Breaking Through The Clouds

I had a bit of a occupational setback today. I won't go into details, but the second job I just got might not work out. I'll leave it at that.

I'm not going to lie - I'm pretty bummed about this. In fact, I was at my normal job when the tendrils of depression started to sink in. But, before they could really take hold, a voice told me something I needed to hear: "You're stronger than this."

I am. I've struggled with depression; but I'm stronger than it. As many times as I've felt utterly and completely defeated, I'm not. As my dear friend Chris has reminded me in the past, I've overcome so much more than my brain tells me that I have.

Everyone has setbacks. That's life. Everyone struggles from time to time. It is what it is. But, you're bigger than that. Stronger than that. It might not feel like it. I can attest that it definitely doesn't feel that way; but you are. So, instead of accepting defeat, shortcomings, depression, and the dark thoughts in the night - prove to them just how wrong they are.

Because, in the end, you are your own worst enemy. But you can also be your own best friend.

Ground Control To Major Tom

Fate is a funny term. We get all wrapped up in what we suppose is our destiny without taking into accord our day-to-day existence. We think there's this grandiose plan that will...just happen; and suddenly our lives will be complete and make sense. Which, let me assure you, couldn't be further from the truth. I'm not saying that fate doesn't exist - I'm just letting you know from full experience it doesn't exactly happen over night. And there's a lucky 1% of the population that knows what their fate is. Everyone is, quite honestly, grasping at straws. At best.

I titled this post after the David Bowie song Space Oddity for a reason. There's a film out there call The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. It came out in 2013 and stars Ben Stiller (in a very serious role) and Kristen Wiig. This is also probably one of my favorite films of the last five years. The whole premise is about a guy who works at Life magazine who basically doesn't have a life of his own and has this...situation (if you will) which forces him out of his shell and makes him see the world. Wikipedia calls it a "romantic comedy-drama adventure fantasy film"; which I think is an appropriate label for it. Any way, throughout the film, the song Space Oddity by the recently departed David Bowie plays in the background. I won't tell you anything further about the film because I want you to see it. I promise you it's incredibly uplifting.

There's another film along the same vein called Stranger Than Fiction (which is another one of my favorite films). This one came out in 2006 and stars Will Ferrell (in a serious role - that he nails), Emma Thompson, and Dustin Hoffman. IMDb described it as "An IRS auditor suddenly finds himself the subject of a narration that only he can hear: narration that begins to affect his entire life, from his work, to his love-interest, to his death." The last part is both crucial and doesn't really give anything away. But, as with Secret Life, I don't want to go into any more detail because I feel you should watch both.

Both films touch on the theme of main characters who are (somewhat) blissfully going about their lives until there's an external extenuating circumstance that forces them to take chances and changes their lives for the better. Basically, life forces them to start living. Neither one breaks out of their shell easily - which is rather realistic. People don't handle change well. Humans would much rather dwell within their cocoon of perceived reality without much variation to their daily existence. Enough to keep things interesting, but that's about it. And somehow, some way, fate magically just happens and we die fulfilled. That's not living, though. Not by a long shot. We're supposed to take leaps of faith. We're supposed to step out of our comfort zones. We're supposed to take chances - especially the ones we don't have a remote clue in the outcome of. That's how we grow as people. That's how we truly learn who we are and why we're here. Faith is built on the unknown and undiscovered. We're not meant to crawl to our graves - we're suppose to soar to great heights before reaching them. And the only way that can happen is if we let go and just trust that things will work out.

Robin Sharma once stated "Don't live the same year 75 times in a row and call it a life." I'm going to take it a step further and say "Don't live the same 365 days in a row and call it a year." You don't have to do one thing every day that scares you; but you do have to do at least one thing every day that is different. And, seriously, go out and live!! We're promised one life - why waste it?

You Remind Me Of The Babe...

In 1986, there was a film released by the name of the Labyrinth. It starred a then unknown actress by the name of Jennifer Connelly, the fantastic puppetry of Jim Henson and a prolific singer and actor. That artist was David Bowie.

