The Hole You Left Behind

Dear Dad,

Today marks the eleventh anniversary of the day you were taken from us. Eleven years has passed since you gasped for your last breath and Death took another soul from this Earth. Eleven years have come and gone and I still love you and miss you dearly. Dear Dad, I do miss you so.

Dear Dad, much has changed since you've been gone. Sis had two kids, a girl and a boy. You would have been a grandpa and spoiled them rotten before sending them home. I do believe you hand picked them and my sister is certain of it. Don't worry, they are taking after her and her independent nature. I have taken after you and became the eternal bachelor. I go hiking in the spring and summer; and go camping, as well. I'm still a gamer and you'll be pleased to know that my writing is finally getting some attention. I know you would have been proud.

Dear Dad, it hasn't been easy since you've been gone. You left a huge home in my heart that took years to scar over. I also took care of your parents for you; both of whom have joined you on the other side. I was there when grandma's memory was eaten away by dementia.  I was there when diabetes took grandpa's foot and when he was diagnosed with the cancer that would later claim his life.  Dear Dad, it's been a rough go since you've been gone. 

Dear Dad, I want you to know that I have moved forward with my life. I can't honestly say that I've moved on, because there will never be a replacement of you; and I will live with the memories of that night so as long as I take air in my lungs.  

Dear Dad, last, and most important, I want to thank you for coming into our lives to stay. You didn't have to become our day, but you chose to become him. I don't know if we told you enough, but you did an amazing job (to put it lightly). You took us under your wing and built a life worth living. You taught us so much and made memories that will last a lifetime. You guided us, but allowed us to make our own decisions and build lives for ourselves. I know it wasn't easy on you, but I promise you it was worth it in the long run. You taught us to think for ourselves and showed us how. 

Dear Dad, if I ever become half the husband and father you were, I will count it as my greatest accomplishment. I'm proud of you. I love you and miss you dearly.

Your son,

Jeremy

Morpheus Forsaken

Forward: So the title of this post is also the title of a poem I wrote back in 2010. At the end of this, I will post the actual poem. I hope you enjoy it.

As I lay here tonight, wide awake, I figured it's time for me to address an issue I've struggled with pretty much all of my adult life: insomnia. It's one of those things that I can almost assuradely attribute to some traumas I have experienced and the stresses that both life and myself place on, well, me. More nights than I care to count have been spent being wide awake and thoroughly frustrated by this fact. Getting my brain to shut off when it is supposed to is a constant struggle of mine. 

Now, it's not an entirely hopeless affliction. The one cure-all seems to be strenuous activity throughout the day. The more physically active I am, the easier it is for me to sleep at night. But that's it. Melatonin actually makes my heart race. Valerian, when it does work (about 50/50) gives me vivid nightmares and I keep waking up, chamomile doesn't calm me, much less put me out, calcium and magnesium are more effective, but not 100%. I won't take sleeping pills (over-the-counter or otherwise) because I'm afraid of becoming dependent; or worse, addicted. Alcohol, even wine, won't necessarily knock me out if I need to be. The list goes one.

I've tried journaling (or in this case, blogging), reading in bed, limiting the electronics in my room, pretty much anything and everything you can think of. It's most prevalent when I'm the most stressed; but I can have a calm, relaxing day and be wired at bedtime. I even limit my caffeine consumption to certain hours of the day. It is a battle that happens far too frequently. 

The good news is that it's not a constant struggle. But when it hits, it hits in spells that can last weeks, even months. There are times when I'll get less than an hour's sleep all night. When that occurs, I'm pretty much useless the following day. And then there isn't a guarantee that I'll catch up on sleep on the night that follows.

As bad as it can get, I don't have much drive to see a specialist about it. As I mentioned before, I'm extremely wary of taking anything for it and telling me I need to meditate is laughable. If there's one thing I cannot do, it's meditate. I've tried, many, many times. I can't even be hypnotized (again, there have been failed attempts). I can, however, nap. Thankfully I am still able to accomplish this. Again, there isn't a 100% chance that it will happen, but it is up there. 

So, there you have it. My night time struggle. And, as promised, I leave you with a poem that I wrote that sums it all up quite nicely. Enjoy.

"So I lay here

Awake

Dreaming sleepless dreams

Consumed completely by my thoughts

Thoroughly lost within my labyrinthine mind

Passing the hours before the coming dawn

My body is weary

But my head is merciless

Ever active

As I lie here inert

Passing the hours before the coming dawn

The sun has fallen asleep hours before

The moon takes a leisurely stroll across the heavens

Accompanied by innumerable stars

That form celestial shapes above my head

They are in no hurry

Passing the hours before the coming dawn

I finally surrender

I let my body leave the bed

My legs remove me from my bedchamber

Out of my apartment altogether

I put foot to pavement

I roam the streets with no destination

Passing the hours before the coming dawn."

