13 Years.

Today, for all intents and purposes, was a normal day. Except that it wasn’t. Today marks the thirteenth anniversary of when my life changed completely. Today marks the thirteenth anniversary of when I lost my dad. Today marks the anniversary of when I watched him die.

---

My dad, even though he was a former mountain climber, avid hiker, and developed a love of mountain biking in the final year of his life; had eleven different lung diseases. It was a brutal combination of genetics, working with asbestos and other toxins without a mask, and the fact that he smoked for 33 years. He had multiple inhalers that he used on a daily basis. One of them was an emergency inhaler. It was that particular inhaler he was going for when he had his fatal asthma attack. He was feet from the medicine that could have saved his life and he didn’t make it.

---

The thing most people don’t know about my dad is that he wasn’t my biological father. Yet, he raised both my sister and I as if we were his kids. He was our father, even if it wasn’t by blood. I changed my last name officially in high school — even though I had been using it for most of my schooling years. My parents had celebrated their 15th wedding anniversary twenty days before he was suddenly taken from us. Fifteen life changing years.

---

I still miss him. Not every day, like the first few years after he passed. But, randomly, my heart will twinge at a memory. Or a desire for me to share something with him. That desire still hasn’t left me and I know it never will. I still love him, even though I lost the sound of his voice and his laugh.For the first decade, this was the worst day of the year for me. Now there’s a bittersweet acceptance that life can change in an instant — and end even faster.

---

Life is far too short. So tell the ones you love that you love them. Forgive someone now, before it’s too late. And never fail to say goodbye. Because you never know when the last time you’ll be able to say it will be.

You Remind Me Of The Babe...

In 1986, there was a film released by the name of the Labyrinth. It starred a then unknown actress by the name of Jennifer Connelly, the fantastic puppetry of Jim Henson and a prolific singer and actor. That artist was David Bowie.

Now, this particular film holds a special place in my heart. I have seen it hundreds of times (probably to the lament of my parents growing up). I can quote it and sing along to it every time I watch it. It never gets stale for me and I appreciate the complex love story the more that I watch it. When he sings at the end, completely exhausted by continually bending over backwards for Sarah, the words "I move the stars for no one"; you truly believe that, in his mind, everything he did, he did for her. Especially when you take into consideration the song "As The World Falls Down" that occurs earlier in the film.

One thing that Labyrinth taught me was that even villains aren't black and white. While fairy tales are filled with Prince Charmings and helpless princesses, this film had a strong female main character who stands up to the one who stole her baby brother and vanquishes him without the help of a male coming in to save the day. And that nemesis of hers is secretly in love with her; and the only reason he stole the baby was that it was she who requested it in the first place. Every character is flawed and three dimensional. They also have their own motives for doing things (which is rare in cinema). And, the most important lesson of the film is to keep your perseverance through all of the storms that life throws at you.

In case you haven't heard, David Bowie passed away yesterday. He was only 69 years and had been battling cancer for 18 months. His career spanned decades; and while he was unbelievably talented in his own right, he also worked with other prolific artists - such as Bing Crosby, Queen, and the aforementioned Jim Henson. And he complimented those that he worked with; not letting his ego overshadow them and try and one up them.

So, rest in peace, Ziggy Stardust. You have earned it.

I Will Follow You Into The Dark.

One of the sweetest songs I have ever heard is "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie. Now, while most of people think of the song as about death (with an atheist overtone); it's actually about the long journey of love. The true marathon of marriage and what it means to have a partner that you want to spend the rest of your life with. And all that entails.

You see, we all romanticize love as this passionate thing. A conflagration of passion and emotion. The great fire between two individuals that burns ever hot. What isn't considered is the quiet times. The boring times.  Times when you don't really have much to talk about - even though you're spending the rest of your days together. When mundane existence is the most prevalent then in your love's story. When the days of wedding bliss transform into a marital monotony, we begin to question if we have made the right decision. Or if it was "worth it". Those doubts are normal - but the real question is this: Will the person I have agreed to spend the rest of my life with suffer when I pass on?

You see, the biggest clause in any lifelong partnership is the inevitable demise of the person you're spending the rest of your life with. With life long coupling comes the death of one of you. Which is why the one thing I am looking for in my mate is will she stay long enough to be my widow. Will my death break her heart into a thousand pieces; or will be be one more fragment in her life's story? Truth be told, if I had any qualifying question, it would be that.

I am loyal. It's just who I am. If I love you and we are truly a couple - there isn't a force that will keep me from you. I will heaven and earth just to spend the day with you. But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will not live forever. I already know that if I were to marry, she would outlast me. Out live me. There will be a day that will pass when I am with you no longer and even I do not have any charge over that. But, in the strange off chance of life's weird winding road that she were to pass before I; then, yes, I would follow her into the dark.

I have spent too much of this life alone. I know of the quiet solitudes of the night. To not share a bed with someone. To not have someone be an centrical  part of my life. But, once that ends - once someone else joins me in that journey towards forever, I know I will never be the same. That bond, that partnership, will be with me until the end of my days. Even through the boring passage of everyday existence.

