Starry Night (April 21st, 2015)

Fallen.
The stars above me leave trails
As they cascade from their celestial homes
To the undeserving earthly resting place
Their journey leaves a brief fiery remembrance of their former brilliance
Settling for one last pathway before resting forevermore.

I follow them.
My path is just as disorganized as theirs
My thoughts lead me to a rambling trek towards locations unknown
I have no purpose other than to purge myself
Rid and shake the persistent pesky thoughts that hang on
Their only desire is to lead me astray from a bright future
 Their only intention is to drag me back to the past that refuses to let me go
I have walked these paths before, yet my feet bring me back once more

I shall follow them into the dark
I leave behind the lights that guide me home
My sojourn is mine and mine alone
I am safe to follow the footsteps that bring me the comfort
Of infinity

Pausing, I marvel at their beauty
Orion and Andromeda are briefly specked with streaks of celestial kamikazes
They surrender to their fate and leave a final mark before their final sleep
This fate
This eventual pull towards the inevitable
The odyssey that all living things must eventually make
Some day, I will join my starry friends

Yet, I have more sand in my glass than they do
While my time here trickles ever south
I still pull breath into my lungs
I still have life to live
My journey has not come to an end, just yet
So I will make the most of the calendar
That marks my destiny and my dynasty

Until such time
As I join them
My fallen friends.

The Molehill and the Mountain

Alright, I do believe it's time to unveil the big news: as of a week ago today, I accepted an offer from a start-up company in Seattle (remaining nameless for now) and I am finally moving on to much greener pastures. This is an amazing start to a truly phenomenal venture. I will say that the company has only been live for two years, but they are growing exponentially to the point where they are moving into their third location to accommodate for their growth. I will say that it is a massive breath of fresh air to finally be a giant asset to a company; as opposed to just another employee on their payroll.

During the interview (with the interviewer turning out to be one of the co-founders of the company and the current COO. So, yeah...) she asked me various questions about how hard I work and how dedicated I am. She asked me if I had a choice between working only 30 hours a week or 60+ hours a week, I immediately answered 60+. Which, I'm not going to lie, is absolutely true. I would rather work 60+ hours a week and make a significant difference with a company than 30 hours a week and just coast. That's just the person I am and the work ethic that I have. I told her that I would much rather summit a mountain than crest a molehill. I was also blunt with her when I told her that I felt most of my previous employers were just molehills and that I was ever in search of a company where I could actually make that difference. Where I could give it my all and climb that mountain.

I love a solid challenge. I do. When I was in school, if there was ever a teacher (and there were plenty who were this way) that really didn't expect much out of their students, I would coast, not really do my homework, and get low to average grades. But, the teachers who challenged me. The teachers who told me up front that I had to crack down, work hard, and they would expect nothing less than an A out of me, well those were the classes I did get A's in. You push me hard and tell me to give it my all and I will do exactly that. Don't give me a molehill, because I have no desire to mess with them. Give me a mountain and tell me that I need to summit it and you will see me reach its zenith.  Especially if there is an impending deadline and the chips are down. When the odds are against me and things are looking bleak-that is when you will see me push my hardest and shine. Give me something to prove and, by God, I will prove it.

To be completely honest, the thought of this intimidates me. This is a start-up. The company has only been "live" for two years. In full honesty, there is zero, absolutely zero job security. There's still a lot of bugs and a lot of kinks. But there is so much growth. Easily more an all the other companies I have worked for, combined. I know that every day that I work, I will make a dramatic impact, good or bad, on this company. My failures are the company's failures. My successes are theirs as well. This is my Everest. My K-2. My Denali. There are a million ways for me to fail, which is why I'm going to do everything within my power to succeed. This company is the capstone of my career and there is no turning back now.

The "Cool Kids" (or Why I Love Blogging)

So, mind you, this is a late night post, so if I seem to go on random tangents, that's why. Although, if you're familiar with the blog at all, I'm guessing you're more than familiar with my random tangents. I will, as always, try and wrap it up at the end, so fear not.


I am human. Shocking, I know, but before you start with the sarcastic comments that have popped into your head, hear me out. The reason why I love blogging and why I willfully share my life with the world is that I am, in fact, human. I make mistakes, some small, some not so much. I get angry, moody, happy, and bored. With each post, you get to take a look at what is not only happening in my life, but also what is going through my head. You see my struggles and my triumphs. My victories and defeats. While what you read are words on a screen, the one who put them there is a living, breathing soul who is, in many ways, just like you. So when I share an experience, it is so others, such as yourself, can relate. When I share some epiphanies, it is so you may grow from them as I have. In short, I do this as much for myself as I do for you. This is more than just a digital journal, it is my symbiotic relationship with the rest of the world.