Now, this particular film holds a special place in my heart. I have seen it hundreds of times (probably to the lament of my parents growing up). I can quote it and sing along to it every time I watch it. It never gets stale for me and I appreciate the complex love story the more that I watch it. When he sings at the end, completely exhausted by continually bending over backwards for Sarah, the words "I move the stars for no one"; you truly believe that, in his mind, everything he did, he did for her. Especially when you take into consideration the song "As The World Falls Down" that occurs earlier in the film.

One thing that Labyrinth taught me was that even villains aren't black and white. While fairy tales are filled with Prince Charmings and helpless princesses, this film had a strong female main character who stands up to the one who stole her baby brother and vanquishes him without the help of a male coming in to save the day. And that nemesis of hers is secretly in love with her; and the only reason he stole the baby was that it was she who requested it in the first place. Every character is flawed and three dimensional. They also have their own motives for doing things (which is rare in cinema). And, the most important lesson of the film is to keep your perseverance through all of the storms that life throws at you.

In case you haven't heard, David Bowie passed away yesterday. He was only 69 years and had been battling cancer for 18 months. His career spanned decades; and while he was unbelievably talented in his own right, he also worked with other prolific artists - such as Bing Crosby, Queen, and the aforementioned Jim Henson. And he complimented those that he worked with; not letting his ego overshadow them and try and one up them.

So, rest in peace, Ziggy Stardust. You have earned it.

I Will Follow You Into The Dark.

One of the sweetest songs I have ever heard is "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie. Now, while most of people think of the song as about death (with an atheist overtone); it's actually about the long journey of love. The true marathon of marriage and what it means to have a partner that you want to spend the rest of your life with. And all that entails.

You see, we all romanticize love as this passionate thing. A conflagration of passion and emotion. The great fire between two individuals that burns ever hot. What isn't considered is the quiet times. The boring times.  Times when you don't really have much to talk about - even though you're spending the rest of your days together. When mundane existence is the most prevalent then in your love's story. When the days of wedding bliss transform into a marital monotony, we begin to question if we have made the right decision. Or if it was "worth it". Those doubts are normal - but the real question is this: Will the person I have agreed to spend the rest of my life with suffer when I pass on?

You see, the biggest clause in any lifelong partnership is the inevitable demise of the person you're spending the rest of your life with. With life long coupling comes the death of one of you. Which is why the one thing I am looking for in my mate is will she stay long enough to be my widow. Will my death break her heart into a thousand pieces; or will be be one more fragment in her life's story? Truth be told, if I had any qualifying question, it would be that.

I am loyal. It's just who I am. If I love you and we are truly a couple - there isn't a force that will keep me from you. I will heaven and earth just to spend the day with you. But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will not live forever. I already know that if I were to marry, she would outlast me. Out live me. There will be a day that will pass when I am with you no longer and even I do not have any charge over that. But, in the strange off chance of life's weird winding road that she were to pass before I; then, yes, I would follow her into the dark.

I have spent too much of this life alone. I know of the quiet solitudes of the night. To not share a bed with someone. To not have someone be an centrical  part of my life. But, once that ends - once someone else joins me in that journey towards forever, I know I will never be the same. That bond, that partnership, will be with me until the end of my days. Even through the boring passage of everyday existence.

"You got to spend some time, love. You got to spend some time, with me. I know that you will find, love. I will possess your heart." was one of the opening line of another one of Death Cab's songs ("I Will Possess Your Heart"). Again, it harkens to the opening lines of any relationship. The yearning and desire to spend every moment with the one person who makes you feel the most alive. When the sheer moment of a thought of the individual makes you smile uncontrollably. They call it the "honeymoon phase" and there was one notable Hollywood marriage (Bob and Dolores Hope) proves that even though some marriages last for well over 50 years doesn't mean that they don't remain inseparable. Yet, the best analogy of marriage is the feeling of taking your boots off after spending the day of them. The sheer relief and lack of heaviness that washes over you. That person who still makes you smile and chuckle after spending decades with them. And the one, that one, who will be shaken to the core by your death. That's truly what love is.

This may seem like rambling, but it's something that's been on my heart and in my mind lately. I'm about to have a pretty important birthday (next Wednesday, on the 13th), and I've had far too many of those by myself. Friends sure. Family sure. But a partner... not so much. There's a longing far stronger than I'm willing to admit. Home is not a physical place, but a person you spend it with. And that, my dearest friends. is what I long for the most.

So This Is The New Year...

