Misadventures in the Journey of Life: February 2017

Friday, February 17, 2017

The Monster Inside.

“Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” — Neil Gaiman

Today is a good day. I woke up with relatively little physical pain — but more importantly, my head was in a good place. That doesn’t always happen. Some days it can be hell to just to get out of bed. I got lucky. Today wasn’t that day.

I’m pretty blunt when it comes to my continual battle with depression. I don’t pretend that I don’t have it or hold on to the illusion that it will eventually go away. It’s hereditary, literally a part of who I am; so instead of even bothering to try and sweep it under the rug, I pull it out and expose it the daylight. I want to lead by example that you can still have a pretty normal life while dealing with the demons inside. If nothing more than it keeps that dark voice at bay.

I’m here today to tell you that depression is a liar. I’m here today to tell you that you are good enough. I’m here today to tell you that there are people out there who do love you and that you are not alone. I’m here today to tell you that all is not lost.

I’m here to tell you that the voice inside is wrong.

I’m also here today because I have been told that I am alone, no one loves me, that I will never be good enough and that my life is meaningless. And I fought back. I fight back. Because, while most of my days are good days, there are still days that are hell. There are days when the monster inside rears its ugly head and takes hold. Sometimes there’s a trigger — but not always. There are days when everything is going fantastic and I struggle so hard to keep my head above the mental dark waters.

The worst part about this is that the darkness inside doesn’t need an excuse to try and destroy you. The monster lurks in the shadows. Always waiting.

I’m also here today to tell you that having depression doesn’t make you weak — it makes you strong. Having depression puts you in the same boat as Winston Churchill. Robin Williams. Mark Twain. Edgar Allen Poe. Charles Dickens. Stephen Fry. Ernest Hemingway. Abraham Lincoln. Calvin Coolidge. Michelangelo. Isaac Newton. J. Robert Oppenheimer. William Faulkner. Edgar Degas. Hans Christian Anderson.T.S. Eliot. Kurt Cobain. Kurt Vonnegut. Jackson Pollock. Akira Kurosawa.

I am a fighter and so are you. And in this fight you are not alone. Ever.

Embrace the good days. They are more frequent than you realize. Know that even when the battle is at its worst, it still doesn’t have to be a losing one. Know that no matter how right it feels to give up, it’s not. Know that, while not everyone wins the battle, the only one who truly makes that decision is you. You are not alone and your story doesn’t have to end here.

You can survive this. I make the choice to live. So can you. One day at a time.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Walls.

As today is Valentine’s Day, I have a bit of a confession to make: I love behind walls.

There are two sides of my coin when it comes to the topic of love. I equally describe myself as an eternal bachelor and a hopeless romantic. Both, for the record, are true. I choose not to date. I am fully capable of falling fully into love. While these seem to be polar opposites, they actually are parallel realities. Such is the lifestyle of those like me — those who know full well how poisonous the arrows of Cupid can be.

You see, I’ve been burned. Hard. More than once. To the point where now, if I start having feelings for someone, I pull away. I do not trust the judgements of my heart. I cannot trust the judgements of my heart. It has lead me to earth shattering agony that I do not wish to ever relive. So I love behind walls.

They say that there’s no such thing as love without risk — and they are right. But I’ve reached a point where I’m so unsure if I have the proverbial parachute that I stay on the plane that is going down. I don’t trust the life boat so I remain on the Titanic.

Do I get lonely? Oh, yes. Not often. In fact, it’s pretty rare when it happens. But when it does, it hits hard. Like a sledgehammer to the chest. I feel an emptiness that breaks me. These are the rare moments that I cry. I mourn the happiness I once had. I mourn the loss of having someone I cared so deeply for. I mourn the heart I once had — one that was a raging inferno of passion that turned into nothing more than a charred coal of memories. As much as I so desperately want to ignite that light, I’m afraid the winds of change will only snuff it out again and I will be right back to where I am now.

Do I want to love again? Yes. I miss having conversations that last until 3 AM. I miss having inside jokes with someone. I miss watching television with someone and the only thing that mattered was that I was with them. I miss having someone to write poetry about. I miss seeing a text from someone and breaking into a giant uncontrollabe smile. I miss being giddy. I still want to have that special someone. I still want to slow dance with my bride on our special day. I still want to grow old with someone who wants to grow old with me.

But, until I let down my barriers and take that chance again, I’m going to remain exactly where I am now:

Alone.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Not Going That Way.

Mistakes were made”. If ever there was a phrase that summed up the whole of human existence, it’s this. For all of our brilliant mental capacities that lead to endless discoveries and advances — we are as far from perfect as you can get. To err is indeed human; and about as human as you can get. So, make no bones about it, mistakes were, indeed, made.

It’s almost comical that there seems to be a universal pursuit of perfection. We strive for the one thing that we know that we will never achieve to the point where even our own subconscious denies how fallible we are to ourselves. Now, don’t get me wrong — we notice mistakes made by others. We recognize them almost as soon as they happen. If one is astute enough, they may even see an error of judgement moments before it even occurs. But when it comes to reflection of self, we are usually blind to just how fallible we truly are.

That’s not what this is about, though. There’s a quote by an unknown source that goes “Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.” You see, one thing that our particular species obsesses about is the past. Specifically our own. We use previous experiences as a litmus test to what our futures will be. We look behind in order to look ahead. We also use our own past experiences and the supposed wisdom that we have gained from it to bestow upon others advice. Even if it is in the form of “I screwed up this way, don’t follow in my footsteps”. And, let’s be honest, we base this on what our recollection of these events were. So, the longer you live, the further back your memories go. To the point where even those who suffer from Alzheimers still have the ability to remember things that happened to them when they were young.

So, what’s the true purpose of this post? Mistakes were made. By you. By me. By everyone. The path of the past is behind you. The further you go along, the further you have a chance to leave them all behind. To start frest. To begin again. The future only comes to those who truly focus on what is ahead of them. Forgiveness only comes from those who are willing to let the journey of their lives leave a sliver of their past behind. If you ever want to move on, just let go and keep walking. No matter how hard it really, truly is. But, and the end of the day, never forget this:

“Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.”