So it begins.
A new chapter in my life has begun. I woke up yesterday morning with the feeling that everything was different. That this past weekend has changed the course of my life. For better or worse, I begin on a path that I will walk for the rest of my life.
The question is: what?
Not to be cryptic, but I have no idea what the change is or will be. It was an amazingly fantastic weekend, but there wasn't anything remotely overt in the life changing department. The only thing is that I can tell you is that I woke up stronger. Ready to take on the world once more. I regained my determination to make this life mine and to not take any prisoners or compromises in the path that I feel I should be walking. To the future that I will make my own.
I will say this: I'm done putting my life on hold. I'm done waiting. The kid gloves are coming off and I'm putting myself and my needs first. I'm not saying "no more mister nice guy" because I am always going to be that guy. I'm always going to be there for others and to treat them better than I treat myself. But I am getting out of my own way and I'm ready to take this life by the horns and see where the bucking bronco takes me.
The last time this happened, this feeling, I was living in Texas two months later. I am no stranger to sudden and drastic life changes. When I let go of my doubts and get out of my own way, big, nay, drastic life changes happen overnight. And it has begun once again. I'm wiping the slate entirely clean and starting from scratch.
As of right now, everything is an option. Living situation. Relationship status. Job and career path. Empires will rise and fall and the mental eclipse that has been blackening my potential is rolling away once more. It's time to hit the ground running and to show the world just exactly what I'm made of. It's time to bring forth why I was put on this Earth to begin with.
The winds of change are blowing. And the air has never been sweeter.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Monday, July 13, 2015
The Words in My Veins
"Oh girl, this boat is sinking. There's no sea left for me. And how the sky gets heavy, when you are underneath it. Oh, I want to sail away from here. And God.... He came down, down, down..." - Otherside by Macklemore.
As a writer, there is nothing more intimidating than a blank screen and a blinking cursor. Ideally, it's an invitation to create, but it can be the most frightening and paralyzing thing you can see. There's a lot of doubt that fills the very essence of your being as you look at the possibility of either utter and complete failure or skyrocketing success. Or, the worst of it all-mediocrity. Because I, like every other writer, would rather be a terrible writer than a mediocre one. One who's craft is utter meaningless crap.
Being a writer is the loneliest type of magician there is. We create whole worlds; while we can barely live in our own. We're shut-ins by nature. We HAVE to be shut ins-the world is a noisy place and full of distraction. We're dysfunctional by default and the best of us are truly broken souls. Some of, hell probably most of the greats dealt with crippling depression and more than a few committed suicide. And addiction is something that runs just as rampant in the wordsmith community. We let the coping mechanisms take over; and most of the time we don't even realized it. Writing staves off the demons in our head for a while, but never permanently. Which is the other main drive of why we keep writing. And, to clear the air right now-no writer writes to get rich. No real writers, any way. The biggest and most universal addiction that writers have is writing itself. The flow of words as they materialize in front of us is almost a high. No, strike that, it is one. When a writer is "in the zone" we're getting high on our own craft and there's a fire inside us that allows us to feel alive once more. Which is why when we stop writing, the crushing weight of depression kicks back in. Hence the quote at the beginning of this post.
By nature, writers are difficult people to be around for an extended period of time. I am, at the very least self-actualized to both realized and admit this. I know how moody I can be; even if I don't realize at the time how difficult I'm being. Don't get me wrong-we're (for the most part) very down-to-earth and (somewhat) friendly people. Some of us (such as myself) are also extremely non-judgmental people you'll ever meet. But being around us for an extended period of time is about as good for you as being around untreated uranium. By nature we can be extremely self-destructive and it's hard to maintain a friendship that is constantly doubting themselves. One minute we can think we're the best writer that has ever put pen to paper and the next we want to set fire to everything we have ever written. Especially during the editing process.
Before you start thinking we're the most terrible people to ever walk this Earth, there's many redeemable qualities about us. First off, we LOVE our readers. I cannot emphasize that enough. To know that someone is reading our work (and hopefully is enjoying it) is the biggest thrill. The most gratifying experience is when someone says that they love our work. I'm not going to lie-we may be skeptical at first, but that's only because, as I mentioned before, we constantly doubt ourselves and our work. So, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, we love our readers far more than you love us. Someone told me recently that they loved something I had written and I wanted to hug the crap out of them.
Second is our quirks are pretty awesome. Writers love our tools. I'm a big quality pen freak. Quality pens are pretty much the best thing ever. Especially when you hear them scratch over quality paper and the magic begins again. And typewriters. Despite where technology has taken us, every writer should not only own a typewriter, but use it at least once a year. I personally do not own one, but I will as soon I have the ways and means to pick one up. Growing up, my family had an electric Smith Corona and the hum it made while it sat there waiting for the magic to begin; followed by the ecstasy educing sound of the pounding of each letter hitting the paper and the creation of each word. The clanking and rattling is the best sound in the world. As soon as I can, I'm going to find and pick up one of those Smith Coronas for myself. I honestly know and believe that I need one of those in my life.
