Misadventures in the Journey of Life

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

A User's Guide to the End of the World.

“Inspirational quote.” — a person who is dead who you may have heard of, but probably not. But will pretend to have heard of said person and quote at a party. Or on Facebook.

Step One: Life is rubbish. This may come as a shock. But, then again, as the world is currently coming to an end, what did you really expect? Sure, you may have your job. Your marriage (or lack thereof). Even your friends and family. But, one glance at any headline (or Facebook status) and it’s pretty evident that life is rubbish.

So there you have it.

Step Two: People are rubbish. This is a surprise to no one. Not even you — Mr. Optimistic. You spend more than two seconds interacting with the human race and you realize that people are rubbish. This has nothing to do with the end of the world. It’s just how things are.

Step Three: The news is officially scary. Not in a “Mr. Peterson ran his car into a drug store because he was asleep at the wheel.” It’s frightening in a “what color is the terrorist watch at” or “how close are we to midnight on the Doomsday clock”. You take one glance at a headline and it’s pretty evident that the news will scare you. And will depress you to new ends.

Step Four: Comedians are the new newscasters. The newscasters are the new comedians. This is our new reality and really, nothing is going to change that.

Step Five: All of those depressing novels that you were forced to read in high school are now reality. The government is spying on you. Companies are spying on you. Your neighbors are, in some form or fashion, spying on you. Even if they don’t mean to. Just by living next to you, there’s tabs on you.

Who can you trust? See Step Number Two.

Step Six (Six, Six): None of what I’m saying really surprises you. I mean, sure, you’ll say that it does. You’ll say that this is all paranoia. But both you and I know that we only wish it was paranoia. And that things have never been this bad. And you don’t know how worse they can get.

Step Seven: Vices!! Everyone has them. Even your dear old gran. Just don’t ask her what they are. Awkward…

But pay any attention and you’ll notice that everyone is running after their vices full steam. And, really, can you blame them?

Step Eight: Everyone is mad. So mad. So angry at each other. And themselves. This is a surefire sign of the end of times. But, really nowadays, is there anything that you can’t not be bad at? Even double negatives?

Step Nine: I’m bored. Are we still doing this? Were steps 1–8 not enough? Fine. Bird flu. Anti-vaxers. Holocaust and moon landing deniers. 9/11 conspiracy theories. Flat Earthers. The list goes on.

Step Ten: Really, do we even need a Step Ten. One through nine were bad enough and things aren’t getting any better.

Saturday, October 28, 2017

In Mourning.

“ I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart.” — Romans 9:2

“There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief.” — Aeschylus

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” — Washington Irving

There’s no beating around the bush about this — today is not an easy day. Today marks the 14th anniversary of my Dad passing away. And, while that may seem like quite a long time; to those who have lost someone, especially someone who you were closed to and loved, fourteen years is nothing. Fourteen years may as well have been yesterday.

Because, as they never tell you in books or movies or anything of the such — grief never truly goes away. There’s no cure for it. It is a permanent scar upon the heart that only you can truly see. Can truly feel.

The thing about grief is that it is much like it’s blood brother, Depression. It’s not always front and center. Sure, it never goes away, but most days (once enough time has passed), it plays quietly in the background like an ever-present, but ever so soft dirge. Some days, most days really, you don’t notice it. You go about your day as if life is normal. These are the blessed Good Days.

The Bad Days are an entirely different story. Again, much like it’s blood brother Depression, when grief rears it’s ugly head, it is an unstoppable wave of sorrow and pain. The weight of loss beats you down and threatens to drown you in anguish and heartache. When you start crying uncontrollably over something seemingly simple — a lyric to a song, a line in a movie, a passerby who resembles too much like the person you lost, a smell of something that reminded you of them. Even a good event, such as getting married, giving birth, or a long awaited promotion, can bring about the torrent of remorse — because the one person who you wish you could share this moment with is gone forever.

Bad Days can (and most often do) start from the moment you wake up. You wake up sad (as if there were ever such an ineffective description as this) and no amount of attempted joy will ever bring you up from the true pits of despair. These are the worst of the Bad Days.