One topic I discuss, both frequently and deliberately, is my ever-struggle with depression. After we lost Robin Williams last year, I decided to make it a point to share that aspect of my life in hopes that others who are battling the same thing that I am know that they are not alone. If I can get through the hard days, so can you. Don't get me wrong-I've gone through hell. I have been pushed, many a time to give up and give in to the darkness. I have been on the brink and fought back because the last thing I would ever do is hurt those who love me. It's not easy. Far, far, far from it. But, as Winston Churchill so beautifully put it: "If you're going through hell, keep going."

What sparked this particular blog post was that I was listening to music on my phone and the song Cool Kids by Echosmith came on. If you're not familiar with it, I highly, highly recommend listening to it. Because, beneath the poppy beat and the angelic voice of the singer lies some of the best lyrics I have ever heard in a song:

"She sees them walking in a straight line/ That's not really her style"
"Nothing in this world could/ Ever bring them down/ Yeah they're invincible, and she's just in the back ground"
"I wish that I could be like the cool kids/ 'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in"
"He sees them talking with a big smile/ But they haven't got a clue"
"Yeah, they're living the good life/ Can't see what he's going through"
"They're driving fast cars/ But they don't know where they're going/ In the fast lane/ Living life without knowing"
"I wish that I could be like the cool kids/ 'Cause all the cool kids they seem to get it/ I wish I could be like the cool kids/ The cool kids"

All my life, I have never been one of the "cool kids". My family didn't have a lot of money, so we didn't have a lot of nice things like all the other kids did. I was also rather short and definitely scrawny for my age; and most of the time I have glasses that were way too big for my face. In high school, I was a library aid and theater tech for three years, and on the newspaper for two. But, by the grace of God, I never fully realized that I was a nerd and thus, hung out with everyone. I wasn't a part of any particular cliche, but I hung out with everyone from the goths to the jocks. From the science geeks to the cheerleaders.

Why? Because I was one of them. No matter who I was with, I was a part of that group. Why? Because, at the end of the day, we're all human. And we're all just trying to figure this life out.

I'll let you in on a big secret: The "cool kids" are just as lost and confused as you are. The cool kids have their struggles and their defeats. Sure, they may seem happier than everyone else, but they're still human. They're still imperfect. And, at the end of the day, they're no different than you.

This also goes for the celebrities that we put on pedestals: also human. So, the next time that you look at a tabloid and see some "shocking revelation" about some famous person, realize that they're just trying to figure out this life too. Realize that they're human and they make mistakes. They just so happen to have a camera shoved in their face 24/7. Would you want a camera in your business day in and day out?

The point I'm trying to make is that we all, in some way, shape or form, are broken. It doesn't matter if the person reading this is in a million dollar mansion or living on the streets. No one, not one, is perfect. So, if these little slivers of my life and the insights I have gained from them help you, then I know that I have served my purpose once more.

So, until next time, take care of yourself and stop beating yourself up. This life is hard enough. You'll get through the storms if you allow yourself. And I can promise you it's quite beautiful on the other side.

The Lens of Life

Today's post is going to be a heavy one. The topic: Perspective.

The current population clock for the world is over 7 billion people. That's a lot. There is a birth every 8 seconds and a death every 12 seconds. Life moves that quickly.

Now, over 7 billion people is a pretty intense figure, but, to put it in perspective, I picked six events in the 20th century (World War I, the Spanish Flu, World War II, Korean War, Vietnam War, and the Rwandan Genocide) and looked up the death tolls for each of them. And, for the record, most of these are estimated totals. Here goes:

World War I (1914-1918): 16 million deaths
Spanish Flu Pandemic (1918): 50 million deaths
World War II (1939-1945): 50 million, but possibly as high as 85 million deaths
Korean War (1950-1953): 1,577,000 (1.5 million) deaths
Vietnam War (1954-1975): 3.6 million deaths
Rwandan Genocide (100 day period between April 7th, 1994-mid July 1994): 1 million deaths

Grand total: 157,177,000 (or over 157 million) deaths. I calculated on the high end for World War II because it sounds like a  more accurate number-all things considered. Again, keep in mind, this was just from six events that took place during the last century.

Suddenly 7 billion people doesn't sound like a lot.

The point I'm trying to make is that we focus too much on what we perceive to be our realities. With how fast paced the world has become (a giant portion of that is due to our modern technology and the control we allow it to have over our daily lives), we don't stop and take time to reflect on ourselves and also our relationships with others. It's far easier to "connect" with someone over Facebook than it is to take the time to meet up with them in person or give them a phone call (not just text-where you lose the sound of another person's voice).

