What the Map Truly Proves

So, one of the nice features of having a blog on Blogger is that it has a site tracker. I can see, at any given time, which posts have been viewed and in which countries the posts have been read. Yes, countries. At present, this blog had 289 views in the US, second place of Germany with 12, and third place of Russia with 6. Even Palestine has a couple views. The first blog I wrote had 616 views total; with first place being the Netherlands with 162 views, France with 73, and the U.S. in third place with 65 views. 

Now, while it sounds like I'm bragging, I'm not. I'm actually humbled by this. I'm not some jet-setting celebrity. I'm just your average guy who puts words on a page and share with you my sliver of life and views on it all. So let me tell you what this map truly says: You matter.

I may not have met you, but if you're reading this blog, it has made an impact. It might be a small impact or a giant splash. It's completely likely that I will never know. So if someone you probably have never met can make an impact like this, imagine the imprint you leave on the world. Just like your thumbprint and DNA strand makes you uniquely you, so does the rest of your life's experiences. You cannot place a monetary value on how much the human life really means. There will never be another you, so why waste your time being someone else entirely. Be you. Make the most out of your life. Build your own map, because I promise you the world is a lot smaller than you think it is. I'm living proof of that.

So, go forth and make the most of the time you have left. Seize each day as if it is your last and I promise you you will have made the most of it.

Can't Put My Finger On It

So, as I post this, I am on my way into work for the night. All throughout the day, I have this sense of foreboding that started weak, but has been growing as the hours past. A dread that I can't put my finger on the reason why. 

It's quite possible that it's just fatigue throwing off the rest of my biochemistry. There aren't any external clues to set off this trigger-at least none that spring to mind. 

I'm posting this in the event that it's more than just a feeling. And, even if it does turn out to be nothing, I did listen to my intuition and posted this. 

On that note, I'll be heading in to work in a few minutes. I hope everyone has a good night.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.

As I type this, it is already towards the end of the third week in September. Which means Autumn is properly upon us. There's a popular meme out there that if you say Pumpkin Spiced Latte three times in a mirror, a white girl wearing yoga pants will appear and tell you her favorite things about fall. While I am white, I'm also a dude. And if you try and put me in yoga pants, there will be words exchanged. Since I've been inadvertently summoned, here's some things I love about my favorite season.

•Halloween. For as long as I can remember, it's always been my favorite holiday. Even above Christmas. And it's everything about it that I love about it. Always have and always will. I'm weird like that and it's who I am.

I look forward to it every year. If/when I ever get married, it will be, without a doubt, happen on October 31st. I just hope that my future partner (whomever she may be) is cool with that.

• Pumpkin spiced latte. Actually, a pumpkin spiced dirty chai. That's both coffee and chai, with pumpkin flavoring. I used to work at Starbucks, so I'm allowed to be picky like that.

•Pumkin beer and pumpkin pie. One you can get year round. The other I'm really picky about (we've all had that pumpkin beer that we regretted as soon as we've tasted it).

•Football. This one is new. I never was much of a sports fan before moving to Texas. Since returning and the utter destruction that the Seahawks did upon the Broncos, I've become a fervent football fan. That, and let's be honest-I've always been a fan of the cheerleaders. It hels when some of your closest friends growing up are cheerleaders. I just never got into football before now.

•The changing of the leaves. What? When I was in Texas, seasons didn't happen.it was something I missed dearly about the PNW. That earthy smell and th fact that the trees were a fire of leaves. It was, and is, utterly gorgeous to me.

•Lower temps. Not cold. I still have issues with the cold. My joints hurt and I'm a pretty miserable sod come winter. Fall provides me with warm temperatures dieting the day, but cool temps during the night to help me sleep and recharge my soul.

So, there's my list. I could include Thanksgiving, but it's on the verge of winter, so I don't personally count it.

