This post is, in a way, a continuation of my previous one. It also needs to happen tonight be used of a life changing event that happened eleven years ago.
Today would have been my dad's 70th birthday. There would have been a party and he would have hated all the attention. At least, that's what he would have claimed. Inside, I know he would have loved seeing those who loved him celebrate his life. Which, in a way, we still are doing.
My dad passed away suddenly the night of October 28th, 2003. He had multiple lung diseases caused by working with asbestos and smoking for 33 years. He had an asthma attack (far from his first) and this particular one claimed his life before he could even get to the medicine that would have saved him. I was home and in bed at the time, and rushed out when I heard all the commotion. It was a flurry of confusion, but I knew that something was different about this particular one. In a way, I watched my dad die.
We had already called the ambulance, and I waited outside for them. When they showed up eleven minutes after the call (mind you, he was still alive when we placed the call), they began working on him immediately. My mom sent me to my grandparents, who lived a quarter mile down the road, and during that walk I begged God to let me trade places with him or at least let my dad live. God said "no" and that night my dad passed away.
If I could put a defining moment on my adult life, this is it. So much so, that in 2007, I got the date tattooed on my left leg and it's still the only tattoo I have. The first six years after his death were the hardest. I was, without a doubt, a shell of a human being living in the constant smothering cloud of deep depression and mourning. Yet, there was another defining moment that ultimately broke that chain and forced me to move on and start healing. That defining moment was my cancer scare in 2008.
It began with the sudden, sharp pains in my right side. At first, it was pretty infrequent, but it soon became a daily event. Then I noticed the sizable lump where my right kidney is. So big that it easily protruded through my skin. There was even a point when I had an attack so bad that I blacked out from the pain. It literally felt like I was dying. I sought medical attention and, after three different physicians and three different hospitals, I was diagnosed with what is called a cluster cyst. The random excruciating pains I was having was one of the clusters bursting. Now, I want to mention now that at no time was I ever tested for cancer-despite my desire to be so. To this day, I still have no idea whether or not I had or have cancer. None of the three doctors would do it for me and the last one told me straight up that it would be far too expensive to do the tests. So, to this day, that possibility has always been in the back of my mind. Thankfully (on my mom's side, anyway) there isn't any family history of cancer, so I have that going for me.
It goes without saying, but when you face two separate instances of death staring you in the face, you lose all illusion of immortality. I will even say that if I don't start taking better care of myself and make my health more of a priority that it is now, that my lifespan will not be as long as it should be. This bothers me, because even though I do not fear death, I do fear dying with unfinished business. Simply put, I'm not ready to go yet.
There are three main things in my life that I will categorize as unfinished business: lack of kids, lack of published works, and I'm not done changing the world.
The first one is immensely important to me. For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted a family and I've always wanted kids. I'm amazing with kids, as well, so that helps. Equally important is the fact that, as far as I'm aware, I'm the last of my name-meaning if I die without passing on my last name to someone, my name dies with me. That scares me much more than I'm willing to admit.
The second is I'm a writer, so I have an incredibly strong desire to live long enough to see my work published. Not only published, but read, as well. While I am a poet, I have the strong urgency to publish novels. I feel it's my calling and my purpose.
The third is exactly that. I'm not done changing the world. Gandhi is famously quoted as saying "Be the change you want to see in the world." and that is how I live my life. I'm not done making a positive impact on those I come in contact with. And, to those who I have wronged, I have a strong desire to make amends and rebuild lost friendships. Both for their sake and my own. To know that there are those who I have wronged in some way, shape or form, and I haven't been able to make amends bothers me deeply. This is not something I want to take to my grave.
So, in closing, if you take nothing else from this post, take this: Your days are numbered and you know not that number. Life is precious and can end suddenly and without warning. Death is inevitable- it's how you live that truly matters.
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