It's barely into 2016 and I can already tell it's going to be a big year. This is going to be the year where all of the turbulent changes of the previous two turn into something amazing. Truly phenomenal. Because, the biggest change that began this year is me.

I'm not perfect. If there's anything I'm vocal about, it's that. But that doesn't mean that I'm not striving to be a better person. I try and make that a daily goal of mine. Some days are a success. Others, not so much. However, we learn more from our defeats and shortcomings than we ever do from our successes and accomplishments. To err is human; and the ability to grow from this is also human.

We are a rose in the concrete jungle of life. The soil and water might not be the best, the lack of sunlight might be more prevalent; but to grow in spite of this is what defines success and failure.

What makes this year so different than the previous two is I'm shedding the shroud of self-defeat. Have I suffered? Greatly. Have I been shortchanged by circumstances? Of course. But I'm seizing control of what I do have control over and starting from there. Accept my supposed limitations. Accept my faults. Hold myself accountable for my actions and how they affect others. That's step one.

Step two is going to be writing. No excuses. I've become aware of how I let myself become distracted from my purpose and that is truly unacceptable. I have two novels in the works and by the end of the year, I will have finished both. Even if it means taking a year off from NaNoWriMo.

I'm rebuilding relationships and friendships this year. Over the course of last year, I began to realize that I had been taking certain friendships not as seriously as I should. That's on me. Even though it was unintended, I am nevertheless at fault. I will also do what I can to rebuild a friendship with a certain individual that I truly care about. Trust can only be rebuilt by proving one can be trusted. Friendship (and all relationships) is built upon being there for each other and not taking advantage of one another. We're all guilty of this. Including myself. The object now is to rebuild from the ashes. If she'll even let me.

This is also going to be the year where I start being selfish. What I mean by that is that I truly am kind to a fault and put others needs before my own. I've always been a "giver" (which won't change), but this year I'm going to be focusing on me and getting me back to where I should be. Health wise, relationship wise finance wise, and occupation wise. This past year showed me that those are the four main things I need to work on. The latter two will be easier than the first two. I need to start taking care of myself so I can continue to take care of others. An empty bucket provides no water.

Finally, to end on a non serious note: This is the year I start having fun again. Hiking, camping, reading,  spending more time in the moment than on my phone. Travel. I will travel this year. It's been too long. This will be the year where I bring laughter back into my life. To once again take advantage of the blissful serenity of doing nothing. Take more photos, too. Even if it's just with my phone.

So, yes, 2016 will be a big year. But only if I allow it to be. After all, at the true heart of any successful resolution is carpe diem (not "new year, new me"). Change only occurs if we first seize each opportunity and make it our own.

The Gift of Giving

Happiness is a choice. Take it from someone who lives with depression that happiness is a choice. It might not be an easy choice, but it is one, nonetheless.

We, as a species, have developed strange concepts of what will bring us joy. We think that the more things we obtain, the more content with our lives we will be. Yet, people who's lives are consumed with the collection of things (I'm referencing hoarders) are some of the most miserable and dissatisfied people you will know. We assume that he who dies with the most toys wins; when that could not be further from the truth. It all lies in the experiences we have in the brief span that we spend on this planet - and the people we spend it with.

It truly is as simple as that.

This particular musing is sparked with the fact that I'm once again working retail during the holiday season. Work is rather chaotic at times and people collectively have much shorter fuses than they usually do. With Christmas being at the end of this week, there is an air of complete desperation in everyone that you come in contact with. Humans generally don't handle the rapid end of deadlines well and this is a big one. Yet, it's all in the pursuit of making others happy. Which, you would think would bring us joy in the act of giving; but we place so much importance on the items that we are acquiring that we forget about the whole reason of why we are doing it.

I've discovered that the older I get (and, really, I'm not that old), the less importance I have on acquiring things. Partially it has to do with how much I have moved in my adult life; but mainly it's because I have discovered that I get far more pleasure being with people than I do acquiring things. I'm filling my life with experiences, not stuff. And I am much more content in my life this way.

Something else that brings me joy is doing things for others. Taking care of people and their happiness. I am giving, sometimes to a fault, because I know exactly what it is like to go without. To be short changed by circumstances. So, if I'm in a place where I can help others, I will. I get fulfillment out of building others up, not tearing them down. And knowing that I gave what I could to ensure that their needs have been met.

