An Open Letter to the Washington State Representatives on the Matter of the Possible Closure of Our State Parks.

Dear Washington State Representative,

I am writing you today voicing my concern on the possibility of the shutdown of our state parks. I only assume that I am far from the first to express their opinion on the matter, yet I am hoping that my conjecture will not fall upon deaf ears or be passed off as just another commoner with no valid speculation. As someone who frequents our state parks multiple times a year, I wish for my voice to be heard.

We, the people of the 42nd state to enter the Union, both love and highly value our state parks. Whether it be Flaming Geyser State Park near Black Diamond, Bridgeport State Park on Rufus Woods Lake, or Blind Island State Park off of Shaw Island in the San Juans, we use the parks to get back to nature and escape the rat race that we subject ourselves to most days out of the week. We the people use the parks for a wide variety of activities — from hiking and camping to weddings and photography shoots. While the state parks may be just an item on an budget report to you, they mean far more to the vast amounts of citizens that visit these parks each and every day.

Citizens, I might add, that voted you into your office.

If it is a budget issue that might cause the closure of the state parks, let’s look at how much money you’ll be losing, not saving. You will be losing 1.4 million day-use and overnight visitors to these parks. Included in that is nearly 11,000 paid camping and overnight reservations. Just one week of closure would cost the state $2 million in revenue. Not to mention that you would be shutting down the state parks at what is arguably the incline of the most profitable period of the year. Meaning that the numbers that I have given you might be on the more conservative side.

Not to mention that it would also affect 26,000 state employees. Twenty-six thousand. Individuals with families. Individuals with bills and debts. Individuals who would be forced to find work elsewhere in an already over-saturated job market. The impact of this alone would be staggering on the economy.

If you move to have the parks shut down, I move that you refund those who have already paid for reservations that they will no longer be able to use. If you deny us the privilege of the use of state land, then we should be reimbursed for our inconvenience. After all, there should be no reason that we should suffer both loss of time and money due to the choices of our representatives. I believe that would only be fair to all parties involved.

In closing, I hope that you reconsider the closure of the state parks this summer. While I fully acknowledge that the state of Washington must maintain a balanced budget, it would be far more detrimental than beneficial to shut down the 130 parks that we pay to visit. We the people risk more than the loss of spent income — we lose the experiences and memories that would have been made there. Encounters that we would have reminisced upon years later.

Please do the right thing and keeps our parks open.

Sincerely,

A Washington State Citizen

Off The Mat.

"What sweet melody that is the beating heart. What exquisite harmony that is the ticking clock that marks our time until the end. What felonious hope is it that we will live to see the end. What fools these poor mortals be." - Me (some Shakespearean inspiration. Not to mention Poe)

Ambition is a funny thing. We place so many of life's chips on a plan working out. We have goals. We have ventures that we plunge head first into - time and time again. What sheer hope and determination we place on the heavy fog that is our future. And, to what actual evidence do we sink our anchor into? Rarely more than the utmost of scant top soil. And, yet, as a species, we persevere. Despite all obvious evidence, like the bumblebee, we overcome and spite the odds against us.

"What fools these mortals be."

Don't get me wrong - there is nothing wrong against a dream. There is nothing wrong with giving life your absolute all. There is nothing wrong against going up against all odds.

My point is that we, as the human race, flat out refuse to cave to the audacity of success. We as a species has and will always be the underdog (in the grand spectrum of things). But, by gum, we will, time and time again, out think and out breed all of our obstacles. Why? Because we can. Because we do.

If I am currently sounding on the more cynical side, that's because success is a cruel mistress. The chips will always be stacked against you. The thing of it is, due to our quite ample population, we overcome all odds.

I mean, we walked on the moon and have sent satellites past our known solar system. What other terrestrial species can claim this? None.

The point of all this is that life and (and repeatedly will) give you a solid and swift kick to the proverbial genitals. Suffering, pain, unfathomable tragedy: that's all of the package deal of this existence. It can happen. It will happen. You are not, nor will you ever be immune to it.