Writers are also readers and we're always searching for amazing quotes. When I came across this Buzzfeed article the other day, I had to bookmark it immediately: http://www.buzzfeed.com/jenniferschaffer/i-am-i-am-i-am#.mtr7xMeBa The perfect turn of a phrase is what we live for. There is a strange electricity in the forming or reading of a perfect sentence. In fact, the one of the best is Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn; as every sentence is razor sharp and cuts to the bone. Not a single word is wasted and that is truly a rare thing to find in any novel. I honestly tip my hat to her.
Brevity, as you may have noticed, is not my strong suit. I realize that. Which is why I'm cutting this short. Writers have a strong tendency to go off on tangents and I'm a perfect example of this. To be blunt, I had the strong urge to write and this is what came from that. I will add, in closing, that I started watching the show Californiacation yesterday and the show struck pretty close to home for me. The show, if you're not aware, is about a writer who is dealing with crippling bout of writer's block and it's about his struggle to not only write, but deal with life while he can't. If you do check out the show, be forwarded that there is a lot of sex, drinking, and somewhat drug use. He also smokes like a chimney. But he also has a lot of redeeming factors about him. And it is honestly the most closest depiction of what being a writer is truly like. Because, at the end of the day, the thing that is most vital to writers is writing itself.
As a writer, there is nothing more intimidating than a blank screen and a blinking cursor. Ideally, it's an invitation to create, but it can be the most frightening and paralyzing thing you can see. There's a lot of doubt that fills the very essence of your being as you look at the possibility of either utter and complete failure or skyrocketing success. Or, the worst of it all-mediocrity. Because I, like every other writer, would rather be a terrible writer than a mediocre one. One who's craft is utter meaningless crap.
Being a writer is the loneliest type of magician there is. We create whole worlds; while we can barely live in our own. We're shut-ins by nature. We HAVE to be shut ins-the world is a noisy place and full of distraction. We're dysfunctional by default and the best of us are truly broken souls. Some of, hell probably most of the greats dealt with crippling depression and more than a few committed suicide. And addiction is something that runs just as rampant in the wordsmith community. We let the coping mechanisms take over; and most of the time we don't even realized it. Writing staves off the demons in our head for a while, but never permanently. Which is the other main drive of why we keep writing. And, to clear the air right now-no writer writes to get rich. No real writers, any way. The biggest and most universal addiction that writers have is writing itself. The flow of words as they materialize in front of us is almost a high. No, strike that, it is one. When a writer is "in the zone" we're getting high on our own craft and there's a fire inside us that allows us to feel alive once more. Which is why when we stop writing, the crushing weight of depression kicks back in. Hence the quote at the beginning of this post.
By nature, writers are difficult people to be around for an extended period of time. I am, at the very least self-actualized to both realized and admit this. I know how moody I can be; even if I don't realize at the time how difficult I'm being. Don't get me wrong-we're (for the most part) very down-to-earth and (somewhat) friendly people. Some of us (such as myself) are also extremely non-judgmental people you'll ever meet. But being around us for an extended period of time is about as good for you as being around untreated uranium. By nature we can be extremely self-destructive and it's hard to maintain a friendship that is constantly doubting themselves. One minute we can think we're the best writer that has ever put pen to paper and the next we want to set fire to everything we have ever written. Especially during the editing process.
Before you start thinking we're the most terrible people to ever walk this Earth, there's many redeemable qualities about us. First off, we LOVE our readers. I cannot emphasize that enough. To know that someone is reading our work (and hopefully is enjoying it) is the biggest thrill. The most gratifying experience is when someone says that they love our work. I'm not going to lie-we may be skeptical at first, but that's only because, as I mentioned before, we constantly doubt ourselves and our work. So, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, we love our readers far more than you love us. Someone told me recently that they loved something I had written and I wanted to hug the crap out of them.
Second is our quirks are pretty awesome. Writers love our tools. I'm a big quality pen freak. Quality pens are pretty much the best thing ever. Especially when you hear them scratch over quality paper and the magic begins again. And typewriters. Despite where technology has taken us, every writer should not only own a typewriter, but use it at least once a year. I personally do not own one, but I will as soon I have the ways and means to pick one up. Growing up, my family had an electric Smith Corona and the hum it made while it sat there waiting for the magic to begin; followed by the ecstasy educing sound of the pounding of each letter hitting the paper and the creation of each word. The clanking and rattling is the best sound in the world. As soon as I can, I'm going to find and pick up one of those Smith Coronas for myself. I honestly know and believe that I need one of those in my life.
