Walls.

As today is Valentine’s Day, I have a bit of a confession to make: I love behind walls. 

---

There are two sides of my coin when it comes to the topic of love. I equally describe myself as an eternal bachelor and a hopeless romantic. Both, for the record, are true. I choose not to date. I am fully capable of falling fully into love. While these seem to be polar opposites, they actually are parallel realities. Such is the lifestyle of those like me — those who know full well how poisonous the arrows of Cupid can be. 

---

You see, I’ve been burned. Hard. More than once. To the point where now, if I start having feelings for someone, I pull away. I do not trust the judgements of my heart. I cannot trust the judgements of my heart. It has lead me to earth shattering agony that I do not wish to ever relive. So I love behind walls. 

They say that there’s no such thing as love without risk — and they are right. But I’ve reached a point where I’m so unsure if I have the proverbial parachute that I stay on the plane that is going down. I don’t trust the life boat so I remain on the Titanic. 

---

Do I get lonely? Oh, yes. Not often. In fact, it’s pretty rare when it happens. But when it does, it hits hard. Like a sledgehammer to the chest. I feel an emptiness that breaks me. These are the rare moments that I cry. I mourn the happiness I once had. I mourn the loss of having someone I cared so deeply for. I mourn the heart I once had — one that was a raging inferno of passion that turned into nothing more than a charred coal of memories. As much as I so desperately want to ignite that light, I’m afraid the winds of change will only snuff it out again and I will be right back to where I am now. 

---

Do I want to love again? Yes. I miss having conversations that last until 3 AM. I miss having inside jokes with someone. I miss watching television with someone and the only thing that mattered was that I was with them. I miss having someone to write poetry about. I miss seeing a text from someone and breaking into a giant uncontrollabe smile. I miss being giddy. I still want to have that special someone. I still want to slow dance with my bride on our special day. I still want to grow old with someone who wants to grow old with me. 

But, until I let down my barriers and take that chance again, I’m going to remain exactly where I am now: 

Alone.

The Consequences of Hate.

So, this is the first chance that I've had to process what happened in Orlando over the weekend. 49 dead, multiple others wounded because a, for lack of a better word, man was so filled with hatred that he decided to walk into a crowded nightclub and purposefully take the lives of as many as he could.  I will also note that I have attempted this post multiple times, but with each start, I get crushed under the sheer weight of the tragedy. So, bear with me, here goes:

Now before I continue, I want to get something straight. This isn't a gun issue (although it is time to have a very honest conversation about automatic weapons in this country) and it's not a God issue (the shooter, last I heard, is Muslim with ties to ISIS. I'm not sure if that info is still correct). It is a 100% love verses hate issue. Let me break it down for you.

A person, regardless of whether or not they have guns and believe in a god will behave differently towards their fellow man if they are either A) loved or B) filled with hate. Now, if you think that I'm marginalizing the victims and the beliefs of the shooter, let me assure you that that is not the case at all.   What happened was a tragedy, pure and simple. The people in the club were not out to hurt anyone. They did not have an agenda. All they wanted to do was to celebrate. They were filled with love. The man who walked into the club with an assault rifle, a pistol, and a single agenda to kill as many people as he could was, without a doubt, filled with hate. He very well could have used a bomb.  It very well could have been a church. In this particular instance, however, it was some guns and a whole of of unsuspecting people who had no right to die.

Love doesn't walk into a club and open fire. Love doesn't fly planes into skyscrapers. Love doesn't burn crosses and hang innocent men, women, and children. Love doesn't blow up hospitals. Love doesn't murder children. Love doesn't starve people to death because they're not the same "tribe" as you. Love doesn't dismember and disfigure people. Love does not create orphans. Love does not torture animals. None of these are acts of love.

