The Dirge and the Wedding Song

At my dad's funeral, they played Landslide by Fleetwood Mac. Now, my dad, my parent and a large part of who I was as a person, had just passed away suddenly. What those attending the funeral didn't know was, around the time of his death, the Dixie Chicks had made a cover of the song that was played on pretty much every station on the radio. Which, coincidentally, was my introduction to the song. So when I heard that being played, it rippedy heart out completely.

The reason I bring this up is there is a third rendition. One done by the Smashing Pumpkins. A version so beautiful that, should (IF) I ever get married, I want it played at my wedding. And, when (it's a solid when) I die, I want it at my funeral. 

Now this might sound really odd; but also take into the fact that Amazing Grace fits both occasions, as well as Somewhere Over The Rainbow. The joining of lives together and the loss of one are the two most significant things that can happen to you. Just short of having a child, any way. These three songs fit both occasions perfectly.

Honestly, I'm not sure where I was going with this, other than I've already picked out the songs for my funeral. So, there you go. Night.

A Gentle Reminder

Sorry I haven't been posting as much as I normally do. It's been a pretty hectic January, which much going on. The days have been a blur, from one day to the next, with the lone exception of my birthday, which was a couple days ago. I still have had only one day off since Christmas, but I'm finally at the point where I don't care any more. Things, in a bizarre kind of way, are really looking up. And that's what this post is about.

In full disclosure, this post isn't just about me. A lot of people I know are feeling overwhelmed and carrying huge burdens on their shoulders. But, instead of snapping at each other like they were last month, there's just a lost, desperate look in their eyes. That is what this post is about.

At the end of this post is a picture I found on Facebook last week. I saved it on my phone because it's something I need to remind myself of. Sometimes daily. Sometimes more frequent than that. The picture, as I'm sure you can see, is words and a glass of water. Once you finish reading it, I want you to repeat the last sentence. It doesn't matter if it's twice, five times or ten. But I want that point to sink in. Because, as one wise person once put it "The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself."

No Longer Running

We humans fear success as much, if not more than we do failure. We do. Change, especially big, important change is the ultimate unknown. As complex as our brains are and completely able to handle the greatest abstract with ease; as soon as something equally complex, but real, comes along, our brains shut down and fear is kicked in. Anything that actually changes our reality is met with opposition. 

There's a girl I'm interested in, but I'm not going to follow through with it. Mainly because she has a boyfriend and I neither cheat or poach. It's not who I am. The other reason is the reality behind it. She's a caring, sweet girl with a lot of complicated things on her plate. None of that phases me in the slightest. Lord knows the last thing I have is a simple life. But the reality that it would become a genuine relationship, and maybe even a big one, scares me. Even though I know she wouldn't leave another scar on my heart; even the remote possibility of it happening is enough for me to stand back.

Here's the flipside, though. Unlike in the past, if she were to pursue it, I would go for it. Fear be damned, I would push past and take my chance. IF she were to say that she broke up with her boyfriend and would be interested in seeing a movie or something, I would. Only then, though. I know what it's like to be cheated on, so I'm not going to poach someone else's girlfriend. And I'm not going to pursue someone who's only looking for a friend (which I'm more than happy to be).

Like most things in life, there's only a small window of opportunity for this to happen. I really haven't told anyone this, but this past Tuesday I put in my two weeks notice at work. This girl work right near me; and the liklihood of me going back to that mall, at all really, is slim to none. Ethically, morally, I cannot remain with this company (especially everything that has happened within the past week).   I also know she's mostly in her way out, which I don't fault her for in the slightest. So the opportunity for ANYTHING to happen has to happen in ten days or less. And, to be fully honest, if the opportunity arises to leave sooner, I'm taking it without a second thought. I'm done. 

Retail has always been my safety net; but I'm cutting the strings at last. To others, it will look like I'm falling, but the reality is that this is a leap of faith. To a better future. To a better reality than what I have now. I'm severing the occupational umbilical cord and finally becoming the person I was meant to be. I'm no longer running away from me.

Living With the Demon

"Some day soon we all will be together. If the Fates allow. Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow." -Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

A friend of mine almost killed himself tonight. I watched the drama unfold on Facebook and (thankfully) a mutual friend intervened and saved his life. If she hadn't come for him when she did, he would have jumped off the bridge and taken his own life.

It seems a lot of people I know are going through some heavy stuff right now. I know of two separate people who broke up with their significant others on New Year's Eve. For good reason, mind you, but still a major coincidence. There's the friend who almost killed himself; and I'm pretty certain his relationship is over with his girlfriend. Then the attempted break-in just before New Year's with me and my aunt. Everyone I come across is extremely unhappy and to the point where we're at each other's throats. Which is unusual, because normally people are a lot calmer after the post-holiday stress is off their shoulders and many people begin resolutions to improve their lives. I personally am on the edge of falling into a deep depression; and if it wasn't for the drastic increase in my vitamin intake, I probably would have gone over that edge already.

Speaking of which, I feel for my friend. I know exactly what it's like to be in that place mentally, because I've been there quite a few times. I've never taken that final step because there's always been someone there to intervene. It wouldn't surprise me if I get to that place soon, again-especially with an upcoming birthday (which is never guaranteed to be a good day. Sometimes it is. Other times, well...). I'm not going to, mind you, because I know how many people it would hurt and I would never intentionally hurt someone. But the darkness is beginning to unfold and one of the classic signs (the disappearance of my appetite) has already begun. Thankfully, I'm recognizing the signs and, as I said before, I've amped up my vitamin intake to combat it. So far, so good.

The hardest thing someone with depression can do is talk about it. We speak not of the devil that is dragging us down. Instead, with our silence, we allow it to consume us. That is why I post about it so much. I know what it's like to let the darkness all consume me and if I don't shed light on it by talking about it, I know it will claim me. Just like it almost claimed my friend tonight.

The Question of "Why"

It's a vague memory of mine, but I think I was ten at the time, when I was sitting in the car with my dad and he asked me why I believed in God. My dad, mind you, was a staunch Christian and leading a Bible study at the time. Briefly had a church of his own (unofficially). I told him that I believed in God because he did. He told me that wasn't good enough and then proceeded to play devil's advocate and tried for over an hour to convince me there was no God and we just evolved. He wouldn't relent at all and forced me to make my case. He threw scientific arguments at me and I did the same back to him. I held my ground and, I believe, in the end, I won that round.

Now, this may sound completely strange to you, considering his faith and all, but also take into consideration it was Dad who taught me chess. Not once did he let me win and I can't really say I ever beat him. I tried and my game improved expedentially, but he always won in the end. He wanted us (my sister and I) to believe for just reason. To "question everything and hold fast what is good" (1 Thessolonians 5:21). He wanted us to not only believe what we believed in, but why we did . 

Now, this struck true with me. I'm a philosopher at heart; not an engineer. I could care less how a clock works. What I really want to know is why time is important in the first place. If the "how's" explain and justify the "whys" of this life, then awesome. But I'll still question it until I research it for myself. 

This is why I don't let anyone off the hook. I'm a high school graduate. I passed (barely, and by the skin of my teeth). But I was studying quantum physics before it was a mainstream term. Dad, who was probably on par with me academically (which isn't saying much), taught me chess, the love of astronomy, and to question always. By societal terms, we were just a bunch of backwater bumkins who just happen to be savants. The reality is that, by questioning all, we became much smarter than anyone ever gave us credit for.