Which is also why I treasure most those who do the same for me. Life is all about balance; so if I'm giving my all and getting nothing in return, I burn out and become resentful. As the saying goes, you cannot pour from an empty bucket.

Each person's journey is unique to themselves; as is what brings them the most satisfaction in life. Yet, collectively, when we reach our end, the only thing that matters most to ourselves (and those that we know), is how we treat one another. People think of their loved ones, not their bank accounts, on their death beds. They think of the things they wish they had done - not the things they wish they had bought.

So keep that in mind as the holiday season draws to a close. The one thing that your loved ones what most of is you.

Drawing To A Close

The beautiful thing about the past is that we can move forward from it. We can use the lessons that our mistakes teach us as a stepping stone to a better future. And we can use the pain of previous events to allow us to grow in full new directions.

As I'm writing this, it is almost three in the morning of December 13th. It is 12 days until Christmas and 18 days until New Year's Eve. Which means that 2015 is rapidly drawing to a close. This, as I have spoken about many times previously, has been a drastically difficult year for me. Health wise. Occupation wise. Relationship (both with friends and family) wise. Financial wise. I have been reminded of my own mortality. I have been shown time and time again that nothing is permanent. I have learned that not every opportunity that seems to be impeccable on paper is meant to be. But with every tribulation and trial, there has been room for me to grow and mature. I'm not as wise as I previously thought I was, but I do know that I am wiser than I previously have been. And, while I have suffered much, I have also developed equally so.

A very recent development with me is that I am now once again speaking with someone that I care deeply about. I won't go into details, but there was an incident last year in which I had my feelings hurt; and in turn, I hurt hers. She and I haven't spoken since; until very recently. And, while she hasn't outwardly said it, I know that she no longer trusts me. She has every right not to. And I know that the only way I can ever gain that trust back is to slowly rebuild it. There is also a massive body of water separating us now; which is honestly for the best. I cannot see her with any sort of frequency any more. There will be full weeks where we will not meet. Which is a polar opposite from before, when I would see her at least once a week. It also means that when I do see her, it's because I have traveled hours out of my way just to see her. Even if it is for only five minutes at a time.

I am an entirely different person than I was this time last year. Living in the shadowed wasteland of the city you have considered to be your home town does something to you. The place where you have grown most of your roots is rapidly rotting to the core. I spent much, if not all of last year in a constant shroud of deep-seated depression. The same goes for this year. In fact, it wasn't until I finally fully transitioned over here that the veil of suffering began to lift. Sure, I have had some setbacks (to put it mildly) since moving here; but I am overall significantly more happy than I have been in some time. More content with how things are. It helps also that I am back in the bookstore environment and working with an amazing team. I'm slowly beginning to make friends over here, as well. That alone has been more difficult; since free time has now become a premium.

There is another change that is happening. One of my best friends has been posting Buddhist stories and proverbs. The main focus of them is accepting circumstances just as they are. We human (and I am most definitely guilty of this) drive ourselves mad trying to find the "meaning of life" and all the events that happen within it. Yet, some times, things just are the way they are. Some things happen and we are not meant to know the meaning of them; if there is any at all. So, the teachings coupled with the slower pace of life and I am finally starting to find the calm I need. The serenity of the ordinary. I can actually be in the moment now and embrace it for what it is. And I am fully beginning to understand "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."

I do not know what 2016 has in store for me - but I'm okay with that. I do know that it will be a year of writing. I have this year's NaNoWriMo project that I'm going to actually turn into a novel. The same goes for last year's NaNoWriMo project. I'm also going to be outlining and beginning a young adult fantasy series. Seven books in that is the goal. And, before the closure of next year, I will have my memoir not only written, but hopefully published. That particular project I will be pulling much from this blog; as well as the previous major blog that I have written. Plus other topics that I have yet to touch on. I am also hoping to do some traveling next year. It has been far too long and my wanderlust gnaws at me daily.

In closing, I have one thing I wish my readers to do: let go. Life is too short for grudges. Life is too short to stay chained to the past. Life is too short to limit yourself to conceived notions of perfection. Let go and start living. Because none of us truly know how much time we actually have left.