One of the most heart-wrenching things that I have read (and I'll share the link of the article below) was a CNN article on the "Eerie sounds of cell phones amid disaster". The piece recounts how the first responders came into a field of bodies and their phones going off from people trying to reach the dead in sheer, desperate hope that their loved one was still alive. That, that is love. The outpouring of support, not just locally with all the donated blood that went into attempts to save the victims, but outpouring of support from all over the world to show solidarity and unity towards the victims. That is love. Those who put their own prejudices aside and reached out to show that they care as well. That is love.

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." (1st John 4:18). The actions that happened last weekend were the acts of fear and hate. The perpetration of rage personified. As we mourn the dead, we must also learn from them. Embrace the fragility of life and create bonds with one another. Because the true message of the Orlando shooting shouldn't be that hate still exists, but that love still trumps it.

With this, I bid you adieu once again. Take care, my dear readers. May we cross paths again at least once more.

The CNN article: http://www.cnn.com/2013/01/28/health/cell-phones-death/index.html

I Will Follow You Into The Dark.

One of the sweetest songs I have ever heard is "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie. Now, while most of people think of the song as about death (with an atheist overtone); it's actually about the long journey of love. The true marathon of marriage and what it means to have a partner that you want to spend the rest of your life with. And all that entails.

You see, we all romanticize love as this passionate thing. A conflagration of passion and emotion. The great fire between two individuals that burns ever hot. What isn't considered is the quiet times. The boring times.  Times when you don't really have much to talk about - even though you're spending the rest of your days together. When mundane existence is the most prevalent then in your love's story. When the days of wedding bliss transform into a marital monotony, we begin to question if we have made the right decision. Or if it was "worth it". Those doubts are normal - but the real question is this: Will the person I have agreed to spend the rest of my life with suffer when I pass on?

You see, the biggest clause in any lifelong partnership is the inevitable demise of the person you're spending the rest of your life with. With life long coupling comes the death of one of you. Which is why the one thing I am looking for in my mate is will she stay long enough to be my widow. Will my death break her heart into a thousand pieces; or will be be one more fragment in her life's story? Truth be told, if I had any qualifying question, it would be that.

I am loyal. It's just who I am. If I love you and we are truly a couple - there isn't a force that will keep me from you. I will heaven and earth just to spend the day with you. But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will not live forever. I already know that if I were to marry, she would outlast me. Out live me. There will be a day that will pass when I am with you no longer and even I do not have any charge over that. But, in the strange off chance of life's weird winding road that she were to pass before I; then, yes, I would follow her into the dark.

I have spent too much of this life alone. I know of the quiet solitudes of the night. To not share a bed with someone. To not have someone be an centrical  part of my life. But, once that ends - once someone else joins me in that journey towards forever, I know I will never be the same. That bond, that partnership, will be with me until the end of my days. Even through the boring passage of everyday existence.

"You got to spend some time, love. You got to spend some time, with me. I know that you will find, love. I will possess your heart." was one of the opening line of another one of Death Cab's songs ("I Will Possess Your Heart"). Again, it harkens to the opening lines of any relationship. The yearning and desire to spend every moment with the one person who makes you feel the most alive. When the sheer moment of a thought of the individual makes you smile uncontrollably. They call it the "honeymoon phase" and there was one notable Hollywood marriage (Bob and Dolores Hope) proves that even though some marriages last for well over 50 years doesn't mean that they don't remain inseparable. Yet, the best analogy of marriage is the feeling of taking your boots off after spending the day of them. The sheer relief and lack of heaviness that washes over you. That person who still makes you smile and chuckle after spending decades with them. And the one, that one, who will be shaken to the core by your death. That's truly what love is.

This may seem like rambling, but it's something that's been on my heart and in my mind lately. I'm about to have a pretty important birthday (next Wednesday, on the 13th), and I've had far too many of those by myself. Friends sure. Family sure. But a partner... not so much. There's a longing far stronger than I'm willing to admit. Home is not a physical place, but a person you spend it with. And that, my dearest friends. is what I long for the most.