The Missing Piece

So, two things before I begin: Number one, even though I have had a very long and very busy weekend, my brain won't shut off and let me sleep. It's currently 3:30 in the morning, my body is weary and sore, but my brain is going a thousand miles an hour. This, unfortunately, is very common with me. C'est la vie.

The other thing, and this is entirely unrelated to anything, but my favorite movie about being a writer is Stranger Than Fiction. I won't call it a romantic comedy (it is, though), solely on the basis that the vast majority of rom coms are utter crap. I highly recommend this one, though. It is also, by far, my favorite Will Ferrell film; and he's in a role that you would not expect him to be in. Trust me and check it out.

I was speaking with a fellow writer this weekend (who's name escapes me at the moment) and I asked him what his secret was to writing a novel. He had just released his second book in a nine book series; so if anyone is going to know, it's him. He let out a sigh and and said "really, you just have to sit down and write". I told him that that was essentially what New York Times bestselling author Patrick Rothfuss had told me and he nodded his head in agreement. There isn't a "magical formula" other that putting words on paper. He told me that doing outlines is completely unneeded (which I very vocally agreed) because, without them, the story flows and the characters are natural. I told him that I have no issue writing short stories, but I still have yet to turn anything into a full length novel. He said once you get over that mental block, it just happens.

That was the light bulb moment for me. It's not that I CAN'T write a novel-I just have a mental block on actually doing so. My mindset is on short fiction and poetry; not novels. Once I "allow" myself that ability, it will just happen naturally.

Now, for the record, never have I doubted that I could do it. This is my third blog, and it already has 70+ posts to it. Words flow out of me like an ever rambling stream. Although, as I was telling my friend Chris the other day, I'm never going to write a memoir, so my blog is pretty much that. I'm not sure if it counts as cheating, but whatever.

So, I'm going to take a stab at it. I'm not sure if I'll wait until NaNoWriMo or if I'll just do it on my own time so I don't rush it. Either way, I'm going to write a book this year. By hook or by crook.

Never Give In, Never Surrender

"We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard..." John F. Kennedy

The hard times in our lives either break us or define us. There's no middle ground in the matter. This world can, and often does, try to drag us down into the depths of complete despair.  Through natural disasters or man-made ones. Through life events that hit like a tornado on a calm Tuesday. Through even just the constant drudgery of daily living. It is the hard times like these that can either destroy you or define you.

I live with depression; and have for as long as I can remember. There have been days, many of them, when even the sheer act of getting out of bed is a task that feels impossible. When your entire body aches with despondence. Well all looks and feels lost; and even the slightest set back is a monumental defeat. But I still get up. I still pull myself out of bed each day and face the world. I do what I can to fix the brokenness inside me-mainly with copious amounts of caffeine. I do this because giving up and giving in is too easy. I do this because I would rather go to the moon than feel like I'm trapped to the earth. 

I have also had some monumental set backs in my life. It hasn't been smooth sailing by any means. Yet I tackle those setbacks the same way I tackle my depression. When work became scarce in 2011, I up and moved to Texas to better my life. When I moved back for a supposed promised position and it fell through, I looked for other work instead. Even now, when work has become a burden and money has become extremely tight, I applied to a myriad of companies and put my resume on many job sites. The result of this was that I had two separate interviews yesterday and a third recruiter left a message on my phone. A few days prior to that I had another interview with another company. 

I don't like the thought of fate defining who you are. Life is a noun, but it should be lived as a verb. When the going gets tough, the tough do what they can to fix it or change it. Even when times are good, you do what you can to make them better. Never let internal defeat stop you from aiming for an external victory.

So, go forth. Live. And never give in and never surrender.

The Phantom You Once Knew

My brain is taking its sweet time shutting down tonight, so I do believe another blog post is in order; so as to expedite the process. I have decided to make this post about something I do deliberately (for the most part, anyway). And that is: disappear.

I am a ghost. At least I am some of the time. When life is proving to be more complicated than it truly needs to be and when I am starting to feel suffocated by the entire of the human race, I disappear. Vanish. Drop off the face of the earth to, well, recharge and regroup. To breathe again, at least for a little bit. I slip away, mostly without warning or notice, and return when I can be human once again.

A while back, I read an article about outgoing introverts. While this sounds like a complete contradiction in terms, it described me quite well. Even things I didn't even notice about myself until reading the article. One of the things was the need to slip away after being surrounded by people for an extended period of time. To seek out isolation from time to time is, evidently, not a trait that everyone possesses.

Now, the issue with this is that it causes concern from others. They worry that something is amiss (which I will fully admit has been a leading cause in the past) and that my disappearing is unhealthy. A sign that my depression is getting the better of me. I don't fault them for their concern; and I do admit that it is a major reason why I have slipped away in the past, but my disappearance is never a bad thing. I "escape" (if you will) so that I can collect my thoughts be stabilize my mental and emotional state. So, if anything, my random travels are a good thing.

