A Fresh Start

Good lord, 2014 was a long, eventful year. Many ups, many downs, many jobs and a move or two, to boot. I would go further into detail, but let's be honest, I'm glad the year is bloody over. 

2015 has much expected of it. Now that I'm ordained, I am fully planning on performing any weddings (within reason-both parties have to be sober and consenting. And sane) that I have the opportunity to perform. I'm going to finally crawl out of debt. There's a business venture I'm going to be pursuing that I'm really hoping is as profitable as I'm hoping it will be.

Really, though, I'm hoping 2015 is a year of travel. I have had wanderlust since October and really need to get out. South by Southwest is on the list. Getting my passport and hopefully going to Canada is on my list. Other travels, as well.

Writing a book will happen in 2015. It's time. I both want to do this and really need to. My goal by 2015 is to finally be published. 

There's other things I'm aiming for, but honestly, I'm way too tired to keep typing. So have a happy and safe new year, everyone.

Death of a Memory

I grew up in a town (too far away to be a suburb) south of Seattle. It was quiet, for the most part, and had the usual town problems. Nothing major, though. It's the kind of memory you would have for any town in America. Well, as much as I hate to say it, but that idealistic vision of my hometown is completely dead. This town is dead to me.

A few months after moving back from Texas, I moved in with my aunt, who lives in the town that I grew up in. It was then that I realized how much has changed. The homeless population had spiked to alarming numbers. The amount of businesses that were closed was significantly higher than I ever remember. And meth. Meth has become an epidemic that has claimed much of the valley. The amount of people high on this evil substance, day or night, is...alarming. Which means that crime is at levels I have never seen before. And one of the biggest crimes that's jumped up: burglary.

This house has been broken into...I don't even know how many times this year. I've honestly lost count. Before this year, not once has it been broken into and now we've had to lock it down as secure as we can because of the amount of burglaries that has happened to us. One of those measures is an alarm system, which we found out tonight, works. Because we had another possible break in. 

Thankfully the police came to check it out. They didn't find anything (thank God) other than a stray cat wandering in the garage. The garage that was secured as Fort Knox (or so we thought) and no way for an animal to get in. But the good news is that nothing is missing and a stray found a warm place to be for a bit.

Well, something is gone. My sense of security is gone. My kinship for this town is gone. My desire to stay here is gone. Even my faith in humanity is gone. 

When I move out of this town, I'm never coming back. Thank you, methed-up criminals for shattering my reality.

Better Out Than In

When I first began this blog, I promised full disclosure. No filter, no excuses, no beating around the bush. I have kept too much too close to the chest and I reached a point in my life where I needed to take off the mask I wear for the world. It was finally time to show the tears of the clown.

They say when you are nauseated, that it's better out than in. Meaning, it's much better for the body, mind and soul to, well, purge everything that you're keeping inside. It's better to release the poison that we are keeping in our bodies. This blog (and the two that preceded it) are my release of what I keep inside me. Some times it's blogging that even allows me to sleep at night. This blog is a no-holds-barred look into my life. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Tonight I had a drink after work with my "coworker". She doesn't actually work with me. In fact, it's the girl I mentioned not too long ago. She gave me some dark fragments of her life and, in turn, I gave her some dark fragments of mine. No barriers. Things that I could tell she's been keeping inside and it was things that I know I've been keeping buried.  Why? Because if I don't have to talk about it, I don't have to relive it. But that's not healthy and this was one of these times where it was truly better out than in.

You know what? It felt good. Really good. Emotions and memories that have been buried for years came to the surface and the thing that was absent was the pain that is associated with it. The more I talk about it, the less it hurts. These memories...they have been the chains of Marley for too many years and I'm ready to release them. I'm ready to release them and move on. I'm ready to be reborn from the ashes of my past.

Skipping Christmas

After much consideration, I have a declaration: This year, I'm skipping Christmas this year. Sure, I'm still going to knock out all my Christmas shopping today and I'm spending Christmas Eve with my mom and grandparents, but Christmas Day I'm spending alone. By choice.

This isn't some protest about commercialization or some other such "bah humbug" mentality. I'm not depressed and shutting out the world. I'm simply...spent. Exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally-toast. I am in need of some quiet alone time to recharge my batteries and that day just so happens to land on Christmas Day. It's as simple as that.