One of the worst aspects of Bad Days is that they can compound so quickly. Bad Days turn into Bad Weeks. Even Bad Months. When grief and depression share an unshakable suffocating bond upon your very being. When your heart is in an ever tight vice, slowly crushing you.

And the worst part about the Bad Days, the grief, and the depression, is that it’s an Invisible Monster. One that is tearing you apart and no one else can see it. No one else can feel it. No one else can truly experience it.

Today is a Bad Day for me. I woke up missing my Dad and remembered the date. Today is not going to be an easy day for me in the slightest. But, I’m still going to go on living it. I’m still going to take care of myself as best as I can. And, as much as I have the deep desire to be alone, I know I’m going to go to a bad place mentally and emotionally if I allow myself to push people away.

So I won’t. I know my Dad would want me to be happy. I know my Dad wouldn’t want me missing him and letting the despair crush me. I know my Dad wouldn’t want me to suffer. So, in honor of him and in despite of myself, I will make a day of today.

In closing, I leave you with one more quote. It’s from the last part of the seventh book of the Harry Potter series written by J.K. Rowling. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. The quote was by Dumbledore: “Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all those who live without love.”

Monday, July 17, 2017

The Catalyst of Focus

There is no such thing as a life without change. Cliche, I know, but true. To piggyback this, chaos, or what we perceive to be chaos, is just another form of change. Sometimes chaos is self-inflicted; but other times it is life forcing you to change. To move on. To move forward when you don't think it's possible. Chaos, in a way, can be a catalyst for new beginnings. If we let it, that is.

Chaos will either destroy you or rebuild you. And the only one to make the call of how that happens is you.

Which leads me to my other point: focus. The difference between a flashlight and a laser is how focused the light is. One of them can provide light and push away a bit of darkness. One of them can cut through stone. The sheer amount of focus you need to...rebuild, if you will, your entire life is comparable to that laser. To change your fate, you must hone in your focus to the point of cutting the chains that hold you back. Without focus, you cannot change. With some focus, you can change but a little. With full focus, with that laser intensity, you can change everything. Cut through the cloth of chaos and mold your fate into something you never thought possible.

Be the beam and break the chains.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

An Open Letter to the Washington State Representatives on the Matter of the Possible Closure of Our State Parks.

Dear Washington State Representative,

I am writing you today voicing my concern on the possibility of the shutdown of our state parks. I only assume that I am far from the first to express their opinion on the matter, yet I am hoping that my conjecture will not fall upon deaf ears or be passed off as just another commoner with no valid speculation. As someone who frequents our state parks multiple times a year, I wish for my voice to be heard.

We, the people of the 42nd state to enter the Union, both love and highly value our state parks. Whether it be Flaming Geyser State Park near Black Diamond, Bridgeport State Park on Rufus Woods Lake, or Blind Island State Park off of Shaw Island in the San Juans, we use the parks to get back to nature and escape the rat race that we subject ourselves to most days out of the week. We the people use the parks for a wide variety of activities — from hiking and camping to weddings and photography shoots. While the state parks may be just an item on an budget report to you, they mean far more to the vast amounts of citizens that visit these parks each and every day.

Citizens, I might add, that voted you into your office.

If it is a budget issue that might cause the closure of the state parks, let’s look at how much money you’ll be losing, not saving. You will be losing 1.4 million day-use and overnight visitors to these parks. Included in that is nearly 11,000 paid camping and overnight reservations. Just one week of closure would cost the state $2 million in revenue. Not to mention that you would be shutting down the state parks at what is arguably the incline of the most profitable period of the year. Meaning that the numbers that I have given you might be on the more conservative side.

Not to mention that it would also affect 26,000 state employees. Twenty-six thousand. Individuals with families. Individuals with bills and debts. Individuals who would be forced to find work elsewhere in an already over-saturated job market. The impact of this alone would be staggering on the economy.

If you move to have the parks shut down, I move that you refund those who have already paid for reservations that they will no longer be able to use. If you deny us the privilege of the use of state land, then we should be reimbursed for our inconvenience. After all, there should be no reason that we should suffer both loss of time and money due to the choices of our representatives. I believe that would only be fair to all parties involved.

