young adult fantasy series. Seven books in that is the goal. And, before the closure of next year, I will have my memoir not only written, but hopefully published. That particular project I will be pulling much from this blog; as well as the previous major blog that I have written. Plus other topics that I have yet to touch on. I am also hoping to do some traveling next year. It has been far too long and my wanderlust gnaws at me daily.

In closing, I have one thing I wish my readers to do: let go. Life is too short for grudges. Life is too short to stay chained to the past. Life is too short to limit yourself to conceived notions of perfection. Let go and start living. Because none of us truly know how much time we actually have left.

The Giving of Thanks

I'm going to open up this blog with two parables. The first is Buddhist, the second Christian. Before you flip out (or don't), fully read them. Soak them in and the underlying message that they tell. And, since Thanksgiving is tomorrow here in the States, I thought it would be most fitting if the two parables (and the subsequent post following them) be about gratitude and being thankful.

Here is the first:

"An honor student, frustrated with his life and with school, worried about what tomorrow may bring, approached his teacher asking for some guidance.

“The story goes,” says the teacher in response to his students request for help, “That a Buddhist Monk was walking through the mountains one day. Then, out of nowhere, a tiger appears, chasing the monk towards the edge of a cliff. The monk, in his quest to escape the tiger, runs to the edge of the cliff and climbs over the side, where he sees five other tigers 15 feet below him, waiting to eat him.

So the monk is just hanging there, holding on to a vine on the side of the cliff, waiting there for the little chance he has to escape or for his imminent demise. Then, as the monk hangs there, exploring his options, he turns to the left and sees a strawberry.

He smiles, “Wow what a magnificent strawberry!” he says to himself. So, he picks it and he eats it.

The student waited for his teacher to continue but it was clear that the teacher was done with the story. “That’s it? That is it the story? The monk is about to be eaten by tigers so he reaches out to pick and eat a strawberry?” the student exclaimed.

“What’s the point?” he added.

The teacher replied, “The lesson is to know and embrace the experience of being alive. You must be alive every second you are alive.”

The student responded, “But teacher, everyone is alive when they are alive.”

“No,” said the teacher. “It’s the experience of being alive in each moment, in each experience, good and bad. We must be alive every second we are alive and not simply exist and live out our days.”

The student, confused, questioned his teacher, asking, “But everyone alive is alive, aren’t they?” he insisted.

“No. Look at you now,” explained the teacher. “You are running around being chased by tigers, consumed with your thoughts of how it could be better, how you could be better if only things were different. Yet, you have shared with me over the past year several difficult situations, in addition to the circumstances that I have observed, how you were about to be eaten by tigers and how you have been saved in each situation. You can’t be alive if you are living in fear and if you’re living in fear you can’t see and experience life; the magnificence of your life that is right in front of you in each moment.”

The teacher asked, “Are you running around, grinning over the feeling of being the luckiest, most fortunate and appreciative person in the world because of what IS  present in your life today, or are you consumed with fear, what you DON’T have in your life or what may possibly happen some time in the future?”

The student thought for a moment, looked up at his teacher, smiled, and continued on with his day…"

Here is the second parable:

Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.

“Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living.  After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need.  So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs.  He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death!  I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.  I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’  So he got up and went to his father.

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.  Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate.  For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

“Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing.  So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on.27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’

 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him.  But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends.  But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’

“‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.  But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

 Both parables have three characters. The first has the teacher, the student, and the monk. The second has a father and his two sons. Both parables have extreme conditions, which lead to serendipitous outcomes. The first has the monk finding a delectable strawberry. The second has the younger son coming to his senses and returning home. And both parables have a character who does not understand the series of events and experiences frustration. The first is the student and the second is the older son who stayed behind.

Life, whether you are born as a rich child in a castle or a poor child in a hut, is a difficult journey and rarely gives us the "answers" that we demand from it. Events, both good and bad, unfold that defy all concept of what we consider to have reason. They say that hindsight has 20/20 vision; but that isn't always the case, either. Yet, when we do have the luxury of hindsight and we see the pieces that have unfolded into the path we are on now, we should give thanks. 

