My butt hurts. The reason my butt hurts is because I got a shot there this evening. A shot of antibiotics. And, to be honest, I was quite relieved to get the prognosis of an infection that accompanied said shot. Let me back up and explain:
For the past few weeks, I have been experiencing a...discomfort, if you will, in a very specific location on my body. My groin. Actually, a very specific location on my groin. And this discomfort stayed in that very, very localized area of my body. It started first as a mild, albeit confusing, sensation that occurred once every three or four days at a time. The intensity on the pain scale was between a three and a four. Noticeable, for certain, but entirely infrequent and mild enough to ignore. That, unfortunately, didn't last long.
Soon it escalated to every day. And then multiple times a a day. To then a near constant. Same exact location this entire time; and varying degrees in intensity (never greater than a five on the pain scale). And then last Friday happened.
I was spending the evening with some friends. My stomach was in knots and I was nauseous to the point of fighting throwing up. And that sensation was at a constant six on the pain scale. Basically, it felt like someone (and, pardon the graphic description) was constantly squeezing my left testicle. Then, late evening/early morning hit, just as I was about to get some sleep, I had an attack: the best I can describe is that of the description of a woman having contractions. It lasted for less than five minutes and it spiked to about an eight or nine on the pain scale. I was writhing in pain. The last time I had an episode like that what when I was dealing with my right kidney (which I'll get to in a minute). Fast forward to Saturday night and I had an equally intense attack after another full day of that squeezing sensation. Which is why I made the decision Sunday morning to go to the hospital as soon as possible. Which was today.
Now, before you think of me as the boy who cried wolf, I want you to take three things into consideration: the very specific and unchanging location of this. the gradual to sudden severity of what was happening, and, most importantly, that this is not the first scare that I've had. Back in early to mid 2008, I had a lump on my right kidney. A lump so large that it protruded out of my skin. The symptom were almost identical, including the severity of the attacks. I also attempted to get tested back then; but I didn't have adequate insurance, so I had to go to the ER to get it checked out. To which the nurse who "treated" me (felt it, put pressure on it causing an attack so intense I nearly blacked out from the pain) and then told me I was dehydrated and need to start drinking more water. To this day, I was never fully was tested for cancer and I still have to be careful with my kidneys. Which is precisely why, after the second attack in the span of 24 hours occurred, I made it a point to not repeat history and to legitimately get checked out this time around.
While the prognosis, thank God, was minor (especially compared to what I have been suspecting it was in the days leading up to me seeking medical attention), it did serve as a proper wake up call. Once again, I was faced with the reminder of my own mortality. And, really, not just the fact that my life will end, but the painfully real fact that I have no idea how and when it will end. As I laid on that gurney this afternoon, being taken to receive an ultrasound, it finally sunk in that all the plans I have made are for not if I don't act upon them. The only way I will ever become a published novelist is to sit down and write. The only way I will ever have a family of my own is if I take the risk of dating. The only way I will be able to become financially comfortable is by landing an actual decent job and start investing and saving. And, most importantly, the only way I can live a happy and healthy life is if I finally start taking care of my health and welfare. The full sum of a life is that of actions and consequences. A constant stream of events that span your first and last breath.
The fact of the matter, the one that I was once again brutally reminded of, is that I'm going to die. It could be tomorrow or when I turn 80. Regardless of when it does happen, it, without a doubt, will. Yet, instead of viewing this finality in the lens of hopeless despair, I am choosing now to take full reins of the remaining time allotted to me and to make full use of it. I know what it's like to live with regrets and "what if's". I know, full well, what it's like to go to bed after a wasted day. The hours I spend on Facebook could be hours spent hiking in the woods or helping the poor. Learning a new language or further mastering the one that is native to me. Instead of sitting on the couch, I should be traveling the world. And the last thing I want as I draw my last breath is to be filled with regret from all the chances I was too afraid to take.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
The Time Machine Inside My Head
One of the benefits of being a writer, especially a blogger, is that we're allowed the luxury of introspection. It's entirely expected that we go around contemplating the going-ons of the world we live in. We ruminate equally on the lives of others and of ourselves. Which brings me to tonight's post: the time machine inside my head.
This evening I was in need of a walk to clear my head and to get a slight change in scenery. I didn't want to travel far, so I picked Safeway as my destination. I rarely go there (for no reason, really), so worked perfectly as a mild escape from the day-to-day pattern of life that I have. I took my time going there, ducking into another local market to wander and glanced in a local coffee shop that was barren of customers, but still open, nonetheless. The important factor to keep in mind is that the path I chose and took was down Main Street. I'll get to its importance in a minute.