Perception can only happen when you are still enough to let it happen. Not just inner self perspective, but also when you seek the advice of others. If you do not listen, you do not gain their perspective on the situation. Our lens on life is ever changing due to the events that occur within it. Even the small things, such as attending a house party or even just a quick phone chat with a friend can change how you view everything that is occurring in the brief, finite bubble that is your perceived reality.

So, dear reader, that is my request to you. Stop whatever you're doing and look at everything that is happening as if it were happening through the window of a store. Separate yourself mentally from your circumstances and look at it from an outside view. If that means taking a walk to think about your life, do it. If that means meditating or writing down everything that is going on in your life, do it. Once you have done this, stop and think about what you have discovered about yourself and your circumstances.

The answers may surprise you.

Growing Up Isn't What It Used To Be

There's a line in the song Ribs (by Lorde) "I've never felt more alone. It feels so scary getting old." This nails it for me. Right on the head. The plans I made for my life are crumpled paper in the rubbish bin. The goals I had made when I was in high school are completely gone; blown away by the winds of my past. The future is a four way stop in front of me and there's not a single road sign telling me which direction to go. And the saddest part about this all is the lack of a passenger to join me on this helter skelter journey.

Now, don't get me wrong-it's not that I lack direction. Just the opposite, actually. I still know that I was put forth upon this earth to help others and to put words to pages. Both of which I do as much as I possibly can. The rest however... The rest is a fog covered parking lot at night. As much as I project the illusion that I have my shit together, I really don't.

A friend of mine asked me recently how many jobs I've had in my life. Thirteen, if my memory serves me right. Possibly fourteen. Maybe even fifteen, if I stop and think about it. In the professional world, that could make me a liability; but the truth of the matter is that I'm a dedicated hard worker. The issue has been companies that I've worked for and the bosses I've had. Not to mention I've had my share of seasonal jobs. The first company that I worked for right out of high school I remained with for six and a half years until the company folded. To this day it was and is the best job I've ever had; and the one I had the most promotions with. But since then, I've never held a position for more than a year and a half (with the exception of a temp agency that periodically sent me assignments).

I'm at the point where I need some stability in my life. During the time I was in Texas, I was actually in the process of settling down and finally moving forward with my life. Yet, there were some circumstances (mainly caused by me being desperately homesick the entire time I was down there) that brought me back to the Pacific Northwest. Where I became an aimless tumbleweed once more. I'm tired of it and I'm way too old for it. I'm not in my 20's anymore, where not having a clue about your future is par for the course. I both need and want a stable career; and believe it or not, a steady relationship. Mr. Bachelor is looking for his +1.

I love to travel. I love to hike and slip away and escape. But that should be stuff for my days off-not a state of being. Being a vagabond is fun at first, but quickly gets stale and tiresome. If you had told me when I was 18 that I would still be single in my 30s, I would have laughed at you and told you that you were crazy. If you had told me when I was 20 and already months into my first real job that I would be bouncing around professional ten years later, I would have looked at you like you were insane.

It's not entirely my fault. The economy took a serious nose dive towards the end of the 2000s (to put it mildly) and this region took a serious hit. 2011, the year I turned 30, I could barely hold a job for more than a month or so. Work was impossible to get-which was that catalyst for me to move to Texas. Even now, four years later, the stats don't truly show how bad the economy and job market still is. There's job growth, sure, but wages are so stagnant they might as well be gathering flies. And upward mobility within a company is a sad, morbid joke. A classic example of this is a friend of mine who has a Master's in International Management. She works for Walgreens. And recruiters aren't exactly knocking down her door trying to hire her. This is someone who should be making six figures and she's barely making ends meat.

As I mentioned in my previous post, my life is currently in Limbo. There's something in the works that will be changing my life drastically for the better. It's just the period in between that is chalk full of hurry-up-and-wait. I'm not exactly a patient person (to put it mildly), but this I'm still biding my time while the wheels keep turning in my favor. Fortune favors the bold; and so does diligent perseverance. The moral of the story is that things are getting better. I'm just residing between a turbulent past and a future that is about to rocket forward.

Pants.

So, for whatever reason, I have a strong urge to write. Problem is, there isn't a single topic I feel like writing about. My life is pretty much in Limbo at the moment, so there isn't much I can go into at this point in time. Today is Easter, but my brain isn't allowing me to wax philosophical. Even though I am slightly decaffeinated at the moment (there's coffee in the pot, but I have yet to pour it into my cup), my health is pretty much good to go. Even the migraine that has been touch and go over the past week is currently at bay (thank God!). Even the weather isn't doing anything impressive.