The true spirit and meaning of Thanksgiving is not about feasting on turkey; any more than the true spirit and meaning of Christmas is about giving gifts. The true spirit and meaning of Thanksgiving is about being grateful for what we have and what we have overcome. Myself, for example, I have overcome being let go from a company that I loved, friendships ending, a cancer scare, and a brief bit of homelessness. In just this year alone. But I am grateful for the job that I have now and the team that I work with, the friendships I still have, seeing my sister and her family (which is a rare treat) this summer, and the fact that I have a roof over my head and food to eat. This year has not been the easiest, but I have survived it and more importantly learned from it. With each storm is a lesson to be learned, an opportunity to move on and move forward, or both.

There is no "easy button" when it comes to life. To presume so is not only folly, but an invitation for catastrophe. You may have woken up today, but there will be a day where you will see your last dawn. You may have plenty to eat, but there may be a time when you find yourself hungry and unable to fill your stomach. The money you have in the bank, the job that you hold (or don't), the place where you live, and most importantly, the people you have in your life-all that will change. Many times. Most times, without warning. 

So, give thanks. And be thankful. Life may not be easy; but I promise you it is entirely worth it.

The Scare

My butt hurts. The reason my butt hurts is because I got a shot there this evening. A shot of antibiotics. And, to be honest, I was quite relieved to get the prognosis of an infection that accompanied said shot. Let me back up and explain:

For the past few weeks, I have been experiencing a...discomfort, if you will, in a very specific location on my body. My groin. Actually, a very specific location on my groin. And this discomfort stayed in that very, very localized area of my body. It started first as a mild, albeit confusing, sensation that occurred once every three or four days at a time. The intensity on the pain scale was between a three and a four. Noticeable, for certain, but entirely infrequent and mild enough to ignore. That, unfortunately, didn't last long.

Soon it escalated to every day. And then multiple times a a day. To then a near constant. Same exact location this entire time; and varying degrees in intensity (never greater than a five on the pain scale). And then last Friday happened.

I was spending the evening with some friends. My stomach was in knots and I was nauseous to the point of fighting throwing up. And that sensation was at a constant six on the pain scale. Basically, it felt like someone (and, pardon the graphic description) was constantly squeezing my left testicle. Then, late evening/early morning hit, just as I was about to get some sleep, I had an attack: the best I can describe is that of the description of a woman having contractions. It lasted for less than five minutes and it spiked to about an eight or nine on the pain scale. I was writhing in pain. The last time I had an episode like that what when I was dealing with my right kidney (which I'll get to in a minute). Fast forward to Saturday night and I had an equally intense attack after another full day of that squeezing sensation. Which is why I made the decision Sunday morning to go to the hospital as soon as possible. Which was today.

Now, before you think of me as the boy who cried wolf, I want you to take three things into consideration: the very specific and unchanging location of this. the gradual to sudden severity of what was happening, and, most importantly, that this is not the first scare that I've had. Back in early to mid 2008, I had a lump on my right kidney. A lump so large that it protruded out of my skin. The symptom were almost identical, including the severity of the attacks. I also attempted to get tested back then; but I didn't have adequate insurance, so I had to go to the ER to get it checked out. To which the nurse who "treated" me (felt it, put pressure on it causing an attack so intense I nearly blacked out from the pain) and then told me I was dehydrated and need to start drinking more water. To this day, I was never fully was tested for cancer and I still have to be careful with my kidneys. Which is precisely why, after the second attack in the span of 24 hours occurred, I made it a point to not repeat history and to legitimately get checked out this time around.

While the prognosis, thank God, was minor (especially compared to what I have been suspecting it was in the days leading up to me seeking medical attention), it did serve as a proper wake up call. Once again, I was faced with the reminder of my own mortality. And, really, not just the fact that my life will end, but the painfully real fact that I have no idea how and when it will end. As I laid on that gurney this afternoon, being taken to receive an ultrasound, it finally sunk in that all the plans I have made are for not if I don't act upon them. The only way I will ever become a published novelist is to sit down and write. The only way I will ever have a family of my own is if I take the risk of dating. The only way I will be able to become financially comfortable is by landing an actual decent job and start investing and saving. And, most importantly, the only way I can live a happy and healthy life is if I finally start taking care of my health and welfare. The full sum of a life is that of actions and consequences. A constant stream of events that span your first and last breath.