There is another aspect of this. When I "ghost myself": meaning completely stop going somewhere or disappear out of someone's life suddenly and entirely. I have been known to do this, but it is a rare occurrence and always due cause. It is a defense mechanism solely used to escape a situation that is proving to be harmful and that is the only way to end it. When I do it to an individual, it is not out of spite or anger. It is not an act of revenge. It is simply that the situation between myself and the other individual has taken a dramatic turn for the worse. And, yes, I fully admit that I have dropped out of someone's life because I was the one who was the negative entity. By removing myself from the situation and that person's life, they are able to move on, heal, and ultimately grow from my absence.

Let This Quote Sink In...

The Lateness of the Hour

For as long as I can remember, I've always been a night owl. There's something about the absolute serenity when the rest of the human race has turned in for the night that brings me peace. I even have a "magical period", which in between 11pm and 3am. This is when a day is truly ending and the world is entering a period of slumber. This is also when I, if the opportunity is there any way, step outside and wander.

For the record, I don't meditate in the traditional sense. I can't sit still long enough and I can't shut my brain off. Meditation, for me, is in the form of walking. At most, I pick a direction and see where it takes me; but most of the time, I wander off and just let my feet take over while my brain does its best to sort itself out. I talk to myself, mostly, or I talk to God about the big stuff that's going on in my life or rattling around in my brain. Or I'll just stroll and listen to the symphony of the night. Sometimes, actually most of the time, this is when I am most at peace with everything. Stress melts away during my "magic period" and I am most able to...just be.

As I am typing this, it is 1:23 in the morning. I got off work an hour and a half ago and I'm just soaking in the silence before both my brain and body decide it's time to rest. I felt the nudge to blog, so I am. I might step back outside and wander a bit. Not sure. That's the other beauty about this time. Life is completely free and completely open to possibility. I don't have to go anywhere or do anything. Nothing is expected of me and my slate (during this time period each night) is entirely clean. Also, might I add, this is when I do a good chunk of my blogging. It's when the words flow best for me.

Now, this blog post might sound entirely arbitrary. It is. I felt the prompt to write, so I am. I'm hoping there's big news on the horizon, but everything, right now at least, is in a bit of a holding pattern. I also realized something tonight: I'm at peace with how things are. It's not good, it's not bad, it's just...life. I honestly don't have much control over the current state of things; but what I do have control over, I have maximized to the best of my ability.

Speaking of which, I think that's how I'll end this post. I'm a bit done typing at the moment (no offense to you, dear reader) and I really don't have much more to say on anything until the pieces finally fall into place. Rest assured, though. No matter what happens, I'm not going anywhere.

Knock on wood.

In Like A Lion...

So, with March now being slightly over half over and the official start of Spring being next week; I figured I would finally post on what's been going on.

First off, all apologies for the delay in posts. Time has simply slipped away from me, with all that has happened. 2015 seems to be going at double the speed that 2014 was at. It also has proven to be a year of turbulent progress. Life is moving drastically forward in an equally dramatic fashion. With that being said, here goes:

For the record, the weather here for the first half of March has been unseasonably warm. A few days ago, it even reached the low 70's. It has been record setting temps for the month; and even south Texas, were my sister lives, has been cooler than it has been up here. I bring this up for two reasons: #1 With the lack of snow in the mountains, we're sure to have a wicked drought this coming summer. The other reason is that, in my personal and especially my professional life, things have been dark and gloomy. I've had many setbacks and have internalized a terrible amount of stress. To the point where I have felt like I'm losing my mind and have felt like the walls of my life have been closing in on me. It hasn't been healthy, to say the least. 

Then, out of the blue, the weather started taking a turn for the worst and my life, again both personally and professionally, have begun to start taking a turn for the better. I had back to back interviews with recruiters from Comcast and I've begun to get some amazing love and support from an awesome group of friends. This past weekend, I had an accidental vacation (more that partially to do with my phone both dying on me and playing and expert game of hide-and-go-seek) where I had a temporary but completely necessary escape from reality. I was able to be me without any external (and especially internal) pressure to be...well, an adult. For about 48 hours, I had escaped the rat race and was reminded that life doesn't have to be completely serious 24/7. 

So where does this leave me? Well, the mini-vacation worked. I've relaxed, regrouped, and refocused on the future. I was reminded that I'm not facing this alone and I'm going to use that to my advantage. I'm going to pursue the Comcast and, with luck, my next post will be as an employee with them.

As you may have noticed, I did keep this one a bit vague. Simply because so much has happened and I honestly don't feel like going into it all. But, as the rains come down and the rivers begin to swell, life is beginning to shine once again.

Insomnia Induced Novels

While laying in bed, trying to sleep, I finally came up with my first novel. And it's title: "The Kid With Cancer". Be prepared to cry.

So, basically, this good kid-early 20's secretly goes to the doctor and finds out that the leukemia he had as a teenager has returned. In full force. The book opens with the doctor giving him the news that he's going to die. The book is about the last year of his life.

The opening sentence (which I'm not 100% sold on) is: "The one undeniable fact that everyone is denying is that I'm going to die."

The story behind the title is that, when he was a teenager and was first diagnosed with leukemia, he was known in his high school as "the kid with cancer". It went into remission by middle of senior year, he goes to prom, graduates, then goes to college. 

In college, he meets the love of his life, they love in together, and then he starts getting sick. He hides it the best that he can, but sneaks away and gets the fateful doctor's appointment.