Anyway, I reached Safeway, strolled around for about ten minutes, and then left. The whole point of this trip was, not to buy anything, but as I mentioned several times, to slip away. While I was in Safeway, I noticed that a local brewery had already released a pumpkin beer, which, now that I think about it, was the trigger to my contemplative journey back. It seems odd at first glance, but it's a subconscious signal of the changing of the seasons; which will eventually lead to the ending of another year. The unrepressible march of time continues forward.
As I began my stroll back, and this is where the importance of Main Street comes into play, I happened to start to approach the new high school. The old high school, the one I went to, was finally demolished this month. Out with the old and in with the new. Very little else has changed (structurally, anyway) on Main Street, but, as a whole, the demise of the old school is just another severed tie that once held my past to my present. The drive-in movie theater closed a few years back. The drive-in restaurant that used to hold a classic car show every Friday was closed down last year. A clothing store that used to sell letterman jackets and school rings finally went out of business this year. An old drug store that was around for 50 years is now a thrift shop that helps the local humane society. Even my 15 year high school reunion, which took place a couple weeks back, only had five people, counting myself. To sum it up, I was meant to move back here just so I could finally close the chapter of my hometown and move away forever.
It's bittersweet, this change. I'm no longer saddened or angered by the drastic spike in crime and meth that has swallowed up a town I used to call home. No, now all I am is just disappointed in the course of events that led to it. I do not grieve as I accept the very real future of me walking away and turning my back to it. It's just a let down that it had to happen this way. That we, as a species, are not allowed to have nice things, because we will only bring them to a ruin. We tarnish what we touch, as if a reverse King Midas. And even now, it what could be claimed as the pinnacle of technological advancement, still cannot get past our petty differences and self inflicted invisible barriers to become one race of people working towards one goal. It is truly this that I lament the most.
The other piece of the puzzle that brought me to this point was something I came across earlier this summer online. It's a picture on Imgur entitled "Only 90's kids will...oh...": http://imgur.com/gallery/uPims It sums up everything that my generation struggles with the most-rapid change. Some quotes from it include: "because so much technological advancement happened in a rapid time frame when we were growing up that we can clearly remember having technologies that are now obsolete..." "Just to add onto that, our childhood wasn't even that technology based. We grew up knowing of chalk, skateboards, jump rope, street hockey, playgrounds, butterfly collecting, etc. Slowly technology took over our lives and now there are hardly kids playing outside in the summer." and finally "Not to mention, ours was the last generation that grew up with all those bright promises of "hard work, go to college, and you'll have a successful life," only to find those hopes abruptly dashed when the housing bubble burst."
You could argue that we as a society have evolved to a point where such technologies are integral; but we're still at a point where random strangers hide behind their keyboards, starting flame wars and spewing hatred to individuals who they have never even met. Or cyber bullying, which is even worse than regular bullying because of how quickly and anonymously is spreads like digital wildfire. Kids and teens have always been ruthless to one another; but entire reputations are destroyed in minutes over rumors spread over Facebook and Instagram. People always ask where the parents are; not considering that they're glued to the same devices their offspring are. We don't talk, we text. We don't laugh, we LOL with a straight face. Why go to a communal movie theater when you can sit alone in your room watching Netflix? We have fully succumbed to mechanical agoraphobia; and it not only happened overnight, it happened without us even realizing it. And we "90's kids" were at the head of the parade that led us down this road.
And the fact of the matter is this: we can no longer control what we have created. This addiction is too entwined for us to ever quit.
As I mentioned before, one of my goals this year was closure. Letting go and moving on from the things that haunt my thoughts and steal the sleep from me. And, it is with much sadness, that I am choosing to walk away from this town and to not look back. While I still hold dear these memories; this town is of no more use to me than the Walkman I once had as a child.
This evening I was in need of a walk to clear my head and to get a slight change in scenery. I didn't want to travel far, so I picked Safeway as my destination. I rarely go there (for no reason, really), so worked perfectly as a mild escape from the day-to-day pattern of life that I have. I took my time going there, ducking into another local market to wander and glanced in a local coffee shop that was barren of customers, but still open, nonetheless. The important factor to keep in mind is that the path I chose and took was down Main Street. I'll get to its importance in a minute.
Anyway, I reached Safeway, strolled around for about ten minutes, and then left. The whole point of this trip was, not to buy anything, but as I mentioned several times, to slip away. While I was in Safeway, I noticed that a local brewery had already released a pumpkin beer, which, now that I think about it, was the trigger to my contemplative journey back. It seems odd at first glance, but it's a subconscious signal of the changing of the seasons; which will eventually lead to the ending of another year. The unrepressible march of time continues forward.