The fact of the matter, the one that I was once again brutally reminded of, is that I'm going to die. It could be tomorrow or when I turn 80. Regardless of when it does happen, it, without a doubt, will. Yet, instead of viewing this finality in the lens of hopeless despair, I am choosing now to take full reins of the remaining time allotted to me and to make full use of it. I know what it's like to live with regrets and "what if's". I know, full well, what it's like to go to bed after a wasted day. The hours I spend on Facebook could be hours spent hiking in the woods or helping the poor. Learning a new language or further mastering the one that is native to me. Instead of sitting on the couch, I should be traveling the world. And the last thing I want as I draw my last breath is to be filled with regret from all the chances I was too afraid to take.

As I Walk Through The Valley of the Shadow of Death

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." Psalm 23:4

This post is, in a way, a continuation of my previous one. It also needs to happen tonight be used of a life changing event that happened eleven years ago. 

Today would have been my dad's 70th birthday. There would have been a party and he would have hated all the attention. At least, that's what he would have claimed. Inside, I know he would have loved seeing those who loved him celebrate his life. Which, in a way, we still are doing.

My dad passed away suddenly the night of October 28th, 2003. He had multiple lung diseases caused by working with asbestos and smoking for 33 years. He had an asthma attack (far from his first) and this particular one claimed his life before he could even get to the medicine that would have saved him. I was home and in bed at the time, and rushed out when I heard all the commotion. It was a flurry of confusion, but I knew that something was different about this particular one. In a way, I watched my dad die.

We had already called the ambulance, and I waited outside for them. When they showed up eleven minutes after the call (mind you, he was still alive when we placed the call), they began working on him immediately. My mom sent me to my grandparents, who lived a quarter mile down the road, and during that walk I begged God to let me trade places with him or at least let my dad live. God said "no" and that night my dad passed away. 

If I could put a defining moment on my adult life, this is it. So much so, that in 2007, I got the date tattooed on my left leg and it's still the only tattoo I have. The first six years after his death were the hardest. I was, without a doubt, a shell of a human being living in the constant smothering cloud of deep depression and mourning. Yet, there was another defining moment that ultimately broke that chain and forced me to move on and start healing. That defining moment was my cancer scare in 2008. 

It began with the sudden, sharp pains in my right side. At first, it was pretty infrequent, but it soon became a daily event. Then I noticed the sizable lump where my right kidney is. So big that it easily protruded through my skin. There was even a point when I had an attack so bad that I blacked out from the pain. It literally felt like I was dying. I sought medical attention and, after three different physicians and three different hospitals, I was diagnosed with what is called a cluster cyst. The random excruciating pains I was having was one of the clusters bursting. Now, I want to mention now that at no time was I ever tested for cancer-despite my desire to be so. To this day, I still have no idea whether or not I had or have cancer. None of the three doctors would do it for me and the last one told me straight up that it would be far too expensive to do the tests. So, to this day, that possibility has always been in the back of my mind. Thankfully (on my mom's side, anyway) there isn't any family history of cancer, so I have that going for me.

It goes without saying, but when you face two separate instances of death staring you in the face, you lose all illusion of immortality. I will even say that if I don't start taking better care of myself and make my health more of a priority that it is now, that my lifespan will not be as long as it should be. This bothers me, because even though I do not fear death, I do fear dying with unfinished business. Simply put, I'm not ready to go yet.

There are three main things in my life that I will categorize as unfinished business: lack of kids, lack of published works, and I'm not done changing the world.

The first one is immensely important to me. For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted a family and I've always wanted kids. I'm amazing with kids, as well, so that helps. Equally important is the fact that, as far as I'm aware, I'm the last of my name-meaning if I die without passing on my last name to someone, my name dies with me. That scares me much more than I'm willing to admit. 

The second is I'm a writer, so I have an incredibly strong desire to live long enough to see my work published. Not only published, but read, as well. While I am a poet, I have the strong urgency to publish novels. I feel it's my calling and my purpose. 

The third is exactly that. I'm not done changing the world. Gandhi is famously quoted as saying "Be the change you want to see in the world." and that is how I live my life. I'm not done making a positive impact on those I come in contact with. And, to those who I have wronged, I have a strong desire to make amends and rebuild lost friendships. Both for their sake and my own. To know that there are those who I have wronged in some way, shape or form, and I haven't been able to make amends bothers me deeply. This is not something I want to take to my grave.

So, in closing, if you take nothing else from this post, take this: Your days are numbered and you know not that number. Life is precious and can end suddenly and without warning. Death is inevitable- it's how you live that truly matters.