So, the real question is not can you get back off the mat after life deals you a solid and low blow. The true quandary is how many times you will rise and rise again.

Because, suffering is inevitable. It's how you scrape yourself off and rise from the ashes is what truly matters.

And no one will ever answer that but you.

The Beauty and The Storm

In my life, I've had setbacks. In my life, I've had both days that didn't work out and days that made zero sense. In my life, I've had the inexplicable hit the fan.

Today was that day.

So, fair warning, I try and sugar coat my life. Even my depression. Especially my depression. But, as things go, that always doesn't work out. And, believe it or not, if you were to meet me in person, I would put on a brave face and pass things off in the best light. It's who I am and it's who I will always be.

Today is not that day.

In this life, if one is fortunate, you will hit a wall. Maybe not once. Okay, never just once, but you will pretend it is. But you will reach a point where you just can't. Where there is no option in your life where you can not, in any way, shape or form, deal with the physical environment around you. Where, in all honesty, reality has fecaled the bed and you just...can't.

The worst part, is the everyone around you is living their life. Doing their own thing as your world dissolves in front of them. Actually, the worst part of all of this is that they (meaning the human populace around you) is 100% oblivious. They neither know nor remotely care. And they have no reason to.

Their life is not yours.

Your life isn't theirs.

Which means, at some point, you've been "that guy" in the middle of Walmart trying on shoes or looking at the back of a DVD while someone near by is sobbing their eyes out. And, not only could you care less, but you know less. You won't care and you have no reason to. You're just doing your thing while their whole world falls apart.

So, to sum things up because it's late: I'm sad. Life has handed me a hard and familiar hand. I hit a point, mentally, where I was squally angry and disappointed by the news that I got this morning.

And I'm not okay.

At all.

I'm mad, in fact. But that is life. Life WILL make you angry. Life WILL make you sad. Life WILL hurt your heart. But, even after you're gone, life WILL move on. And there is zero chance that that will stop.

What happened, happened. That's just how things work. Disappointment is a guarantee. The only thing that isn't is how you react.

Pain is pain. It's as unchanging as the rain that falls and the sun that shines. Growth is not. You don't have to grow. You should, mind you, and believe me, life will force you to. You will be given all and every choice to move on. It may, or may not, be even remotely immediate, but it will be there. That fork in the road will always be there.

I faced a fork today. I faced some honesty painful disappointment today. I got a response that hurt the heart. But, instead of dwelling, I'm growing. Instead of hurting, I'm healing. I'm moving on.

Because, at the end of the day, we have one life to live. And, as deep as the dark gets, I will forever strive for the light.

Say Anything.

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From the show Bojack Horseman.

“Say something I’m giving up on you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you. Anywhere I would have followed you. Say something, I’m giving up on you.” — Say Something by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera 

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There are few greater risks you will attempt in your life than falling in love. To take that one person who was once a stranger and slowly build your life around them. To have that one person who you never knew become the only person who matters truly the most. The one you would lie for. The one you would die for. The one you would uproot your entire life if it meant that you could spend it with them. Especially when you know that there’s a chance, no matter how slim, that it will end. 

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People “fall in love” all the time. And, to be fair, it is like falling. Free falling from a plane. Everything that was once safe is behind you as you plummet towards the unknown. It’s equally frightening and exhilarating. It’s letting go and it’s freeing. In the beginning, you have no control over it. You let the winds of fate blow through your hair and take you on a most unexpected journey. 

That’s the easy part.

When the passion dies like conflagration into a coal, that’s when it becomes real. When the problems that you once gladly swept under the rug (providing that you even saw them in the first place) become more apparent. After the first fight — and then the second, you start to realize that this supposed iron clad bond between the two of you isn’t as strong as you once presumed. When the rose colored glasses start to dim, the reality of it all starts to clear like a fog parting through the mountains. That’s when the true fear sets in. Maybe, just maybe, the two of you aren’t as perfect, after all. When the fiery tornado of new love slowly unwinds into a steady candle of routine — that’s when you discover if it was ever truly real in the first place.