In closing, I hope that you reconsider the closure of the state parks this summer. While I fully acknowledge that the state of Washington must maintain a balanced budget, it would be far more detrimental than beneficial to shut down the 130 parks that we pay to visit. We the people risk more than the loss of spent income — we lose the experiences and memories that would have been made there. Encounters that we would have reminisced upon years later.

Please do the right thing and keeps our parks open.

Sincerely,

A Washington State Citizen

Monday, June 19, 2017

Off The Mat.

"What sweet melody that is the beating heart. What exquisite harmony that is the ticking clock that marks our time until the end. What felonious hope is it that we will live to see the end. What fools these poor mortals be." - Me (some Shakespearean inspiration. Not to mention Poe)

Ambition is a funny thing. We place so many of life's chips on a plan working out. We have goals. We have ventures that we plunge head first into - time and time again. What sheer hope and determination we place on the heavy fog that is our future. And, to what actual evidence do we sink our anchor into? Rarely more than the utmost of scant top soil. And, yet, as a species, we persevere. Despite all obvious evidence, like the bumblebee, we overcome and spite the odds against us.

"What fools these mortals be."

Don't get me wrong - there is nothing wrong against a dream. There is nothing wrong with giving life your absolute all. There is nothing wrong against going up against all odds.

My point is that we, as the human race, flat out refuse to cave to the audacity of success. We as a species has and will always be the underdog (in the grand spectrum of things). But, by gum, we will, time and time again, out think and out breed all of our obstacles. Why? Because we can. Because we do.

If I am currently sounding on the more cynical side, that's because success is a cruel mistress. The chips will always be stacked against you. The thing of it is, due to our quite ample population, we overcome all odds.

I mean, we walked on the moon and have sent satellites past our known solar system. What other terrestrial species can claim this? None.

The point of all this is that life and (and repeatedly will) give you a solid and swift kick to the proverbial genitals. Suffering, pain, unfathomable tragedy: that's all of the package deal of this existence. It can happen. It will happen. You are not, nor will you ever be immune to it.

So, the real question is not can you get back off the mat after life deals you a solid and low blow. The true quandary is how many times you will rise and rise again.

Because, suffering is inevitable. It's how you scrape yourself off and rise from the ashes is what truly matters.

And no one will ever answer that but you.

Friday, May 26, 2017

The Beauty and The Storm

In my life, I've had setbacks. In my life, I've had both days that didn't work out and days that made zero sense. In my life, I've had the inexplicable hit the fan.

Today was that day.

So, fair warning, I try and sugar coat my life. Even my depression. Especially my depression. But, as things go, that always doesn't work out. And, believe it or not, if you were to meet me in person, I would put on a brave face and pass things off in the best light. It's who I am and it's who I will always be.

Today is not that day.

In this life, if one is fortunate, you will hit a wall. Maybe not once. Okay, never just once, but you will pretend it is. But you will reach a point where you just can't. Where there is no option in your life where you can not, in any way, shape or form, deal with the physical environment around you. Where, in all honesty, reality has fecaled the bed and you just...can't.

The worst part, is the everyone around you is living their life. Doing their own thing as your world dissolves in front of them. Actually, the worst part of all of this is that they (meaning the human populace around you) is 100% oblivious. They neither know nor remotely care. And they have no reason to.

Their life is not yours.

Your life isn't theirs.

Which means, at some point, you've been "that guy" in the middle of Walmart trying on shoes or looking at the back of a DVD while someone near by is sobbing their eyes out. And, not only could you care less, but you know less. You won't care and you have no reason to. You're just doing your thing while their whole world falls apart.

So, to sum things up because it's late: I'm sad. Life has handed me a hard and familiar hand. I hit a point, mentally, where I was squally angry and disappointed by the news that I got this morning.

And I'm not okay.

At all.

I'm mad, in fact. But that is life. Life WILL make you angry. Life WILL make you sad. Life WILL hurt your heart. But, even after you're gone, life WILL move on. And there is zero chance that that will stop.