Writers are also readers and we're always searching for amazing quotes. When I came across this Buzzfeed article the other day, I had to bookmark it immediately: http://www.buzzfeed.com/jenniferschaffer/i-am-i-am-i-am#.mtr7xMeBa The perfect turn of a phrase is what we live for. There is a strange electricity in the forming or reading of a perfect sentence. In fact, the one of the best is Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn; as every sentence is razor sharp and cuts to the bone. Not a single word is wasted and that is truly a rare thing to find in any novel. I honestly tip my hat to her.
Brevity, as you may have noticed, is not my strong suit. I realize that. Which is why I'm cutting this short. Writers have a strong tendency to go off on tangents and I'm a perfect example of this. To be blunt, I had the strong urge to write and this is what came from that. I will add, in closing, that I started watching the show Californiacation yesterday and the show struck pretty close to home for me. The show, if you're not aware, is about a writer who is dealing with crippling bout of writer's block and it's about his struggle to not only write, but deal with life while he can't. If you do check out the show, be forwarded that there is a lot of sex, drinking, and somewhat drug use. He also smokes like a chimney. But he also has a lot of redeeming factors about him. And it is honestly the most closest depiction of what being a writer is truly like. Because, at the end of the day, the thing that is most vital to writers is writing itself.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
The Thoughts That Cost Me Slumber
It's just after midnight and sleep is being elusive once again. You can't really blame the heat this time (although that has been the obvious culprit for the past month) and it's not for lack of exhaustion, either. No, once again, my brain has made the decision that sleep is unnecessary and that now is the time to revisit my recent past. Which leads me here, once again.
Today was a good day. I am still searching for another job, but I had an interview that went really well. Extremely well, actually. In fact, towards the end of it, both the women I was interviewing with and myself came to the same conclusion that the position I had originally applied for would not be a good fit for me and to try a different position with the same company instead. That kind of candor is extremely rare, but I have noticed that with every startup that I interview with, there is zero mystery as to what I would be getting myself into and complete transparency as to what the next step is (or if there will be one in the first place). After that, I went home and hit the hunt hard. Occupationally, it is far better to have too many options than none at all. And I am not one who sits idly-for anything. Patience may be a virtue, but it has never been one that I have possessed.
A friend of mine recommended recently that I start looking into anti-depressants. I explained to him that (other than cost) my primary concern is that I will become dependent, or even addicted to them. His concern for me is entirely valid and it's something that I have considered for myself. Which is why as soon as I have the means, I'm going to start taking St. John's Wort. I've done my research and it seems to be the best available option. Minimal risk of addiction, easily available, easily affordable, and it's an herb as opposed to a pill. Thus, minimal chance of side effects. I'm also going to be getting back into shape; and I've even been looking at exercises that will help me gain that ever elusive six pack. Even if I don't achieve it, building up my core will help my back out exponentially. Which will lesson my overall daily pain, thus improving both my physical and mental health. An all around win.
The state I live is is notorious for being extremely wet, yet I cannot remember the last time that it rained. We are going through a severe drought and fires are springing up everywhere. This worry alone is keeping me up at night. Temperatures have been much higher than normal and it's rare that we even have a cloudy day. At first, I would jokingly say "This is why I left Texas" and now I mean it. In fact, if anything, the area down there where I was living has gotten more rain than we have.
There's other things, many other things, that are going through my head right now; but I don't have it in me right now to divulge them. I will leave you with a bit of good news, though. It genuinely feels like my life is leaving the holding pattern it was in and things are going to be moving suddenly and quickly. I will also say that it looks like my desire to move to Seattle will once again become a reality before the end of the year. I don't want to go into details, but, while the present doesn't look the best, the future looks to be an amazing place.
Today was a good day. I am still searching for another job, but I had an interview that went really well. Extremely well, actually. In fact, towards the end of it, both the women I was interviewing with and myself came to the same conclusion that the position I had originally applied for would not be a good fit for me and to try a different position with the same company instead. That kind of candor is extremely rare, but I have noticed that with every startup that I interview with, there is zero mystery as to what I would be getting myself into and complete transparency as to what the next step is (or if there will be one in the first place). After that, I went home and hit the hunt hard. Occupationally, it is far better to have too many options than none at all. And I am not one who sits idly-for anything. Patience may be a virtue, but it has never been one that I have possessed.
A friend of mine recommended recently that I start looking into anti-depressants. I explained to him that (other than cost) my primary concern is that I will become dependent, or even addicted to them. His concern for me is entirely valid and it's something that I have considered for myself. Which is why as soon as I have the means, I'm going to start taking St. John's Wort. I've done my research and it seems to be the best available option. Minimal risk of addiction, easily available, easily affordable, and it's an herb as opposed to a pill. Thus, minimal chance of side effects. I'm also going to be getting back into shape; and I've even been looking at exercises that will help me gain that ever elusive six pack. Even if I don't achieve it, building up my core will help my back out exponentially. Which will lesson my overall daily pain, thus improving both my physical and mental health. An all around win.