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There reaches a point in every relationship when you question if it’s worth it. You start to wonder if dating (or, if it’s gone that far, marrying) them was a mistake. When the fights become more regular than what you ever anticipated. When you’re sitting on the couch together and don’t speak. When you’re lying in the same bed and you might as well by sleeping next to a stranger. When the calls that would last until three in the morning now barely last ten minutes. When you can’t even remember the last time you told them that you loved them. And you’re not even sure of the last time you felt it. When you stopped kissing. When you stopped touching. When you begin the course of no longer caring.

That’s when you reach the fork in the road. One road is where you start to work on the relationship and pour everything into rebuilding. The other you do nothing and it eventually dies. And no one can make that call except the two of you. And even then, there’s no 100% guarantee that it will work.

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The problem with the past is that everyone has one. Everyone has been hurt at least once. Everyone has that ex that makes you question everything. Including your sanity. Which leads to emotional baggage. The problem with this, emotional baggage, is that if left unchecked, it tends to build. Like a weed, it starts to overgrow into your new relationships; eventually smothering them. If left unchecked, one bad relationship will poison all the ones that follow. Even the greatest built ship will eventually meet an iceberg if you don’t change course.  

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The last part of this post is the hardest. There are scant few things that you will endure that are harder than the end of a relationship. When the person you cherished with all your heart becomes the person you no longer recognize. When the one that you love is the one that you have to say goodbye. When you have to let go of the one who once mattered the most. Through all the tears and all the pain. When all that you hold dear finally comes to a close. There are few things harder than that. 

We mourn. We weep. A little bit of us dies inside. But, through this catastrophe is a chance to grow. A chance to learn. A chance to become whole once more. Is it easy? No. If anything, it’s the furthest from easy you will ever get. Is it necessary? Yes. Because eventually the shards and shadows of your past loves will eventually fade away. All that will be left are the lessons that you have a choice to either learn or lose. 

These scars you have. They can either cripple you or change you. Cupid’s arrows will always be bittersweet. It’s up to you of what to do once you’ve been stung.

The Monster Inside.

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“Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” — Neil Gaiman

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Today is a good day. I woke up with relatively little physical pain — but more importantly, my head was in a good place. That doesn’t always happen. Some days it can be hell to just to get out of bed. I got lucky. Today wasn’t that day.

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I’m pretty blunt when it comes to my continual battle with depression. I don’t pretend that I don’t have it or hold on to the illusion that it will eventually go away. It’s hereditary, literally a part of who I am; so instead of even bothering to try and sweep it under the rug, I pull it out and expose it the daylight. I want to lead by example that you can still have a pretty normal life while dealing with the demons inside. If nothing more than it keeps that dark voice at bay.

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I’m here today to tell you that depression is a liar. I’m here today to tell you that you are good enough. I’m here today to tell you that there are people out there who do love you and that you are not alone. I’m here today to tell you that all is not lost. 

I’m here to tell you that the voice inside is wrong.

I’m also here today because I have been told that I am alone, no one loves me, that I will never be good enough and that my life is meaningless. And I fought back. I fight back. Because, while most of my days are good days, there are still days that are hell. There are days when the monster inside rears its ugly head and takes hold. Sometimes there’s a trigger — but not always. There are days when everything is going fantastic and I struggle so hard to keep my head above the mental dark waters. 

The worst part about this is that the darkness inside doesn’t need an excuse to try and destroy you. The monster lurks in the shadows. Always waiting.

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I’m also here today to tell you that having depression doesn’t make you weak — it makes you strong. Having depression puts you in the same boat as Winston Churchill. Robin Williams. Mark Twain. Edgar Allen Poe. Charles Dickens. Stephen Fry. Ernest Hemingway. Abraham Lincoln. Calvin Coolidge. Michelangelo. Isaac Newton. J. Robert Oppenheimer. William Faulkner. Edgar Degas. Hans Christian Anderson.T.S. Eliot. Kurt Cobain. Kurt Vonnegut. Jackson Pollock. Akira Kurosawa.

I am a fighter and so are you. And in this fight you are not alone. Ever.

