The Blink of an Eye

A childhood friend of mine died yesterday. We hadn't spoken much since graduation (maybe a handful of times, at most), so I'm not suffering as much as his actual friends are. It's just...sudden. I don't have much information on the matter, so I won't be going into any deals. Also, in respect for the family and friends, I won't go into it. The only point I would like to make is this: he had a birthday a few days prior and I didn't bother to wish him a "happy birthday". And now he's gone and the opportunity is gone forever. 

Now, you can easily say that I had no way of knowing he would be taken so soon; but that's my point exactly. One day he's here and the next he's taken. It would have taken two seconds to say "happy birthday" and I didn't. Life serves steep lessons sometimes. This is one of them. 

We all have this preconceived notion that we'll live forever. Or die old. Or have warning of our own demise before it happens. The harsh truth is that none of these are guaranteed. Nothing in life is. Life, rarely at best, goes the way we expect it to go. We are entitled to nothing in this life and yet we take every day for granted as if there's another one waiting for us when we go to bed at night. The truth of the matter is that there is no guarantee that we'll even make it to bed when we wake up in the morning. Zero guarantee that the day you awaken to will be a full one. 

My point is this: you only have a set number of days and no one, especially you, knows when your time is up. So make the most of the fraction of life you have left.

Hello, Darkness, My Old Friend

Two things: First an apology for being gone so long. Even though 2015 is really barely just begun, we're already in the second month and so much has already happened. This year is meant to be one of drastic changes and it will not take any prisoners in the process. If you're not willing to ride the wave, you may find yourself swept up underneath it.

Second, I have a lot on my mind. Too much on my mind. Instead of risking a second night of insomnia, I figured I instead to put words to screen so I can actually manage to get some rest. Fingers crossed, anyway. However, I won't be disclosing much of it due to the fact that so much is up in the air at the moment. Yeah me.

So, to begin, I would like to point our that The Sound of Silence is my favorite Simon and Garfunkle song. It always has been, as well. The title of the blog post is straight from it. The tone is haunting and bleak. It is filled with loneliness and longing. You can almost hear their hearts aching with every word that they sing. Yet, on the same coin, it is a song of poetic beauty. They see the false prophets of profits that the world has forged for themselves and the two singers do not seek to follow the same path. They hold fast to a bittersweet integrity that has been long forgotten by the world. Instead of speaking empty words, they echo forth the sound of silence. They know they are truly alone and they fully accept their fate.

At times, this has been a hard blog to write. To be completely honest, to bare my heart and soul each time, to allow you a glimpse into the inner recesses of my mind; it takes sacrifice. As Ethan Hawke so eloquently put it recently, "It doesn't come for free." I am, in full honesty, here for you as I am for myself. I know my own bittersweet melody is the crying voice of others, as well. And if I can give voice to the beaten and broken-hearted; then let my words ring loud and true.

In closing, dear readers, I am here for you. You are not alone and know now that your silence is a sound that echoes across the world.

The Dirge and the Wedding Song

At my dad's funeral, they played Landslide by Fleetwood Mac. Now, my dad, my parent and a large part of who I was as a person, had just passed away suddenly. What those attending the funeral didn't know was, around the time of his death, the Dixie Chicks had made a cover of the song that was played on pretty much every station on the radio. Which, coincidentally, was my introduction to the song. So when I heard that being played, it rippedy heart out completely.

The reason I bring this up is there is a third rendition. One done by the Smashing Pumpkins. A version so beautiful that, should (IF) I ever get married, I want it played at my wedding. And, when (it's a solid when) I die, I want it at my funeral. 

Now this might sound really odd; but also take into the fact that Amazing Grace fits both occasions, as well as Somewhere Over The Rainbow. The joining of lives together and the loss of one are the two most significant things that can happen to you. Just short of having a child, any way. These three songs fit both occasions perfectly.

Honestly, I'm not sure where I was going with this, other than I've already picked out the songs for my funeral. So, there you go. Night.

A Gentle Reminder

Sorry I haven't been posting as much as I normally do. It's been a pretty hectic January, which much going on. The days have been a blur, from one day to the next, with the lone exception of my birthday, which was a couple days ago. I still have had only one day off since Christmas, but I'm finally at the point where I don't care any more. Things, in a bizarre kind of way, are really looking up. And that's what this post is about.

In full disclosure, this post isn't just about me. A lot of people I know are feeling overwhelmed and carrying huge burdens on their shoulders. But, instead of snapping at each other like they were last month, there's just a lost, desperate look in their eyes. That is what this post is about.

At the end of this post is a picture I found on Facebook last week. I saved it on my phone because it's something I need to remind myself of. Sometimes daily. Sometimes more frequent than that. The picture, as I'm sure you can see, is words and a glass of water. Once you finish reading it, I want you to repeat the last sentence. It doesn't matter if it's twice, five times or ten. But I want that point to sink in. Because, as one wise person once put it "The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself."

No Longer Running

We humans fear success as much, if not more than we do failure. We do. Change, especially big, important change is the ultimate unknown. As complex as our brains are and completely able to handle the greatest abstract with ease; as soon as something equally complex, but real, comes along, our brains shut down and fear is kicked in. Anything that actually changes our reality is met with opposition. 