What happened, happened. That's just how things work. Disappointment is a guarantee. The only thing that isn't is how you react.

Pain is pain. It's as unchanging as the rain that falls and the sun that shines. Growth is not. You don't have to grow. You should, mind you, and believe me, life will force you to. You will be given all and every choice to move on. It may, or may not, be even remotely immediate, but it will be there. That fork in the road will always be there.

I faced a fork today. I faced some honesty painful disappointment today. I got a response that hurt the heart. But, instead of dwelling, I'm growing. Instead of hurting, I'm healing. I'm moving on.

Because, at the end of the day, we have one life to live. And, as deep as the dark gets, I will forever strive for the light.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Say Anything.

“Say something I’m giving up on you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you. Anywhere I would have followed you. Say something, I’m giving up on you.” — Say Something by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera

There are few greater risks you will attempt in your life than falling in love. To take that one person who was once a stranger and slowly build your life around them. To have that one person who you never knew become the only person who matters truly the most. The one you would lie for. The one you would die for. The one you would uproot your entire life if it meant that you could spend it with them. Especially when you know that there’s a chance, no matter how slim, that it will end.

People “fall in love” all the time. And, to be fair, it is like falling. Free falling from a plane. Everything that was once safe is behind you as you plummet towards the unknown. It’s equally frightening and exhilarating. It’s letting go and it’s freeing. In the beginning, you have no control over it. You let the winds of fate blow through your hair and take you on a most unexpected journey.

That’s the easy part.

When the passion dies like conflagration into a coal, that’s when it becomes real. When the problems that you once gladly swept under the rug (providing that you even saw them in the first place) become more apparent. After the first fight — and then the second, you start to realize that this supposed iron clad bond between the two of you isn’t as strong as you once presumed. When the rose colored glasses start to dim, the reality of it all starts to clear like a fog parting through the mountains. That’s when the true fear sets in. Maybe, just maybe, the two of you aren’t as perfect, after all. When the fiery tornado of new love slowly unwinds into a steady candle of routine — that’s when you discover if it was ever truly real in the first place.

There reaches a point in every relationship when you question if it’s worth it. You start to wonder if dating (or, if it’s gone that far, marrying) them was a mistake. When the fights become more regular than what you ever anticipated. When you’re sitting on the couch together and don’t speak. When you’re lying in the same bed and you might as well by sleeping next to a stranger. When the calls that would last until three in the morning now barely last ten minutes. When you can’t even remember the last time you told them that you loved them. And you’re not even sure of the last time you felt it. When you stopped kissing. When you stopped touching. When you begin the course of no longer caring.

That’s when you reach the fork in the road. One road is where you start to work on the relationship and pour everything into rebuilding. The other you do nothing and it eventually dies. And no one can make that call except the two of you. And even then, there’s no 100% guarantee that it will work.

The problem with the past is that everyone has one. Everyone has been hurt at least once. Everyone has that ex that makes you question everything. Including your sanity. Which leads to emotional baggage. The problem with this, emotional baggage, is that if left unchecked, it tends to build. Like a weed, it starts to overgrow into your new relationships; eventually smothering them. If left unchecked, one bad relationship will poison all the ones that follow. Even the greatest built ship will eventually meet an iceberg if you don’t change course.

The last part of this post is the hardest. There are scant few things that you will endure that are harder than the end of a relationship. When the person you cherished with all your heart becomes the person you no longer recognize. When the one that you love is the one that you have to say goodbye. When you have to let go of the one who once mattered the most. Through all the tears and all the pain. When all that you hold dear finally comes to a close. There are few things harder than that.

We mourn. We weep. A little bit of us dies inside. But, through this catastrophe is a chance to grow. A chance to learn. A chance to become whole once more. Is it easy? No. If anything, it’s the furthest from easy you will ever get. Is it necessary? Yes. Because eventually the shards and shadows of your past loves will eventually fade away. All that will be left are the lessons that you have a choice to either learn or lose.

These scars you have. They can either cripple you or change you. Cupid’s arrows will always be bittersweet. It’s up to you of what to do once you’ve been stung.