Old Ways Do Not Open New Doors

So, disclaimer time: This post is mainly me writing to me. It's going to be a way of touching on things that have burdened me down. So if it's sounds equally scatterbrained and preachy-that's why.

So, there were two quotes that I read months ago; and some advice I got from some hot sauce (believe it or not) recently that I need to put out there to the world. At the end of the post, I'll post post the pictures of all three, for visual effect.

I'll start with the first one: "Old ways do not open new doors." Let that one sink in for a moment. Old ways, may it be your past, bad habits, addictions, whatever they may be, do not open new doors. What has happened has happened and what's done is done. Period. That's it. You cannot change the past and you cannot fix what has already been sealed with the sands of time. Old ways do not open new doors and the things of your past are holding you back from a beautiful future. Why? Because that's what happens when you keeping holding on to something you should have let go of and moved on from. And the longer you hold on to things that are dead and gone, the longer it takes for opportunity to actually show its face. By holding on to your past, you are denying yourself a future.

The second quote is this: "Fear is a mind killer." Again, this much you know is true. But what it really boils down to is what are you really afraid of? Fear of success is often the disguise of fear of failure and vice versa. Also fear of the future is actually the result of the fears of the past. Are you going to continue holding yourself by what happened or are you going to forgive yourself and move on with your life? Because, in full honestly, the only thing holding you back is you. And why are you letting yourself do that? You're better than that and you know it.

Now, finally, the advice from the hot sauce. It's a two-parter: "If you never do, you'll never know" and "You have chosen wisely." Listen to your intuition. Listen to God. Listen to your friends and family. And then go forth and make it happen. Because, as the saying goes "Faith without works is dead." If you never take that risk, you will never have that reward.

What has brought you joy today?

Yesterday one of my Facebook friends had a status update that grabbed my attention. She opened with "What has brought you joy today?" She then proceeded to say what had brought a little sliver of happiness into her life and friends of hers commented with what had brought them joy for that day. What struck me so was not what she had happen to bring about happiness in her life, but the question itself.

"What has brought you joy today?" Think about this one question. In all the chaos and negitivity that we surround ourselves with on a daily basis, this simple question is anything but. It allows us to pause and reflect, not on what's wrong with the world, but what simple (or not so simple) things bring about a bit of bliss in our lives. The best thing about this question is that each day is different, so the answer will be different for each day.

So, my dear readers, let me post the question to you: What has brought you joy today?

The Ever-Present Darkness

So, just in case you haven't heard the news, Robin Williams passed away yesterday, and the cause of death is suicide. The latest I've read is that he strangled himself with a belt and had self inflicted superficial cuts on his arms just before his took his life. His passing hits me pretty hard, for multiple reasons.

My first introduction to him was with Hook and Aladdin. Both movies I saw in the theaters when I was a child. In both roles, he was a loving father figure who did everything within his power for his children (including the adopted children like the Lost Boys and Aladdin). There was a deep, sincere love that penetrated through the screen and hit directly to the heart. I would later see him do this in so many other roles. The one that hits just as close to home with me as Hook is Good Will Hunting.

My dad passed away in late October of 2003. A month or so afterwards, I was home sick from work and was laying on the couch watching Good Will Hunting for the very first time. If you haven't seen the movie, he plays a professor at a Boston college who becomes a mentor for the troubled main character, Will Hunting. Not only just a mentor, but a father figure to a youth who happens to be an orphan. There was a part in the movie where both Will (played by Matt Damon) and Robin Williams' characters are having a heart-to-heart and he (Williams) says. "It's okay."

I lost it. Right then and there. Tears flooded my face and it felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. Here I was, having just lost my dad, and the father figure is saying it's okay to grieve. It's okay to mourn. It's okay to hurt. It felt like my dad was saying to me that he loved me and it was okay for all of this pain to let out. I cried and I cried hard. Missing him and now being told that that was okay. From that point forward, Good Will Hunting became one of my favorite movies and Robin Williams one of my favorite actors.

