As today is Valentine’s Day, I have a bit of a confession to make: I love behind walls.
There are two sides of my coin when it comes to the topic of love. I equally describe myself as an eternal bachelor and a hopeless romantic. Both, for the record, are true. I choose not to date. I am fully capable of falling fully into love. While these seem to be polar opposites, they actually are parallel realities. Such is the lifestyle of those like me — those who know full well how poisonous the arrows of Cupid can be.
You see, I’ve been burned. Hard. More than once. To the point where now, if I start having feelings for someone, I pull away. I do not trust the judgements of my heart. I cannot trust the judgements of my heart. It has lead me to earth shattering agony that I do not wish to ever relive. So I love behind walls.
They say that there’s no such thing as love without risk — and they are right. But I’ve reached a point where I’m so unsure if I have the proverbial parachute that I stay on the plane that is going down. I don’t trust the life boat so I remain on the Titanic.
Do I get lonely? Oh, yes. Not often. In fact, it’s pretty rare when it happens. But when it does, it hits hard. Like a sledgehammer to the chest. I feel an emptiness that breaks me. These are the rare moments that I cry. I mourn the happiness I once had. I mourn the loss of having someone I cared so deeply for. I mourn the heart I once had — one that was a raging inferno of passion that turned into nothing more than a charred coal of memories. As much as I so desperately want to ignite that light, I’m afraid the winds of change will only snuff it out again and I will be right back to where I am now.
Do I want to love again? Yes. I miss having conversations that last until 3 AM. I miss having inside jokes with someone. I miss watching television with someone and the only thing that mattered was that I was with them. I miss having someone to write poetry about. I miss seeing a text from someone and breaking into a giant uncontrollabe smile. I miss being giddy. I still want to have that special someone. I still want to slow dance with my bride on our special day. I still want to grow old with someone who wants to grow old with me.
But, until I let down my barriers and take that chance again, I’m going to remain exactly where I am now:
Alone.
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