“Inspirational quote.” — a person who is dead who you may have heard of, but probably not. But will pretend to have heard of said person and quote at a party. Or on Facebook.
Step One: Life is rubbish. This may come as a shock. But, then again, as the world is currently coming to an end, what did you really expect? Sure, you may have your job. Your marriage (or lack thereof). Even your friends and family. But, one glance at any headline (or Facebook status) and it’s pretty evident that life is rubbish.
So there you have it.
Step Two: People are rubbish. This is a surprise to no one. Not even you — Mr. Optimistic. You spend more than two seconds interacting with the human race and you realize that people are rubbish. This has nothing to do with the end of the world. It’s just how things are.
Step Three: The news is officially scary. Not in a “Mr. Peterson ran his car into a drug store because he was asleep at the wheel.” It’s frightening in a “what color is the terrorist watch at” or “how close are we to midnight on the Doomsday clock”. You take one glance at a headline and it’s pretty evident that the news will scare you. And will depress you to new ends.
Step Four: Comedians are the new newscasters. The newscasters are the new comedians. This is our new reality and really, nothing is going to change that.
Step Five: All of those depressing novels that you were forced to read in high school are now reality. The government is spying on you. Companies are spying on you. Your neighbors are, in some form or fashion, spying on you. Even if they don’t mean to. Just by living next to you, there’s tabs on you.
Who can you trust? See Step Number Two.
Step Six (Six, Six): None of what I’m saying really surprises you. I mean, sure, you’ll say that it does. You’ll say that this is all paranoia. But both you and I know that we only wish it was paranoia. And that things have never been this bad. And you don’t know how worse they can get.
Step Seven: Vices!! Everyone has them. Even your dear old gran. Just don’t ask her what they are. Awkward…
But pay any attention and you’ll notice that everyone is running after their vices full steam. And, really, can you blame them?
Step Eight: Everyone is mad. So mad. So angry at each other. And themselves. This is a surefire sign of the end of times. But, really nowadays, is there anything that you can’t not be bad at? Even double negatives?
Step Nine: I’m bored. Are we still doing this? Were steps 1–8 not enough? Fine. Bird flu. Anti-vaxers. Holocaust and moon landing deniers. 9/11 conspiracy theories. Flat Earthers. The list goes on.
Step Ten: Really, do we even need a Step Ten. One through nine were bad enough and things aren’t getting any better.
