What Do You "Know"?

While on the bus yesterday, I overheard two guys, both white and either in their late teens or early twenties, discussing racism in the state of Texas. One guy was telling the other that the closer you get to the border, the worse it gets. I, having lived almost two years near the city of San Antonio, piped up and asked him if that's where he's from. He turned and told me that he had never actually been to Texas. He said that, from what he read on the Internet that he felt quite knowledgeable on the subject. I told him that I lived there for a while, and where I was at, there was zero tolerance for racism. He didn't believe me until I pulled out my Texas ID and showed it to him. There was a prompt change of subject and I went back to my game of cribbage on my phone.

So, that's what this post is going to be about: What do you "know". We live in an age where information is literally at our fingertips. I can read about Jack the Ripper and the daily lives of those in Mesoptamia with ease. But, while there is a plethora of actual knowledge, there is even more disinformation out there from people posing to be scholars. And everyone seems to be a scholar on everything nowadays.

Now, it is possible that there is rampant racism in border cities like El Paso; but having never been there, I'm not going to claim any knowledge on the subject. However, San Antonio is far enough south for me to speak up on the matter. The point is that I have first hand experience of the area that he was speaking about. I also try and not claim to know something I don't know anything about. Not without researching it immensely first. In my humble opinion, it is better to spread small truths than large lies.

The other point I'm trying to make is that, with so many dime store digital sages, debate has been replaced with flame wars. We have become so polarized by the illusion of information that nothing is discussed at length on an impersonal level any more. The more open-minded we pretend to be, the more close-minded we are towards anyone who threatens our individual world views. Plato has been replaced with pundits and Socrates with saccharine sites containing snipits of  facts. The web has become a digital fast food buffet to which we gladly tuck in our napkins and feast upon data created by the wizards behind the curtain. There is a saying that "Unless we stand for something, we shall fall for anything." (Peter Marshall, U.S. Senate chaplain, 1947). I would amend this (mainly because everyone stands for something nowadays) to saying "Unless we research something, we shall fall for anything."

Yes, I realize this tangent is completely different than what I normally post about, but it's a topic that has become a bit of a pet peeve of mine. We live in a world now where everyone "knows" everything and discusses nothing. Everyone is trying so hard to be smarter than everyone else, but no one is bothering to be wiser than anyone. 

I Should Be Writing...

Yeah, I'm very behind for NaNoWriMo. I fully realize this. But, at present, it's just past 11pm, I've been home for twenty-ish minutes, I've just finished dinner, and I'm bloody tired. It's not happening tonight. 

Instead, I'm going to address what happened a couple posts back. To be blunt, my brain can be a real dick to me. I'm not always that bad, but this time of year I get bouts of melancholy that take hold and drag me into the depths of despair. Sometimes it's a major event, and sometimes it's something minor. There's even times when I just wake up bummed out. 

If you've never had depression, count yourself very lucky. Mine is most certainly hereditary on my mom's side. We're also a family of highly intelligent people, and you know what they say about the line between genius and insanity. With us, it's the wicked doldrums and, considering all that's happened to me, it's not surprising that I have it in spades. Thankfully, I'm a writer, so I have an outlet for when it gets too bad. Usually it's in the form of blogposts and poems. I try and not write depressing stories because that will only bring me further down. 

Any time I come forward with my depression, it generally surprises people. On the outside, I'm lively, humorous and (as I've been describe many a time) intense. Yet, to use the iceberg metaphor, there's a lot going on underneath. It can also be the mask I'm wearing because I don't want to deal with what's bothering me. I can and will hide my feelings if I choose to not acknowledge them. Sometimes that's the only way I can deal with the depression; rather than risk being pulled underneath by it. 

But what about suicide? Well, to be blunt, that is not a topic I'm going to discuss. Period. All I will say on the matter is that I fully realize how beautiful and brief this life is. I have seen with my own eyes how swiftly and easily life can end. Death is a very, very personal topic and one I much prefer discussing in person.

So what do I do when it gets bad? As in, really, really bad? There's two people who I talk to. Both of whom also struggle with depression and I've saved the life of one of them more than once. We talk it out and they help me try and get to the root of what is truly bothering me. They both know that sometimes it really just is my brain being a dick and they help me move forward. More often than not I'm lacking something: sunlight, vitamin D, vitamin B, caffeine, etc. Well, everyone knows when I'm lacking caffeine.

But, anyway, I wanted to address why I dropped so low. I'm...getting better. My brain is still trying to be a dick to me. Butt I'm pushing through it and doing my best to move forward. On that note, I'm heading to bed. Night, all.

The Story Behind My Story

So, as promised, this post won't be a "woe-is-me, I hate my life" kind of post. Disappointment is nothing new in my life; but that one smarted more than I thought it would. Good news is that I've upped my vitamins and focusing on work and my book. Onward and upward, if you will.

So, speaking of my book, it's not going as well as I originally planned. I had (have) a great idea for the book, but I didn't have any connection with the main character. That is tantamount to utter failure unless you find a way to fix it. Which, with me, came in the form of an epiphany while waiting for a bus. Which, any writer will tell you is quite common. At least 90% of writing happens in your head long before the words enter the page. The epiphany, and the connection is this: I made my main character an alcoholic. 

Now, thank God, I am not an alcoholic, but I have family that is and, if memory serves me right, on my biological father's side, it was a bit of an issue. One of many, many, many issues. But I digress. The strongest connection I have with the disease is that I was in love with someone who was in love with the bottle. Well, I'm not sure if she actually loved to drink. To be honest, I doubt she did. Yet she was bound to it stronger than any chain. 