There's a girl I'm interested in, but I'm not going to follow through with it. Mainly because she has a boyfriend and I neither cheat or poach. It's not who I am. The other reason is the reality behind it. She's a caring, sweet girl with a lot of complicated things on her plate. None of that phases me in the slightest. Lord knows the last thing I have is a simple life. But the reality that it would become a genuine relationship, and maybe even a big one, scares me. Even though I know she wouldn't leave another scar on my heart; even the remote possibility of it happening is enough for me to stand back.

Here's the flipside, though. Unlike in the past, if she were to pursue it, I would go for it. Fear be damned, I would push past and take my chance. IF she were to say that she broke up with her boyfriend and would be interested in seeing a movie or something, I would. Only then, though. I know what it's like to be cheated on, so I'm not going to poach someone else's girlfriend. And I'm not going to pursue someone who's only looking for a friend (which I'm more than happy to be).

Like most things in life, there's only a small window of opportunity for this to happen. I really haven't told anyone this, but this past Tuesday I put in my two weeks notice at work. This girl work right near me; and the liklihood of me going back to that mall, at all really, is slim to none. Ethically, morally, I cannot remain with this company (especially everything that has happened within the past week).   I also know she's mostly in her way out, which I don't fault her for in the slightest. So the opportunity for ANYTHING to happen has to happen in ten days or less. And, to be fully honest, if the opportunity arises to leave sooner, I'm taking it without a second thought. I'm done. 

Retail has always been my safety net; but I'm cutting the strings at last. To others, it will look like I'm falling, but the reality is that this is a leap of faith. To a better future. To a better reality than what I have now. I'm severing the occupational umbilical cord and finally becoming the person I was meant to be. I'm no longer running away from me.

Living With the Demon

"Some day soon we all will be together. If the Fates allow. Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow." -Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

A friend of mine almost killed himself tonight. I watched the drama unfold on Facebook and (thankfully) a mutual friend intervened and saved his life. If she hadn't come for him when she did, he would have jumped off the bridge and taken his own life.

It seems a lot of people I know are going through some heavy stuff right now. I know of two separate people who broke up with their significant others on New Year's Eve. For good reason, mind you, but still a major coincidence. There's the friend who almost killed himself; and I'm pretty certain his relationship is over with his girlfriend. Then the attempted break-in just before New Year's with me and my aunt. Everyone I come across is extremely unhappy and to the point where we're at each other's throats. Which is unusual, because normally people are a lot calmer after the post-holiday stress is off their shoulders and many people begin resolutions to improve their lives. I personally am on the edge of falling into a deep depression; and if it wasn't for the drastic increase in my vitamin intake, I probably would have gone over that edge already.

Speaking of which, I feel for my friend. I know exactly what it's like to be in that place mentally, because I've been there quite a few times. I've never taken that final step because there's always been someone there to intervene. It wouldn't surprise me if I get to that place soon, again-especially with an upcoming birthday (which is never guaranteed to be a good day. Sometimes it is. Other times, well...). I'm not going to, mind you, because I know how many people it would hurt and I would never intentionally hurt someone. But the darkness is beginning to unfold and one of the classic signs (the disappearance of my appetite) has already begun. Thankfully, I'm recognizing the signs and, as I said before, I've amped up my vitamin intake to combat it. So far, so good.

The hardest thing someone with depression can do is talk about it. We speak not of the devil that is dragging us down. Instead, with our silence, we allow it to consume us. That is why I post about it so much. I know what it's like to let the darkness all consume me and if I don't shed light on it by talking about it, I know it will claim me. Just like it almost claimed my friend tonight.

The Question of "Why"

It's a vague memory of mine, but I think I was ten at the time, when I was sitting in the car with my dad and he asked me why I believed in God. My dad, mind you, was a staunch Christian and leading a Bible study at the time. Briefly had a church of his own (unofficially). I told him that I believed in God because he did. He told me that wasn't good enough and then proceeded to play devil's advocate and tried for over an hour to convince me there was no God and we just evolved. He wouldn't relent at all and forced me to make my case. He threw scientific arguments at me and I did the same back to him. I held my ground and, I believe, in the end, I won that round.

Now, this may sound completely strange to you, considering his faith and all, but also take into consideration it was Dad who taught me chess. Not once did he let me win and I can't really say I ever beat him. I tried and my game improved expedentially, but he always won in the end. He wanted us (my sister and I) to believe for just reason. To "question everything and hold fast what is good" (1 Thessolonians 5:21). He wanted us to not only believe what we believed in, but why we did . 

Now, this struck true with me. I'm a philosopher at heart; not an engineer. I could care less how a clock works. What I really want to know is why time is important in the first place. If the "how's" explain and justify the "whys" of this life, then awesome. But I'll still question it until I research it for myself. 

This is why I don't let anyone off the hook. I'm a high school graduate. I passed (barely, and by the skin of my teeth). But I was studying quantum physics before it was a mainstream term. Dad, who was probably on par with me academically (which isn't saying much), taught me chess, the love of astronomy, and to question always. By societal terms, we were just a bunch of backwater bumkins who just happen to be savants. The reality is that, by questioning all, we became much smarter than anyone ever gave us credit for.