As I began my stroll back, and this is where the importance of Main Street comes into play, I happened to start to approach the new high school. The old high school, the one I went to, was finally demolished this month. Out with the old and in with the new. Very little else has changed (structurally, anyway) on Main Street, but, as a whole, the demise of the old school is just another severed tie that once held my past to my present. The drive-in movie theater closed a few years back. The drive-in restaurant that used to hold a classic car show every Friday was closed down last year. A clothing store that used to sell letterman jackets and school rings finally went out of business this year. An old drug store that was around for 50 years is now a thrift shop that helps the local humane society. Even my 15 year high school reunion, which took place a couple weeks back, only had five people, counting myself. To sum it up, I was meant to move back here just so I could finally close the chapter of my hometown and move away forever.
It's bittersweet, this change. I'm no longer saddened or angered by the drastic spike in crime and meth that has swallowed up a town I used to call home. No, now all I am is just disappointed in the course of events that led to it. I do not grieve as I accept the very real future of me walking away and turning my back to it. It's just a let down that it had to happen this way. That we, as a species, are not allowed to have nice things, because we will only bring them to a ruin. We tarnish what we touch, as if a reverse King Midas. And even now, it what could be claimed as the pinnacle of technological advancement, still cannot get past our petty differences and self inflicted invisible barriers to become one race of people working towards one goal. It is truly this that I lament the most.
The other piece of the puzzle that brought me to this point was something I came across earlier this summer online. It's a picture on Imgur entitled "Only 90's kids will...oh...": http://imgur.com/gallery/uPims It sums up everything that my generation struggles with the most-rapid change. Some quotes from it include: "because so much technological advancement happened in a rapid time frame when we were growing up that we can clearly remember having technologies that are now obsolete..." "Just to add onto that, our childhood wasn't even that technology based. We grew up knowing of chalk, skateboards, jump rope, street hockey, playgrounds, butterfly collecting, etc. Slowly technology took over our lives and now there are hardly kids playing outside in the summer." and finally "Not to mention, ours was the last generation that grew up with all those bright promises of "hard work, go to college, and you'll have a successful life," only to find those hopes abruptly dashed when the housing bubble burst."
You could argue that we as a society have evolved to a point where such technologies are integral; but we're still at a point where random strangers hide behind their keyboards, starting flame wars and spewing hatred to individuals who they have never even met. Or cyber bullying, which is even worse than regular bullying because of how quickly and anonymously is spreads like digital wildfire. Kids and teens have always been ruthless to one another; but entire reputations are destroyed in minutes over rumors spread over Facebook and Instagram. People always ask where the parents are; not considering that they're glued to the same devices their offspring are. We don't talk, we text. We don't laugh, we LOL with a straight face. Why go to a communal movie theater when you can sit alone in your room watching Netflix? We have fully succumbed to mechanical agoraphobia; and it not only happened overnight, it happened without us even realizing it. And we "90's kids" were at the head of the parade that led us down this road.
And the fact of the matter is this: we can no longer control what we have created. This addiction is too entwined for us to ever quit.
As I mentioned before, one of my goals this year was closure. Letting go and moving on from the things that haunt my thoughts and steal the sleep from me. And, it is with much sadness, that I am choosing to walk away from this town and to not look back. While I still hold dear these memories; this town is of no more use to me than the Walkman I once had as a child.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
The Changing of the Season
August, for whatever reason, tends to be the one month out of the year that is a catalyst for change. Maybe it's the beginning of the transition from Summer to Autumn. Maybe it's the fact that the year is now over half over and any change that hasn't happened yet needs to hurry up and start. Maybe it's left over from when I was in school and August meant starting school in September; thus the beginning of another cycle in my life. I'm not sure why this particular month is a powerful change agent, but it is and (from what I recall) always has been.
This has been a busy summer for me. Much has happened in a short amount of time. Some good, some bad, some events quite unexpected. But through the apparent chaos of it, I have been at relative peace with life. I am no longer "a hearse, carrying dead hurts" (Mostly Prove Me Wrong by Fiction Family). I've made it a point this year to bring closure to my past as best as I can. With malice towards none, I move forward with my life; only making time for those who choose to be in my life. What free time I have is precious to me and I would rather spend time with someone that respects that. That way, those who choose not to spend time with me close that door all on their own. No bridges are burned that way, either. I no longer take it personal when someone doesn't want to spend their time with me. It, quite simply, is what it is.