This, as my fellow artists know, happens. It's not quite writer's block, because the urge to create is there, but it's completely void of inspiration or even direction. Instead of ignoring the urge (which I highly recommend never doing), I'm going to put words on my page until something strikes my fancy. This post, in full honesty, is about absolutely nothing. Which means you're about to indulge upon my most random thoughts. Here goes:

"I never said it would be easy, I just said it would be worth it." People associate this quote with Jesus. Yet, it was Mae West who said it. True story.

I admit that I miss living in Texas, but only aspects of it. And I could never live there full time ever again. If I were to ever become wealthy enough, I would divide half the year to living in the Pacific Northwest (either Washington or Oregon. Perhaps even British Columbia) and the other have in the San Antonio area of Texas. That way I would have the best of both worlds.

I love to travel. To the extent that I try and leave the state at least once a year. This year, it's also my goal to finally get a passport.

While I have spent most of my adult life as a perpetual bachelor, I would have no problems settling down and even getting married. The big issue with this is, well, I'm exceedingly independent. I'm also a rather stubborn individual. Both of these make me rather difficult to love; and I am the first to admit this. 

The American Civil War has never interested me. Actually, most of the 19th century American history I could care less about.  Basically any time between the end of the War of 1812 and the presidency of Theodore Roosevelt bores me to tears. As much as I love history, I'm okay with not knowing much about this time period. On the flipside, the late 1800's England is rather fascinating.

Levi Spears Parmly, a dentist from New Orleans, is credited with inventing the first form of dental floss in 1815. Have you flossed today? I haven't.

Cuba is the only island in the Caribbean to have a railroad. Which means even Jamaica doesn't have a railroad.

11% of the world is left-handed. I am part of the 11%.

On average, two newborns will be given to the wrong parents every single day. That's rather disconcerting, if you stop and think about it.

Beethoven dipped his head in cold water before he composed. Since he was deaf, the water in his ears helped him feel the vibrations coming from the piano.

At latitude 60 degrees south, you can sail all the way around the world.

Ok, the urge is gone. I bid you all a good day and I hope you are having a wonderful Easter. Until next time, I bid you ado.

Sin Boldly

"What motivates you?" was a question I was asked recently in a job interview. This is a rather common inquiry that hiring managers have for their potential candidates; and for good reason. "Drive" is something that cannot be taught, and an employee without it is a wasted commodity. And having been a manager myself, I know just how crucial it is to have a team of highly motivated individuals. I also know what it is like to have a team of individuals who are clearly there just to earn a paycheck.
Martin Luther, in his 95 Theses that he nailed to the church in Wittenberg in 1517, clearly had a bone to pick with the Catholic Church. This is rather significant, not only because it was the initial catalyst that brought about Protestantism, but also because Martin Luther, himself, was a Augustinian monk at the time. Not just a theologian, but a full fledged monk with the Catholic church. And it was the actions of the church that bothered him so much that he took the time to write out the 95 grievances that the church was bestowing upon the world. One of these was the selling of "indulgences"-basically you could sin as much as you want, and for the right price, the Church will absolve all your sins. For the right price, that is.
What does Martin Luther have to do with the topic at hand? Everything. Here is a man who is in such a moral outrage over the practices of the very church he belonged to that he not only hand wrote all 95 Theses, but multiple copies of them. The first copy he historically (although now recently debated if he actually did) nailed to the door of the All Saints' Church in Wittenberg, Saxony (now a part of Germany). The significance of this particular location was that it held one of Europe's largest collections of holy relics. On the same day that he did that, he mailed a copy to the Archbishop Albert of Mainz (who was in charge of the sale of indulgences) as well as to the bishop of Brandenburg, who was a superior of Luther's at the time. Simply, Luther was a man full of both drive and determination to save the very soul of his church.
To quote (and also paraphrase) Luther, "If you are a preacher of mercy, do not preach an imaginary, but the true mercy...God does not save those who are imaginary sinners. Be a sinner, and let your sins be strong (sin boldly)...We will commit sins while we are here, for this life is not a place where justice resides. We, however, says Peter, are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth where justice will reign."
Sin boldly. Let that sink in. This life is short and ever full on uncertainty. As Gandhi famously put it "Be the change you want to see in the world." Don't wait for the permission of other to be great. Instead, be the example that others see when they think of greatness. It is never too late to take that leap of faith and fly.