As I Walk Through The Valley of the Shadow of Death

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me." Psalm 23:4

This post is, in a way, a continuation of my previous one. It also needs to happen tonight be used of a life changing event that happened eleven years ago. 

Today would have been my dad's 70th birthday. There would have been a party and he would have hated all the attention. At least, that's what he would have claimed. Inside, I know he would have loved seeing those who loved him celebrate his life. Which, in a way, we still are doing.

My dad passed away suddenly the night of October 28th, 2003. He had multiple lung diseases caused by working with asbestos and smoking for 33 years. He had an asthma attack (far from his first) and this particular one claimed his life before he could even get to the medicine that would have saved him. I was home and in bed at the time, and rushed out when I heard all the commotion. It was a flurry of confusion, but I knew that something was different about this particular one. In a way, I watched my dad die.

We had already called the ambulance, and I waited outside for them. When they showed up eleven minutes after the call (mind you, he was still alive when we placed the call), they began working on him immediately. My mom sent me to my grandparents, who lived a quarter mile down the road, and during that walk I begged God to let me trade places with him or at least let my dad live. God said "no" and that night my dad passed away. 

If I could put a defining moment on my adult life, this is it. So much so, that in 2007, I got the date tattooed on my left leg and it's still the only tattoo I have. The first six years after his death were the hardest. I was, without a doubt, a shell of a human being living in the constant smothering cloud of deep depression and mourning. Yet, there was another defining moment that ultimately broke that chain and forced me to move on and start healing. That defining moment was my cancer scare in 2008. 

It began with the sudden, sharp pains in my right side. At first, it was pretty infrequent, but it soon became a daily event. Then I noticed the sizable lump where my right kidney is. So big that it easily protruded through my skin. There was even a point when I had an attack so bad that I blacked out from the pain. It literally felt like I was dying. I sought medical attention and, after three different physicians and three different hospitals, I was diagnosed with what is called a cluster cyst. The random excruciating pains I was having was one of the clusters bursting. Now, I want to mention now that at no time was I ever tested for cancer-despite my desire to be so. To this day, I still have no idea whether or not I had or have cancer. None of the three doctors would do it for me and the last one told me straight up that it would be far too expensive to do the tests. So, to this day, that possibility has always been in the back of my mind. Thankfully (on my mom's side, anyway) there isn't any family history of cancer, so I have that going for me.

It goes without saying, but when you face two separate instances of death staring you in the face, you lose all illusion of immortality. I will even say that if I don't start taking better care of myself and make my health more of a priority that it is now, that my lifespan will not be as long as it should be. This bothers me, because even though I do not fear death, I do fear dying with unfinished business. Simply put, I'm not ready to go yet.

There are three main things in my life that I will categorize as unfinished business: lack of kids, lack of published works, and I'm not done changing the world.

The first one is immensely important to me. For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted a family and I've always wanted kids. I'm amazing with kids, as well, so that helps. Equally important is the fact that, as far as I'm aware, I'm the last of my name-meaning if I die without passing on my last name to someone, my name dies with me. That scares me much more than I'm willing to admit. 

The second is I'm a writer, so I have an incredibly strong desire to live long enough to see my work published. Not only published, but read, as well. While I am a poet, I have the strong urgency to publish novels. I feel it's my calling and my purpose. 

The third is exactly that. I'm not done changing the world. Gandhi is famously quoted as saying "Be the change you want to see in the world." and that is how I live my life. I'm not done making a positive impact on those I come in contact with. And, to those who I have wronged, I have a strong desire to make amends and rebuild lost friendships. Both for their sake and my own. To know that there are those who I have wronged in some way, shape or form, and I haven't been able to make amends bothers me deeply. This is not something I want to take to my grave.

So, in closing, if you take nothing else from this post, take this: Your days are numbered and you know not that number. Life is precious and can end suddenly and without warning. Death is inevitable- it's how you live that truly matters.