The other big reason is that I haven't been in the spirit all season. Sure, you could blame the long hours, but honestly, that's not it at all. No one, it seems, is in the festive spirit. This year I've seen the least amount of decorated houses and a scant few of friends, family, and customers have wished me a "Happy Holidays". I've been to one white elephant party and one regular holiday party and that's it. The mall, which should have been packed since Black Friday, is still dead during the week. Add to it that many stores are open Thanksgiving Day, and the whole season just seems...cheap. False. We've become the metallic pink tree and what the world really needs is that tiny evergreen that can barely hold up a star.

In essence, we're now completely locked on to WHAT to buy and we've lost all sight as to WHY we buy. 

So, what will I be doing on Christmas Day? Sleeping in. That's priority number one. Re-read A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. Maybe watch a holiday movie or two. I'm honestly hoping to Skype with my sister and her family, but if it doesn't happen, I understand and I'm okay with that. Mostly though, the day will be spent in silence and solitude.

I'm going to be all alone on Christmas and I'm completely content with that.

Future Perfect

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking tonight (this happens a lot when you're stuck at work and it's extremely slow) and I do believe I'm ready for the next stage of my life to begin. It's time to stop settling for the status quo and finally start making the splash I am meant to make. I have allowed myself to coast for far too long and I'm ready to kick it up a notch and go. And the first place I'm starting is with writing a memoir.

Now, you may ask, what right do I have to write an autobiography when I'm still young. Normally, I would concur with you, but, considering the success of this blog (this is my 50th post, by the way; and it has been read all over the world many times over) and the fact that, as Hunter S. Thompson put it, I'm "too weird to live, too rare to die" warrants a published telling of my life story. That, and as I've gotten the feeling in the past, there's zero guarantee that I'll live to be old, in the first place. None at all.

So that's the first big decision I made tonight. The second is that I'm getting out of retail as soon as I can. I have spent far too much of my life within the confines of one mall, or another, and even when I was a banker in Texas, our branch was inside a Walmart. Even my title there was "Retail Banker". There's so much more to life than this and it's time I shake loose from these chains. I need a real job where I'm mentally stimulated every single day. I seriously feel like my brain is going to waste; and I know my life surely is. Also, for someone who is normally energetic, I feel drained from sheer boredom after each shift. During each shift.

Third is it's time for me to start traveling once more. One of my goals for 2015 is to attend SXSW in Austin. The last (and really only) music festival that I have been to was Summerfest in Milwaukee back in...2006? '06 or 07. Either way, it's been way too long and SXSW is on my bucket list anyway. Before that, however, I'm going to NorWesCon in Seattle and meeting George R.R. Martin (the author of the Song of Ice and Fire series that has been adapted by HBO as the show Game of Thrones). I've already met Patrick Rothfuss (author of the Name of the Wind) at PAX this year and got some writing advice from him. I want to know what wisdom Martin would have on the subject. And, lastly, I want to get my passport. It's time that that happens.

Another goal I have for 2015 is to finally complete NaNoWriMo. I have made many attempts at writing a novel during the month of November and; while I fully understand how hard it's going to be, I finally understand what it's going to take to see it from start to finish. The key, I've figured out, is planning the whole bloody book beforehand and then just writing it in November. That's the only way this is going to work. In fact, I might just write a novel in 2015 and then use NaNoWriMo to write the sequel. Then I have two books knocked out in the same year and I can start the publication process for them after the fact. It's time for me to take this writing thing seriously and the best way to do it is to "go big or go home".

It's also time for me to get my Phoenix. I have planned this tattoo since I got my first one back in 2007 and it's time to stop stalling and get it done. Is it going to hurt? Yup. Is it worth it? Oh, most definitely yes. The whole symbology behind the Phoenix is worth it. Rising from the ashes of death to become a whole new creation is something that I have been continually doing since Dad passed away. I have shed so many skins; and I have many more to go before my time is truly up. 

There are other things that I will strive for between now and the close of 2015; but these are the big ones. I'm tired of the lateral moves in my life and I'm ready to shatter my self-inflicted glass seeing and make the most of the time I have left. Carpe diem!!!

One Milestone Down

Yesterday evening I was on Facebook and a friend of mine posted asking the quickest and cheapest way to become ordained. Curiosity being what it is, I clicked on the status and saw that someone had posted a link to the Universal Life Church Monestary. There was a brief introduction video by (of all people) Conan O'Brien and a simple form. One of the questions, I kid you not, was if I was 13 years old or older. 

So I did. As of last night, I am legally ordained. I can perform weddings, baptisms, funerals, even start a church of my own. I can absolve sins and everything. And tomorrow I'll pay for the full package of paperwork and register with the state. 