On the flipside, I'm not closing that door for anyone, either. I've already spent some time with a few friends who I haven't seen in years. If someone, anyone really, wants to be in my life, all they have to do is reach out and make the effort. I'm more than willing to meet them halfway and bridge any gap there is between us. Friendship is extremely important to me; and I would hate to think that I have lost one forever.
Speaking of transition, career wise, it looks like I will be working once again in Seattle. Every recruiter I have talked to recently is there. Every job and company I have looked at is there. I'm feeling the pull to transition north and I'm not getting in my own way. There's a lot of opportunity there and I feel like that is where the next chapter in my life will begin. If that means living up there as well, well only time and life will tell. I honestly don't know where I will wind up, but I know when the next phase begins, everything will fall into place pretty much overnight. That is how it has been happening for a while now-life stagnant for months at a time and then change just up and happening all at once. At least this time around I'm seeing the signs before they happen.
Speaking of the unexpected happening and seeing the signs beforehand, I know that I won't be single for much longer. No specific individual comes to mind, but the pieces are falling into place for me to enter into a relationship. With the stabilizing of my life just around the corner and the fact that I'm no longer fighting the urge to date (I'm not going to date someone when nothing is working out for me. If I'm not stable in my own life, I'm not going to bring turbulence into someone else's.). And, while I do have an affinity for finding the fairer sex, something tells me it's going to be someone I know already. I just have no idea who.
Another itch I'm about to scratch is my urge to write. Not just blog, but an honest to goodness novel. Or even just a collection of short stories. I have so many ideas rattling around in my head that I cannot wait to turn them into a book. I've even considered selecting some of these posts and putting them into an anthology to essays (think David Sedaris). If I do go that route, I'm going to have to flesh out the ones I select so they're longer in length. Which I'm cool with doing. Regardless of the route I go, it's going to have to happen soon. The desire to create is palpable.
The seasons of life are about to change. With the cooling of the temperatures and the return of the rain, so also begins another cycle of metamorphosis. I shed the cocoon once more, spread my wings, and take another flight of faith.
This has been a busy summer for me. Much has happened in a short amount of time. Some good, some bad, some events quite unexpected. But through the apparent chaos of it, I have been at relative peace with life. I am no longer "a hearse, carrying dead hurts" (Mostly Prove Me Wrong by Fiction Family). I've made it a point this year to bring closure to my past as best as I can. With malice towards none, I move forward with my life; only making time for those who choose to be in my life. What free time I have is precious to me and I would rather spend time with someone that respects that. That way, those who choose not to spend time with me close that door all on their own. No bridges are burned that way, either. I no longer take it personal when someone doesn't want to spend their time with me. It, quite simply, is what it is.
On the flipside, I'm not closing that door for anyone, either. I've already spent some time with a few friends who I haven't seen in years. If someone, anyone really, wants to be in my life, all they have to do is reach out and make the effort. I'm more than willing to meet them halfway and bridge any gap there is between us. Friendship is extremely important to me; and I would hate to think that I have lost one forever.
Speaking of transition, career wise, it looks like I will be working once again in Seattle. Every recruiter I have talked to recently is there. Every job and company I have looked at is there. I'm feeling the pull to transition north and I'm not getting in my own way. There's a lot of opportunity there and I feel like that is where the next chapter in my life will begin. If that means living up there as well, well only time and life will tell. I honestly don't know where I will wind up, but I know when the next phase begins, everything will fall into place pretty much overnight. That is how it has been happening for a while now-life stagnant for months at a time and then change just up and happening all at once. At least this time around I'm seeing the signs before they happen.
Speaking of the unexpected happening and seeing the signs beforehand, I know that I won't be single for much longer. No specific individual comes to mind, but the pieces are falling into place for me to enter into a relationship. With the stabilizing of my life just around the corner and the fact that I'm no longer fighting the urge to date (I'm not going to date someone when nothing is working out for me. If I'm not stable in my own life, I'm not going to bring turbulence into someone else's.). And, while I do have an affinity for finding the fairer sex, something tells me it's going to be someone I know already. I just have no idea who.
Another itch I'm about to scratch is my urge to write. Not just blog, but an honest to goodness novel. Or even just a collection of short stories. I have so many ideas rattling around in my head that I cannot wait to turn them into a book. I've even considered selecting some of these posts and putting them into an anthology to essays (think David Sedaris). If I do go that route, I'm going to have to flesh out the ones I select so they're longer in length. Which I'm cool with doing. Regardless of the route I go, it's going to have to happen soon. The desire to create is palpable.
The seasons of life are about to change. With the cooling of the temperatures and the return of the rain, so also begins another cycle of metamorphosis. I shed the cocoon once more, spread my wings, and take another flight of faith.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)