I've never been married, never engaged, and I don't have any children that aren't furry and four-legged. Even those aren't mine. I'm single and it's looking like I will be for some time. While I am a strongly, strongly independent person; the lack of a companion in my life is starting to wear on me more than I'm willing to admit. I'm beginning to see the merit in being in love as opposed to being alone. And, for those who know me, that's a pretty big revelation for me to have.
I am saddened by this. Honestly and genuinely. Especially when I began going through the mental list of friends and family members who are in committed relationships and even have families of their own. The list was much longer than I originally first thought and it's one that is ever growing. This is one of those moments where I start re-evaluating everything in my life and start questioning why I am on this journey alone. Have I not found the right person yet or am I not meant to have anyone at all? It's honestly feeling more like the latter than the former. Which breaks my heart knowing that, well, I'll never be good enough for any one.
When I began my blog, I promised full honesty and this is honestly how I'm feeling and where I'm at. There is no happy ending or "that's just the way things are" to this post. I'm taking this realization pretty hard. I'm starting to feel a hole where a life partner should be and starting to acknowledge that there may well never be one. That my fear of dying alone is a completely valid one.
You're not alone. You're without a partner. I just want to put that out there because I think it's important to make sure you understand the difference between being alone and being lonely. You are lonely. It's hard to live in a Noah's Ark world when you're single. So much is done in couple mode, including going out with friends, that even being in a crowd can feel lonely.
ReplyDeleteBut, even people in committed relationships can feel that way (and it's not just those in long-distance relationships. Trust me.) It's not all joy and laughter, rainbows and unicorn farts when you're in a relationship, you know that. Relationships are hard work, and they're even harder when someone in that relationship is having a destructive relationship with themselves.
When I was a Christian, I believed it when I was told I wasn't worthy of the sacrifice made for me so I could get into heaven. I was reminded time and again that my worth, even as a child of god, was less than a penny because of sin and acts against god that I knowingly or unknowingly committed in my life. Unworthy of the sacrifice. Unworthy.
That word rang in my head, heart, and soul until it drowned out everything else. I tried to be grateful, but it became harder and harder to believe that one such as I could be valued, considering I was unworthy. I wasn't good enough.
And I wasn't good enough to take away something weighing heavily on my heart, something that had followed me from high school, through my early adulthood, and into mid adulthood. This burden, while prayed over many more times that I could count, was never lifted from my heart. It stayed there, rooted in my unworthy soul. I was attracted to women, and it was made quite clear to me that god didn't like that kind of thing. But no matter how many times I begged to be changed, it never happened, and to me, that was even more proof that I wasn't worth it to god. Fuck his big sacrifice, it was clear I was doomed.
So I looked within myself and started accepting something. I began to find me. Buried under years of unworthiness and anguish, was the real me. A gay woman who really digs nature.
I released my husband from the bonds of matrimony to a woman unfit to be a wife and I moved forward toward something brand new, yet old, because it had started when I was young.
Fast forward through a LOT of pain, a TON of self discovery; an ongoing journey filled with surprises and strife. I am in two relationships: one that isn't perfect; and another that is just as important, a little more perfect, far from over. That one is with me.
I will always have me. I will always be the most perfectly suited person for myself. I know I can believe me when I say, "Hey, we're going to be ok." I am learning to like myself. It isn't easy, as I have to unlearn so much from past experiences. I'm still working on it.
My relationship with Tam is not perfect, but it’s good. It helps to be with someone I've known since we were both seven. But I've been with me even longer, and I'll continue to be with me until the bitter end.
If you could, stop looking for someone to be an answer to your loneliness and thinking you're not good enough, and start moving forward. Get to know yourself and love and accept yourself. It has to be that way before anyone else will be able to do the same and have you believe them when they say it.
I'm still working on it myself. There are days when I think my life is horrible and awful, and the worst thing ever. Eventually I’ll sit back and enjoy being with me. I'm kind of funny, I like to write, read and I have excellent taste in music. I like the same foods and I always know what I need to cheer me up. That doesn't mean I don't go through bouts of ugly depression, because, wow... that shit hurts like hell. Yes, sometimes I'm lonely. But I'm still there for me.
Find yourself. Allow yourself the luxury of being with you... without you constantly looking for someone else to be with.
Thank you. First off, don't worry, that wasn't harsh at all. Like my sister said, that was actually beautiful and moving. I deeply appreciate your words of comfort.
ReplyDeleteSecond, you nailed it on the head when you said it's hard being single in a Noah's Ark world. To be fully, completely honest, I think that is the hardest part about being single, especially in your 30s. In your 20s, you can get away with it because everyone assumes in the next decade in your life you will have settled down and started a family. But when that doesn't happen, people start looking at you and judging you for not being in an LTR.
Also, it's always this time of year when I miss being in a relationship the most. Everyone is doing couple things and having all these happy memories and I start feeling left out. The holidays are always the hardest for any single person and this was just a moment where I was really feeling it.
I am still looking for me; and I will be the first to admit this. I have more pieces than ever before, but there's still some giant holes in the picture of me. And for the first time ever in my life, I'm finding myself actually desiring a partner. Which, to be honest, is a strange feeling. I've been so happy being alone that now that I had this foreign desire, I can't shake it. I also know it's not temporary, as I've had this "want" (if you will) since pretty much all of 2014. I just have kept it under wraps because I've been dealing with much else. And now that my personal and professional life is beginning to stabilize, I feel less of a "risk" to a relationship. Which is how I've felt for many years now.
It sounds odd, but this is the first time in my life where I feel like a grown up. Even more so than when I worked at the bank and had my own apartment. Perhaps this is also the reason for the desire for a partner.
Last of all, I've been on the flipside where I was in a relationship and felt extremely alone. Finding someone who supports me and loves me for who I am is top priority. Also, it goes without saying, but it must also be someone who I can love and support who they are and what their dreams are. True companionship for both of us.
Even if I am alone for the rest of my life, I know I will never actually be alone. And this I am okay with.
Much love,
The 'Phew
Excellent!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand the holidays being the hardest part of being single (no, I'm not single, but a long distance relationship kind of feels that way sometimes). I remember my first Christmas "alone" after my divorce. Holy crap! I was a basket case for weeks leading up to it. All of my traditions, all of my memories, all of my experiences revolved around being with family, and that wasn't going to happen.
I did a LOT of crying that year.
Then something bizarre happened. My kids came over that morning for gifts and breakfast, then they left. It was a short visit, nothing at all like it was the year before. They had plans to visit grandparents and join the big "do" on the hill. I, on the other hand, was going to be by myself for the first time ever on Christmas.
They left. I cried. Then, I grabbed my Christmas magazine and read it and felt better. Then I loaded the DVD player with the movies I got as gifts, and spent the day doing EXACTLY what I wanted. I watched my shows. I read my book. I listened to whatever music I wanted to (NOT banal holiday stuff) and dinked around on the computer. The result?
BEST. CHRISTMAS. EVER! (Ok, not EVER, but definitely one of the best: a relaxing, pleasant, surprisingly delightful day). Holidays are a season, my dear, not just a day. Take it all in and savor it. Pick the parts you love the best and build on those. Make new traditions. The world is opening up. You've taken some steps forward. Close that door, drop unnecessary baggage, and keep moving.
Love,
Auntie
It was supposed to say, "close that door behind you..." Sorry.
ReplyDelete