Now, this was not some arbitrary whim. I have had the desire to become ordained since, well, junior year in high school. That was when I found out that it wasn't this obscure thing that only a select amount of people can do. This was also the time when my beliefs began to morph  from some abract religious rituals (okay, it's actually mainstream, with baptisms and all; but it was abstract to me. I didn't understand the WHY of it all) to a more personalized spiritual experience. I began reading the Bible multiple times a day and learning about the history behind it. Which, to me, was a natural transition from the Greco-Egyptian history, mythology, and philosophy streak I had been going through since the 6th grade. I started diving into the Romans, who they were, what they believed, and how they lived. In short, I wanted to learn about the world my Messiah lived in. And, no, I was not a normal child at all. 

Jump forward to last night and this one goal that has been with for well over a decade is finally accomplished. A long chapter of my life has abruptly ended and I'm left with the question: Now what?

Seriously, it's like waking up with a superpower that you don't quite understand and unsure of how to use. My friend Joy suggested that I could open a wedding chapel (which, admittedly, is a possibility, but not something I want to do with my life). I could actually start a church, but I feel like that is not my calling. The possibilities are endless...but I don't know exactly how to use them. Or even if I ever will.

The interesting thing is how fulfilled I feel right now. Like a giant piece of the unseen puzzle of my life has just been fitted into place. This, I fully believe, was meant to happen and now it has. I'm calmer than I have been all month. I'm feeling much more at peace with my life. I would even say that it feels like my life has more purpose than it ever has ever before. I may never know the implications of my decision last night, but now I begin the journey of "what now".

Unfinished Business

So, yeah... I fully meant to post about Christmas music immediately after the previous post; but it didn't happen. It's a busy, busy time of year and one chalk full of distractions. Sorry about that. I may still do it, but not this time around.

If I were to sum up my adult life in two words, it would be "unfinished business". The older I get, the more loose ends I seem to leave. Bill Watterson, the creator of Calvin and Hobbes (my favorite comic strip growing up), once said "God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die." Honestly, right now, that's exactly how it feels; but in a weird sort of way, I'm okay. It gives me purpose and keeps me going. 

One of the major ones on my bucket list is to travel to, well, anywhere outside the U.S. According to my mom, I was less than a year old when we visited Canada; but since I obviously have no recollection of this, I feel like I've never left the county I was born in. I've traveled all around it, mind you, but never fully left it. And considering how travel is so important to me, it's high on my list. There are also many places in America I want to see before checking out.

Being published is a top priority. This I honestly believe is one of (if not the main) reasons why I'm here in the first place. As far as life's purposes, this one is a pretty solid one. I love words and the major I can create with them. It's amazing what you can do with a simple turn of phrase and a large vocabulary. It is something I thoroughly enjoy doing and feel a genuine need to do. This blog currently is the only way I have been getting my "fix"; and even it is not feeling like it is enough. Nothing against you guys-just an itch I can't scratch right now.

I'm not done doing good for mankind. One of the things about me is that I'm not truly happy until I'm making other people happy and their needs are taken care of. I am a huge, huge advocate for charities and I feel that those who are in the position to donate should and should do it as often as they can. There are far more people in need than there are who aren't; so those who are in the position to help should do everything they can to do so. I'm an extremely passionate person, in general, and this is something that is close to my heart.

A family is something I desire more and more the older I get. Yes, I will fully admit that I am very much in the career mindset right now; but when I'm laying alone in bed at night, this is something that weighs heavily on my heart. To love and be loved is something everyone desires.

On the flipside, I'm not done having fun. I'm not saying you can't have fun with a family; but I'm not yet done being a bachelor and doing all the things with my "freedom".

Last, but not least, I'm not done becoming more intelligent and more wise. I'm unusual in the fact that I love learning and have a strong curiosity that fuels the flames of knowledge. I want to become fully fluent in German (not just partially like I am now) and wouldn't mind learning at least one more additional language, as well. Preferably something I can get a lot of use out of, as well. I want to learn more about history, philosophy, and the sciences. I want to not only understand the words of Einstein, but his formulas, as well. I haven't maxed out my intelligence by any means, but it would be nice to achieve this.

Am I saying I'm going to live forever? No. Not by any means. I fully understand my own mortality and the fragility of life. I know full well how swiftly and suddenly it can end. I know not the number of days I have left; but I fully plan on making the most of the ones I have.

Hollywood For The Holidays

So, by my count, I wrote 18 posts last month. Eighteen. That's a personal record for me-by quite a bit. Although, honestly, if it wasn't for the fact that I can blog from my phone (which is where 98% of my posts happen), I probably would have written maybe six, tops. Also, to be honest, there were a few of those that I consider to be "junk posts" because I didn't have the time and energy to put thought into them-making them rush jobs. I hate that. And now that it's December and the holidays are in full swing, what "free time" I had to write last month is completely gone. Which means that I most likely will be blogging less and focusing on life more. Possibly, anyway. You never know with me when the urge to write will strike.