Now, I'm not sure if she's fully aware of how much I loved her. It started as friendof a friend, which quickly turned into us becoming friends. I had a crush on her from the get-go, but never pursued it because I didn't think I stood a chance. We grew close, through phone calls and Facebook, not to mention the times we actually spent together. And the closest we came to a relationship happening was right when I moved to Texas. 

We kept in close touch through the first year of me being down there. But she, not surprisingly, found a boyfriend and communication fell by the wayside. Which is putting it nicely. Essentially she dropped off the face of the Earth and many people who she was once close to no longer are in contact with her. 

I was, and still am, for the record, supportive of her through her struggle. I never have, nor will I ever hold her demons against her. We all have our secret battles and private scars. I am far from perfect and hold no illusion thereof. I learned many things from her struggle and I hope to pass them on to my character in a way that truly represents the hell that addiction truly is.

I'm not writing this for myself, which is why it holds greater importance with me. I do this to honor my long lost friend and I am even going so far as to dedicate it to her, once it's published. 

So, there you have it. One more piece of the shifting puzzle for you. I hope this post finds you well. Take care and take care of yourselves out there.

And Down I Go

So, recently I entered a raffle that I was really hoping I would win. I rarely enter these things and I had bought a bunch of tickets, so I figured my chances were good on actually winning. 

Fast forward to today. I had the day off and spent some time with a good friend of mind and watched the extended edition of The Desolation of Smaug. A great day, by all means, up until it dawned on me that today was the drawing and I didn't get a phone call. And down I go.

Now, in the grand scheme of things, this isn't even a blip on the radar. I rarely win anything I enter, so this shouldn't have come as a surprise at all. And let's be honest, I was hardly the only person who had entered the raffle. But this was one of those things where I let myself get my hopes up about, only to lose. So, yeah, I'm disappointed, more in myself for allowing myself to be optimistic about this. I should have known better.

So down I go. My mood, at present, is rather grim. The depression has re-awoken and is rearing its ugly head once again. Insomnia is kicking in, to boot.  This downward spiral is pretty common between the months of October and May. It doesn't take much to knock me down far. And, in many, many cases, keep me down. It also didn't help that the weather turned cold, dark, and wet as I made my way home.

The good news is that I do know the counterbalance to the ever-present darkness within. Well, as close to a counterattack as I'll ever have. It will never go away completely. But with this particular time of year and how it affects me is that I need to start taking and using my vitamin D and B complex consumption. As well as get back on the fish oil supplements (I'm not really a seafood person) and increase my caffeine consumption even more than I already do. Plus make sure that I'm getting enough iron and protein. And forcing myself to watch funny shows and movies. Yeah...

So, here I am. Blogging so I don't dwell any longer. Sitting up in bed, trying to think of ways to distract myself until sleep finally comes. If it finally comes. Wishing I wasn't so "high maintenance" and wishing I could handle life like everyone else does. Wishing my brain wasn't broken. And, most of all, wishing I wasn't alone so I could finally stop feeling like I'm alone in this world. 

Sorry this post sucks. I promise the next one will be better.

Tell Her She's Beautiful

Tell her she's beautiful. You don't have to give her flowers or cards (although both are nice) to show her you care. All you have to do is tell her she's beautiful. And, of course mean it.

Tell her she's beautiful because she lives in a world that tells her she's not. She lives in a world that tries to tear her down, day by day. She lives in a world that makes her feel as imperfect as possible. She lives with a mind that does the same as the negativity that she's subjected to. So tell her she's beautiful.

She doesn't have to be your wife and lover. She could be your best friend, your sister, your mother. She could be the coworker who's having a bad day or the waitress who brought the wrong food (well, maybe not that far, but you get the idea). She could be the random lady on the bus who appears to be near tears. No matter who she is, tell her she's beautiful. Because you may be the only person who has.

Falling Behind

So...yeah...it's three days into NaNoWriMo and I'm already way behind. My lofty thoughts of doing 5,000 words a day and finishing it in ten days have gone down like the Hindenburg. Even now, instead of writing my book, I'm writing this post. I would also like to add that I also have a cat on my lap and they are not the most conducive to the formation of novels. No matter what the Internet tries to convince you of.

I blame work, and work has been very time consuming. There is no denying that. When I spend the vast majority of my day either at work or traveling to and from, it does significantly cut down on my writing time. Although, if I'm going to be truly honest with myself (and you) the real reason is that my energy levels have taken a severe nosedive and the big reason for that is that I'm sleeping horribly. I wake up stiff and still tired and this morning I woke up feeling like I hadn't slept at all. When I'm tired like this, writing is not the most desirable thing in the world. Well, creative writing. This blog is requiring little thought so I have no issue writing it.

I'll try and put words to screen tonight, but my new plan is to take my laptop with me to work tomorrow and write on my "breaks". I need to do something to catch up. I have the following two days of from work, so that is when I will also be knocking out as much as I can.

On the upside, I do love the premise and the main character already. There's a lot of promise with this one and I'm really hoping it doesn't turn out reading like a rush job. I'm going to do everything possible to make it as good as possible with what time I have left. Who knows-maybe I'll achieve my desired word count on my days off. I hope so, anyway.

Well, I do need to sign off now. My novel beckons as well as my bed.

The Fight Inside

So, there are few people who know the true me. All about me. My past, my future, my hopes and dreams. It's a lonely life, this reality. 

To be honest, it's not that I hide it. To be honest, I welcome someone to join me in this journey of mine. Yet, here I am, alone. I have gone so long in this path that I really don't know how to let someone in. But, who I am, I am not one to let one in lightly. It's been a difficult journey and trust is not an easy thing I give to others. It's a path that I have let others join and it has...gone awry. To say the least. Yet I continue down this path alone and it is mine to continue.

So, there it is. I wish you all and I hope you continue with me in this little sliver I give to you.