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Embrace the good days. They are more frequent than you realize. Know that even when the battle is at its worst, it still doesn’t have to be a losing one. Know that no matter how right it feels to give up, it’s not. Know that, while not everyone wins the battle, the only one who truly makes that decision is you. You are not alone and your story doesn’t have to end here.

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You can survive this. I make the choice to live. So can you. One day at a time.

Walls.

As today is Valentine’s Day, I have a bit of a confession to make: I love behind walls. 

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There are two sides of my coin when it comes to the topic of love. I equally describe myself as an eternal bachelor and a hopeless romantic. Both, for the record, are true. I choose not to date. I am fully capable of falling fully into love. While these seem to be polar opposites, they actually are parallel realities. Such is the lifestyle of those like me — those who know full well how poisonous the arrows of Cupid can be. 

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You see, I’ve been burned. Hard. More than once. To the point where now, if I start having feelings for someone, I pull away. I do not trust the judgements of my heart. I cannot trust the judgements of my heart. It has lead me to earth shattering agony that I do not wish to ever relive. So I love behind walls. 

They say that there’s no such thing as love without risk — and they are right. But I’ve reached a point where I’m so unsure if I have the proverbial parachute that I stay on the plane that is going down. I don’t trust the life boat so I remain on the Titanic. 

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Do I get lonely? Oh, yes. Not often. In fact, it’s pretty rare when it happens. But when it does, it hits hard. Like a sledgehammer to the chest. I feel an emptiness that breaks me. These are the rare moments that I cry. I mourn the happiness I once had. I mourn the loss of having someone I cared so deeply for. I mourn the heart I once had — one that was a raging inferno of passion that turned into nothing more than a charred coal of memories. As much as I so desperately want to ignite that light, I’m afraid the winds of change will only snuff it out again and I will be right back to where I am now. 

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Do I want to love again? Yes. I miss having conversations that last until 3 AM. I miss having inside jokes with someone. I miss watching television with someone and the only thing that mattered was that I was with them. I miss having someone to write poetry about. I miss seeing a text from someone and breaking into a giant uncontrollabe smile. I miss being giddy. I still want to have that special someone. I still want to slow dance with my bride on our special day. I still want to grow old with someone who wants to grow old with me. 

But, until I let down my barriers and take that chance again, I’m going to remain exactly where I am now: 

Alone.

Not Going That Way.

Mistakes were made”. If ever there was a phrase that summed up the whole of human existence, it’s this. For all of our brilliant mental capacities that lead to endless discoveries and advances — we are as far from perfect as you can get. To err is indeed human; and about as human as you can get. So, make no bones about it, mistakes were, indeed, made.

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It’s almost comical that there seems to be a universal pursuit of perfection. We strive for the one thing that we know that we will never achieve to the point where even our own subconscious denies how fallible we are to ourselves. Now, don’t get me wrong — we notice mistakes made by others. We recognize them almost as soon as they happen. If one is astute enough, they may even see an error of judgement moments before it even occurs. But when it comes to reflection of self, we are usually blind to just how fallible we truly are.

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That’s not what this is about, though. There’s a quote by an unknown source that goes “Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.” You see, one thing that our particular species obsesses about is the past. Specifically our own. We use previous experiences as a litmus test to what our futures will be. We look behind in order to look ahead. We also use our own past experiences and the supposed wisdom that we have gained from it to bestow upon others advice. Even if it is in the form of “I screwed up this way, don’t follow in my footsteps”. And, let’s be honest, we base this on what our recollection of these events were. So, the longer you live, the further back your memories go. To the point where even those who suffer from Alzheimers still have the ability to remember things that happened to them when they were young.

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So, what’s the true purpose of this post? Mistakes were made. By you. By me. By everyone. The path of the past is behind you. The further you go along, the further you have a chance to leave them all behind. To start frest. To begin again. The future only comes to those who truly focus on what is ahead of them. Forgiveness only comes from those who are willing to let the journey of their lives leave a sliver of their past behind. If you ever want to move on, just let go and keep walking. No matter how hard it really, truly is. But, and the end of the day, never forget this:

“Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.”