The Beauty and The Storm

In my life, I've had setbacks. In my life, I've had both days that didn't work out and days that made zero sense. In my life, I've had the inexplicable hit the fan.

Today was that day.

So, fair warning, I try and sugar coat my life. Even my depression. Especially my depression. But, as things go, that always doesn't work out. And, believe it or not, if you were to meet me in person, I would put on a brave face and pass things off in the best light. It's who I am and it's who I will always be.

Today is not that day.

In this life, if one is fortunate, you will hit a wall. Maybe not once. Okay, never just once, but you will pretend it is. But you will reach a point where you just can't. Where there is no option in your life where you can not, in any way, shape or form, deal with the physical environment around you. Where, in all honesty, reality has fecaled the bed and you just...can't.

The worst part, is the everyone around you is living their life. Doing their own thing as your world dissolves in front of them. Actually, the worst part of all of this is that they (meaning the human populace around you) is 100% oblivious. They neither know nor remotely care. And they have no reason to.

Their life is not yours.

Your life isn't theirs.

Which means, at some point, you've been "that guy" in the middle of Walmart trying on shoes or looking at the back of a DVD while someone near by is sobbing their eyes out. And, not only could you care less, but you know less. You won't care and you have no reason to. You're just doing your thing while their whole world falls apart.

So, to sum things up because it's late: I'm sad. Life has handed me a hard and familiar hand. I hit a point, mentally, where I was squally angry and disappointed by the news that I got this morning.

And I'm not okay.

At all.

I'm mad, in fact. But that is life. Life WILL make you angry. Life WILL make you sad. Life WILL hurt your heart. But, even after you're gone, life WILL move on. And there is zero chance that that will stop.

What happened, happened. That's just how things work. Disappointment is a guarantee. The only thing that isn't is how you react.

Pain is pain. It's as unchanging as the rain that falls and the sun that shines. Growth is not. You don't have to grow. You should, mind you, and believe me, life will force you to. You will be given all and every choice to move on. It may, or may not, be even remotely immediate, but it will be there. That fork in the road will always be there.

I faced a fork today. I faced some honesty painful disappointment today. I got a response that hurt the heart. But, instead of dwelling, I'm growing. Instead of hurting, I'm healing. I'm moving on.

Because, at the end of the day, we have one life to live. And, as deep as the dark gets, I will forever strive for the light.

Say Anything.

---

From the show Bojack Horseman.

“Say something I’m giving up on you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you. Anywhere I would have followed you. Say something, I’m giving up on you.” — Say Something by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera 

---

There are few greater risks you will attempt in your life than falling in love. To take that one person who was once a stranger and slowly build your life around them. To have that one person who you never knew become the only person who matters truly the most. The one you would lie for. The one you would die for. The one you would uproot your entire life if it meant that you could spend it with them. Especially when you know that there’s a chance, no matter how slim, that it will end. 

---

People “fall in love” all the time. And, to be fair, it is like falling. Free falling from a plane. Everything that was once safe is behind you as you plummet towards the unknown. It’s equally frightening and exhilarating. It’s letting go and it’s freeing. In the beginning, you have no control over it. You let the winds of fate blow through your hair and take you on a most unexpected journey. 

That’s the easy part.

When the passion dies like conflagration into a coal, that’s when it becomes real. When the problems that you once gladly swept under the rug (providing that you even saw them in the first place) become more apparent. After the first fight — and then the second, you start to realize that this supposed iron clad bond between the two of you isn’t as strong as you once presumed. When the rose colored glasses start to dim, the reality of it all starts to clear like a fog parting through the mountains. That’s when the true fear sets in. Maybe, just maybe, the two of you aren’t as perfect, after all. When the fiery tornado of new love slowly unwinds into a steady candle of routine — that’s when you discover if it was ever truly real in the first place.

---

There reaches a point in every relationship when you question if it’s worth it. You start to wonder if dating (or, if it’s gone that far, marrying) them was a mistake. When the fights become more regular than what you ever anticipated. When you’re sitting on the couch together and don’t speak. When you’re lying in the same bed and you might as well by sleeping next to a stranger. When the calls that would last until three in the morning now barely last ten minutes. When you can’t even remember the last time you told them that you loved them. And you’re not even sure of the last time you felt it. When you stopped kissing. When you stopped touching. When you begin the course of no longer caring.

That’s when you reach the fork in the road. One road is where you start to work on the relationship and pour everything into rebuilding. The other you do nothing and it eventually dies. And no one can make that call except the two of you. And even then, there’s no 100% guarantee that it will work.

---

The problem with the past is that everyone has one. Everyone has been hurt at least once. Everyone has that ex that makes you question everything. Including your sanity. Which leads to emotional baggage. The problem with this, emotional baggage, is that if left unchecked, it tends to build. Like a weed, it starts to overgrow into your new relationships; eventually smothering them. If left unchecked, one bad relationship will poison all the ones that follow. Even the greatest built ship will eventually meet an iceberg if you don’t change course.  

---

The last part of this post is the hardest. There are scant few things that you will endure that are harder than the end of a relationship. When the person you cherished with all your heart becomes the person you no longer recognize. When the one that you love is the one that you have to say goodbye. When you have to let go of the one who once mattered the most. Through all the tears and all the pain. When all that you hold dear finally comes to a close. There are few things harder than that. 

We mourn. We weep. A little bit of us dies inside. But, through this catastrophe is a chance to grow. A chance to learn. A chance to become whole once more. Is it easy? No. If anything, it’s the furthest from easy you will ever get. Is it necessary? Yes. Because eventually the shards and shadows of your past loves will eventually fade away. All that will be left are the lessons that you have a choice to either learn or lose. 

These scars you have. They can either cripple you or change you. Cupid’s arrows will always be bittersweet. It’s up to you of what to do once you’ve been stung.