I'm not sure why, but growing up (and even into much of my adulthood), Christmas has taken a backseat to Halloween. I have my theories on this, but this post isn't about that. Now that I'm in my 30s, however, I would say they're tied in importance. I still love my ghosts and goblins, I can now say I fully appreciate snowflakes and Scrooge. Actually, since watching the Jim Carrey rendition of A Christmas Carol, I have a new appreciation for that particular story, as well.

*segue alert* Holiday movies! If there were two things I wish I could be a curmudgeon about, it's Christmas movies and music. Especially the latter. Actually, to save you the time on this post, I'll be writing a second post after this about my thoughts and theories on Christmas music. I have much to say on the topic, but I digress.

If there are two things we need to be honest with ourselves about is that there are far too many terrible Christmas movies out there. From a writer's standpoint, it's disappointing the amount of hack writing that is put into these films. As a film love, I dread the inevitable onslaught of banal trite that Hollywood scrapes up this time of year. My niece could write better scripts than half the films that come out and she's nine. I'm not exaggerating either-she tells some pretty good stories. Yet, that being said, I do have my favorites to which I shall list below in no particular order (other than the first one)

1. It's a Wonderful Life (I'll be discussing this film in a second)
2. Miracle on 34th Street (1947 version, of course)
3. Go (not technically a Christmas film, but one that takes place around that time of year. Phenomenal film and not for everyone)
4. Elf (one of my three favorite Will Ferrell films; with Stranger Than Fiction and Old School being the other two)
5. Love Actually (thanks to my friend Kati for introducing me to this film)
6. A Christmas Carol (Jim Carrey version)
7. Home Alone & Home Alone 2 (I'm putting these two together because you should watch both. As bratty as Kevin is, he does mature and humble himself in both movies)
8. The Santa Clause (honestly this film is under-rated in my opinion. Scott Calvin truly loves his son and wants the best for him)
9. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (one of my favorite flicks growing up and it still makes me laugh)
10. Hook (again, set around that time, so I'm counting it. And as I've mentioned before, it's one of my favorite films of all time)

The one film that is not on this list that I will receive significant flack over is A Christmas Story. Everyone loves this film but me. Why? Because growing up, the department store Santa scene scared me and the kid just comes off as being a brat every time I watch it. Judge how you may, but that's how I feel. The other film that's not on the list that I'll get flack over is Nightmare Before Christmas because I personally don't see it as a Christmas movie. The same goes for the first two Die Hard films. I also didn't include the holiday specials like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and A Charlie Brown Christmas because those are television programs and not actual movies.

So why It's a Wonderful Life? Most people have it on their list because of sentimental reasons; but I didn't view it until I was already in my mid-twenties. My dad had already passed away and the depression that poor George Bailey goes through throughout the film was one that I was living in. Dead also (in my opinion at the time) was my dreams of becoming a famous novelist; and all poor George Bailey wants to be is an engineer who travels all over the world. Instead, he gets roped down with a job he never wanted and a wife we're not sure he even loves until the end of the movie. It's one of those rare times when Hollywood takes a page out of life's book and makes a movie out of it. It's honest, genuine, and real. It even brushes with the very taboo topic of suicide (something Hollywood skirts as much as the real world) and it takes a literal act of divine intervention to pull his head out of the mental fog that he's living in and realize that he truly has a wonderful life. Two other things I want to point out is that even though he's a grouch, he cares, and everyone in the town cares for him. He just doesn't see it. People living with depression rarely ever know how much others appreciate them because they suffer through so much internal strife that they feel no one could love them. The other thing is that the real miracle isn't everyone coming together to save George from his plight-that was already in the works when he took off in his car. The real miracle is that his eyes are finally opened to see it happen. That alone is why it has become my favorite holiday film and will always be so.

So there you have it. I know everyone has their personal favorites and these just so happen to be mine. From a writer's standpoint, I havd zero desire to write a screenplay for a holiday movie. Although, push comes to shove, I know I could if I had to. What I have considered doing instead is writing a brief little literary piece about the same length as Holidays On Ice by David Sedaris (my favorite by him and it also makes me laugh every time). Who knows-perhaps, some day someone in Hollywood will read it and turn it into a decent holiday film. Although, considering the hack job they did with Skipping Christmas (by John Grisham), perhaps that wouldn't be the best idea, after all.