The state I live is is notorious for being extremely wet, yet I cannot remember the last time that it rained. We are going through a severe drought and fires are springing up everywhere. This worry alone is keeping me up at night. Temperatures have been much higher than normal and it's rare that we even have a cloudy day. At first, I would jokingly say "This is why I left Texas" and now I mean it. In fact, if anything, the area down there where I was living has gotten more rain than we have.
There's other things, many other things, that are going through my head right now; but I don't have it in me right now to divulge them. I will leave you with a bit of good news, though. It genuinely feels like my life is leaving the holding pattern it was in and things are going to be moving suddenly and quickly. I will also say that it looks like my desire to move to Seattle will once again become a reality before the end of the year. I don't want to go into details, but, while the present doesn't look the best, the future looks to be an amazing place.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Just Breathe
So, there's a song out there by Telepopmusik called Breathe. If you're not familiar with it, it's an EDM song with beautiful female vocals. If you're not familiar with it, the refrain "Just breathe, just breathe, another day" is repeated over and over. It The whole song is melodically soothing and has a calming effect every time I hear it. Like releasing a long held breath that you didn't realize you were holding.
One of my bad habits that I will fully admit that I have is that I overthinking things. Lots of things. Most things, really. Not to the point where I'm indecisive about everything. But the point where I over-complicate things and instinctively do things the hard way. It's always how I've been and I know that is how I will always be. Which is why some of the absolute best advice I have ever gotten (and need to be reminded of with frequency) is "just breathe". Just stop. And breathe.
Now, before you think of me as a basket case (or perhaps, you've already have suspected this), I am capable of making decisions. I make loads of them. All the time. I listen to my gut and follow my instinct. In fact, most of the decisions I make on my feet and in the moment. I not only trust my intuition, but others rely on it as well. When I'm in the moment, I am capable of making massive, possibly even life changing decisions in seconds. There's been times when I have had to do just that.
But, it's the other times. The times when I'm entrenched in a situation and I'm not allowing myself to seek out outside influences to help me make a decision. The times when a problem went from having a simple solution to a complicated outcome. Or, rather, when my brain sees an ant hill and decides to start mountain building. When my brain takes a simple "yes" or "no" question and I have to evaluate all aspects of what I am being asked. Or when I set forth on a task that should only take a few minutes, but complications arise (for any given reason) and my brain enters problem solving mode. When I actually stop breathing and my own intellect becomes my own worst enemy. When I become my own worst enemy.
This is why music is so cathartic to me. I can shut out the rest of the world and shut myself out, as well. When my headphones are in, the world becomes a small and feasible. I stop over-analyzing every minute detail and just...do. I just breathe.
So, that's what this post is about. I'm passing on the advice to you. Just breathe. Just let go of everything you think you need to consider and listen to your gut. In through your nose, out through your mouth, and do.
One of my bad habits that I will fully admit that I have is that I overthinking things. Lots of things. Most things, really. Not to the point where I'm indecisive about everything. But the point where I over-complicate things and instinctively do things the hard way. It's always how I've been and I know that is how I will always be. Which is why some of the absolute best advice I have ever gotten (and need to be reminded of with frequency) is "just breathe". Just stop. And breathe.
Now, before you think of me as a basket case (or perhaps, you've already have suspected this), I am capable of making decisions. I make loads of them. All the time. I listen to my gut and follow my instinct. In fact, most of the decisions I make on my feet and in the moment. I not only trust my intuition, but others rely on it as well. When I'm in the moment, I am capable of making massive, possibly even life changing decisions in seconds. There's been times when I have had to do just that.
But, it's the other times. The times when I'm entrenched in a situation and I'm not allowing myself to seek out outside influences to help me make a decision. The times when a problem went from having a simple solution to a complicated outcome. Or, rather, when my brain sees an ant hill and decides to start mountain building. When my brain takes a simple "yes" or "no" question and I have to evaluate all aspects of what I am being asked. Or when I set forth on a task that should only take a few minutes, but complications arise (for any given reason) and my brain enters problem solving mode. When I actually stop breathing and my own intellect becomes my own worst enemy. When I become my own worst enemy.
This is why music is so cathartic to me. I can shut out the rest of the world and shut myself out, as well. When my headphones are in, the world becomes a small and feasible. I stop over-analyzing every minute detail and just...do. I just breathe.
So, that's what this post is about. I'm passing on the advice to you. Just breathe. Just let go of everything you think you need to consider and listen to your gut. In through your nose, out through your mouth, and do.
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