"You got to spend some time, love. You got to spend some time, with me. I know that you will find, love. I will possess your heart." was one of the opening line of another one of Death Cab's songs ("I Will Possess Your Heart"). Again, it harkens to the opening lines of any relationship. The yearning and desire to spend every moment with the one person who makes you feel the most alive. When the sheer moment of a thought of the individual makes you smile uncontrollably. They call it the "honeymoon phase" and there was one notable Hollywood marriage (Bob and Dolores Hope) proves that even though some marriages last for well over 50 years doesn't mean that they don't remain inseparable. Yet, the best analogy of marriage is the feeling of taking your boots off after spending the day of them. The sheer relief and lack of heaviness that washes over you. That person who still makes you smile and chuckle after spending decades with them. And the one, that one, who will be shaken to the core by your death. That's truly what love is.

This may seem like rambling, but it's something that's been on my heart and in my mind lately. I'm about to have a pretty important birthday (next Wednesday, on the 13th), and I've had far too many of those by myself. Friends sure. Family sure. But a partner... not so much. There's a longing far stronger than I'm willing to admit. Home is not a physical place, but a person you spend it with. And that, my dearest friends. is what I long for the most.

As I Walk Through The Valley of the Shadow of Death

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." Psalm 23:4

This post is, in a way, a continuation of my previous one. It also needs to happen tonight be used of a life changing event that happened eleven years ago. 

Today would have been my dad's 70th birthday. There would have been a party and he would have hated all the attention. At least, that's what he would have claimed. Inside, I know he would have loved seeing those who loved him celebrate his life. Which, in a way, we still are doing.

My dad passed away suddenly the night of October 28th, 2003. He had multiple lung diseases caused by working with asbestos and smoking for 33 years. He had an asthma attack (far from his first) and this particular one claimed his life before he could even get to the medicine that would have saved him. I was home and in bed at the time, and rushed out when I heard all the commotion. It was a flurry of confusion, but I knew that something was different about this particular one. In a way, I watched my dad die.

We had already called the ambulance, and I waited outside for them. When they showed up eleven minutes after the call (mind you, he was still alive when we placed the call), they began working on him immediately. My mom sent me to my grandparents, who lived a quarter mile down the road, and during that walk I begged God to let me trade places with him or at least let my dad live. God said "no" and that night my dad passed away. 

If I could put a defining moment on my adult life, this is it. So much so, that in 2007, I got the date tattooed on my left leg and it's still the only tattoo I have. The first six years after his death were the hardest. I was, without a doubt, a shell of a human being living in the constant smothering cloud of deep depression and mourning. Yet, there was another defining moment that ultimately broke that chain and forced me to move on and start healing. That defining moment was my cancer scare in 2008. 

It began with the sudden, sharp pains in my right side. At first, it was pretty infrequent, but it soon became a daily event. Then I noticed the sizable lump where my right kidney is. So big that it easily protruded through my skin. There was even a point when I had an attack so bad that I blacked out from the pain. It literally felt like I was dying. I sought medical attention and, after three different physicians and three different hospitals, I was diagnosed with what is called a cluster cyst. The random excruciating pains I was having was one of the clusters bursting. Now, I want to mention now that at no time was I ever tested for cancer-despite my desire to be so. To this day, I still have no idea whether or not I had or have cancer. None of the three doctors would do it for me and the last one told me straight up that it would be far too expensive to do the tests. So, to this day, that possibility has always been in the back of my mind. Thankfully (on my mom's side, anyway) there isn't any family history of cancer, so I have that going for me.

It goes without saying, but when you face two separate instances of death staring you in the face, you lose all illusion of immortality. I will even say that if I don't start taking better care of myself and make my health more of a priority that it is now, that my lifespan will not be as long as it should be. This bothers me, because even though I do not fear death, I do fear dying with unfinished business. Simply put, I'm not ready to go yet.

There are three main things in my life that I will categorize as unfinished business: lack of kids, lack of published works, and I'm not done changing the world.

The first one is immensely important to me. For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted a family and I've always wanted kids. I'm amazing with kids, as well, so that helps. Equally important is the fact that, as far as I'm aware, I'm the last of my name-meaning if I die without passing on my last name to someone, my name dies with me. That scares me much more than I'm willing to admit. 

The second is I'm a writer, so I have an incredibly strong desire to live long enough to see my work published. Not only published, but read, as well. While I am a poet, I have the strong urgency to publish novels. I feel it's my calling and my purpose. 

The third is exactly that. I'm not done changing the world. Gandhi is famously quoted as saying "Be the change you want to see in the world." and that is how I live my life. I'm not done making a positive impact on those I come in contact with. And, to those who I have wronged, I have a strong desire to make amends and rebuild lost friendships. Both for their sake and my own. To know that there are those who I have wronged in some way, shape or form, and I haven't been able to make amends bothers me deeply. This is not something I want to take to my grave.

So, in closing, if you take nothing else from this post, take this: Your days are numbered and you know not that number. Life is precious and can end suddenly and without warning. Death is inevitable- it's how you live that truly matters.