Memories of Fictions' Past

So, here I am in my early 30's and it's nothing like I imagined it would be. I pictured, so long ago, that I would be published author and have a family, or at the very least a wife by now. A decent, steady career. A close circle of friends and somewhat of a social life. You know, the very things that movies and guidance councelors tell us we should have. 

It goes without saying, but I have achieved very little of what I thought I would have. My life isn't even close to where I thought I would be, so long ago. To be honest, though, I'm okay with that. Here's why:

My life, thus far, has been an unpredictable adventure that has taken me on many travels and I lived in Texas (a state, in my youth, that was just a place on the map). While I have yet to marry, I have been in love. While I have not had any children of my own, I have cared for the children of others as if they were my own. While I haven't published (or even written) a book, I'm now on my third blog that has readers literally all over the world. It has been a life of glorious accidents and misadventures. 

While I am currently going through yet another storm, I know that I will get through it with the help of those who truly care about me. I am loved, and that means the world to me. This life of mine is unique to me and I wouldn't want it any other way.

The Penny On The Road

Tonight I was walking towards the grocery store when I spotted a penny on the road. It was easily within reach from the sidewalk and all it would have taken was for me to lean over and snatch it up. Yet, it was also rush hour, and my intuition told me to leave this penny be. Sure enough, not a moment later an SUV went right over that penny. 

While this may sound like the most insignificant thing that has happened to me, ask yourself this: What if I had gone for the penny? Considering how quickly events unfolded, it's arguable that I would have been hit by that SUV if I had not listened and gone for the penny. Then, such a minor experience would have been a life-changing (or even life ending) event. So often things happen within a blink of an eye that can alter things forever. 

Fast forward to after I left the grocery store (I had to load my ORCA card). As I'm walking through the parking lot, I spotted another penny on the ground. With a smile, I bent down, plucked it up, and continued on my journey.

Now, let's consider the philosophical difference between the first penny and the second. Both were easily able to obtain, but I was meant to get the second one and not the first. The risk far outweighed the reward; yet I was bound to be a penny richer, either way. So often in life we chase after things that were not meant for us in the first place; but if we wait and keep our eyes open, we might be rewarded even more so than if we pursue what doesn't belong to us.

So, in closing, I ask you this: Which penny are you reaching for?

The Storm of Words is Coming

So, as I lay here awake in the early hours of the morning of September first (my new job has my sleep schedule completely messed up), it dawned on me that it is only two months until November. While November is already a busy month for people, it's going to be doubly so for me. Here's why:

There's an event in November called Movember. Movember's participants spend the entire month growing a mustache and raising both awareness and funds for prostate cancer. I haven't registered yet for this year, but will be doing so as soon as I can.

More importantly, November is also NaNoWriMo. This stands for National Novel Writing Month and I'm using this to kick start my writing career. I've made a few attempts to do this in the past, but I haven't been successful so far. Which is why it's somewhat intimidating for me. I've already registered for this year and I have the idea for a plot, plus two main characters. I'm going to be outlining (which is something I NEVER do, but may be my only chance of success) to ensure I keep my focus and drive. 

I have also given myself an incentive: if I succeed and make it through November with a novel written (and one that I actually like and it isn't crap), I'm going to have it edited and I'm going to get it published. My goal is by the end of 2014 to be a published novelist and this is the only way that is going to happen. 

What I need from fellow participants and writers is motivation and guidance. Encourage me to keep going when I fall behind on my word count. Sure, I've gotten back into the habit of writing with this blog, but I fully acknowledge that writing a novel is an entirely different process. And it's a process that now has a time limit.

Also, there is a strong possibility that I will be starting a Kickstarter campaign to help pay for the cost of publishing. I'm planning on self-publishing it, which ensures that my book will be published when it's ready (no rejection letters bogging me down) and I am anticipating to be rather expensive. Any donations made to that will be greatly appreciated. 

So, yes, there is a storm of words on the horizon. I'm just hoping I don't drown in them.