Later in life, I learned that this man of happiness was actually a man suffering from deep depression. While he always had that big smile and infectious laugh of his, there was an impenetrable sadness in his eyes-ever present. He became a bit of a role model to me, who also suffers from depression (and has since as long as I can remember). He used his internal torment and turned it into a way to bring joy into the lives of others. That became a new goal for my life and one I am ever striving for. He was also very active in charities (the USO and St. Jude's Hospital are two that immediately come to mind) and genuinely cared for the human race. Strived to make the world a better place in any way that he could. I read an article last night about a girl who was an extra in one of his films who's golf bag had ripped and she had to carry it herself. He was the only one who offered to help and carried her bag for her. He took her suffering and made it his own. That was the kind of guy that he was.

I was talking with my friend Tori last night about how so many comedians out there suffer from deep depression. She though it was ironic, but I have a different view on it. We seek things outside ourselves that we cannot find within ourselves. Nourishment, not only for the body, but for the mind and soul as well. Depression is a cancer of the spirit. Sure, there's good days and bad days (even, at times, it's int remission), but it is always there, draining the life out of those who have it. So those who have deep depression, who cannot find joy within themselves, seek out and strive to create it in others. There is much power in the laughter of others, and if you can bring someone else the happiness they need, you, even for that brief moment, find the peace you so desperately need.

The world mourns his loss, and I feel it is appropriately so. He wasn't just a good actor, he was a good man and a good person. In the end, the depression he battled with for so long finally took its final toll on him. We may never know why, but we can use him as an example of someone who tamed the ever-present darkness. 

If you are struggling with depression and are experiencing suicidal thoughts, I strongly encourage you to reach out. Talk to a friend, a family member, anyone. It's not a "cry for help", it's a call to action. You're not weak for feeling this way and you are not alone. You are never alone. If you cannot reach out to someone you know, call the Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. They are waiting for your call, right now, and will do anything in their power to help you through this. They are here for you. You are not alone.

The Need to Simplify

Now, this will come as no surprise to, well, everyone I know, but I have a horrid habit of over-complicating my life. I do. The worst part is that 99% of the time, I have no idea that I'm doing it until I'm well in the midst of it. Or, really, until after the fact. It's what I do and it's always how I've been, unfortunately. It is what it is, and if I could change one thing about myself, that would be it. And if I were to ask friends, family, and those who genuinely love and care about me, they would concur wholeheartedly that this is the number one thing that needs to change about me.

Now, before you roll your eyes, this is not a "woe is me" post. This is, in fact, just the opposite, and may even be my most pragmatic post to date. I fully acknowledge my faults and I make a genuine effort to correct myself and grow as a person (to the best of my ability and as much as I allow myself to, anyway). I carry no illusion of perfection, nor will I ever. However, that also means that I have much potential and room to grow as a person, which is something I am ever-striving for.

Before I continue, let me share some quotes with you: "Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose." - President Lynden B. Johnson. "Tomorrow is the most important thing. Comes to us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday." - John Wayne. "I can't go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then." - Lewis Carroll. "I am better than I was yesterday, but not as good as I will be tomorrow." - Anonymous. "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. For each day has enough trouble of its own." - Jesus (Matthew 6:24). The core of these quotes is that most of what we worry most about is truly beyond our control and we fill our lives with unneeded stress in changing the uncontrollable. What we (very much including myself in this) should focus instead on, is making the most out of opportunity when it presents itself and let the course of life be shaped from these seized opportunities. "Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength." -Corrie Ten Boom.

Now, what does this mean to me? Now is the time for me to simplify and prioritize my life. Clean house: physically, mentally, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. My professional life is on the verge of becoming a huge time consumer, so I need to focus on simplifying and structuring my life around that. Focus on what truly matters and leave out all the rest. My friends (the true ones) have supported me through this journey and will continue to do so. My family...well, hopefully they will also support me, as well. What is most important is that I grow into the best person I can be and keep striving to be even better than that. Not in a pursuit of perfection, but in a pursuit of inner peace. Which is something I need most in my life.

Now, what does it mean for you, dear reader? It means, more writing! No, seriously. Blogging helps me get out what is currently taking up way too much head space and this coming November I will be once again taking a stab at NaNoWriMo. I need to write and much of the chaos that I go through can be circumvented with me putting words to paper (or, on screen, if you will). Even though I was born to write, it does have a bad habit of taking back seat to the rest of my life; and that is one of my top priorities to change imminently.

So there you have it. Thank you, once again, for taking time out of your life to glimpse into mine. It means much to me that this blog is even glanced at. Take care of yourselves and you will hear from me soon.