The Peacock Dance and the Friend Zone

So, a good friend of mine and I have pretty much the same luck with women. To quote him: "Taken? Put off vibes. Single? Run away!" Meaning that we both have terrible luck with single women, but women who already in a relationship treat us like we're their boyfriends. It's a phenomenon that has happened for as long as I can think of and it's always puzzled me. So, tonight, I asked him about it. This is what we came up with.

Chris: "I have a theory. The crappy guys package up better than the nicer guys. So the girls fall for the nice packaging. Then enters nice guy, stage right.... And the grass is greener there. By contrast? He's perfect. But when they're single? Nothing to contrast with... And they think: "wheres that great packaging?"

Me: "That would also explain the "friendzone" phenomenon. Lack of comparison."

Chris: "Yeah, I thought so, too. I think of it in a graphic design sense on food packaging. We crave the better stuff once the bad stuff makes us feel shitty. But give us a choice without any burn out and them both equally presented? We usually pick the better package design."

Me: "Although...another thought I just had-we also aren't trying to win their affection. Which makes us a non-threat, meaning there's no mating dance involved. They can let down their facade and just be normal around us."

Chris: "Definitely. No peacock flourish. Its a good AND bad thing."

Me: "True. Take fast food, for example. Jack-In-The-Box is no healthier than McDonald's, but there's loads of people who would never step foot in a Mickey Dee's and eat at Jack In The Box."

Chris: "Very much so. They advertise smarter for greasier food."

Me: "So, there's s lack of a mating dance and there's a contrast between what they currently have and what they could have. Suddenly it's all making sense."

Chris: "I could be off... But it made sense enough for me."

Now, before I continue, I'm sure there are some of you out there who might (and probably are) offended at the comparison between the choice of a mate and the choice of a fast food restaurant. I completely understand and I would hate to be compared like that, as well. I fully admit that it is an atrocious metaphor. It's just the first thing that popped into my head and I apologize if I have offended any one thus far. We're just two guys trying to figure all this out; and we just broke down a very complex conundrum into a format we could both equate to, and thus communicate what has been bothering both of us.

Perhaps it's why we're both still single.

Moving on, I do know that there is a decent sized portion of the male population who struggles with the same thing we do. Pop culture is littered with scenarios such as this. While I am not one of those "nice guys finish last", I also know from personal experience that we're also not exactly at the front of the line, either. I am also the first one to say that there is no such thing as an "entitled friend." If she's not into you, she's not into you. Move on and move forward. Don't make the actual nice guys villains because you're forcing your intentions on someone who is not interested in you. I personally have been "friendzoned" numerous times and it has never, ever been a bad thing. My closest female friend is someone who did that to me. I wouldn't trade that friendship for the world.

So, in closing, if you are a guy like us, I hope this helps. Just don't twist it to justify any horrid intentions you may have. As one nice guy to another-don't be a dick. M'kay?

The In-Between Generations

A friend of mine on Facebook posted the following link, which is an article in the Washington Post about being a Gen X parent: http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/09/29/parenting-as-a-gen-xer-what-its-like-to-be-the-first-generation-of-parents-in-the-age-of-ieverything/

While I'm (assumingly) not as old as the author, I am a child of the 80's. It is weird to stop and think of all the changes (both culturally and technologically) that my generation as with any other. I am six months older than MTV. Growing up, black and white TVs still existed (never used, but existed nonetheless), phones had cords and were attached to the wall. Music was played over the radio and we captured songs that we liked on tape. Home computers and gaming systems were in their infancy (we even had these things called arcades). You went to the video store to rent a movie, but you could also go to a drive-in during the summer and movie theaters year round. We had TGIF Friday nights on ABC and Saturday morning cartoons on all channels. We also had afternoon cartoons before the news. I was alive when the USSR and the Berlin Wall existed. 

Growing up, we had a Comodore 64 as our first home PC and certain classrooms had an Apple 2. I actually played Oregon Trail and Paperboy. Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt. We searched for both Waldo and Carmen Sandiego. I was in junior high when Windows 95 came out and a junior in high school when I got my first email address. 

Yet, here I am, typing this on my iPhone. I could own a laptop, but a tablet would suit my needs better. I download all my music and watch both TV shows and movies on Netflix. If I really feel like it, I'll hit a Redbox. While I reminise about how things were, I'm completely comfortable with how things are and would easily adapt to the next big thing. I know that my children will be born in a world where 9/11 is something you learn about in history class and both Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden are already dead. Smart phones will have always existed and they will have technological advances that will blow my mind. Perhaps we will have already colonized Mars by the time they're teenagers. 

Only time will tell. This post is not meant to make you feel old (or out of touch, if you're young enough). It's to show that right now we live in a time when we can learn so much from all the generations that are still alive. So bridge the gap of generations and grow, you human race.