The Fables We Live

"A story has no beginning or end; arbitrarily one chooses that moment of experience from which to look back or from which to look ahead." - Graham Greene (The End of the Affair, 1951)

We humans like to imagine that our lives are this one linear path; when the truth of the matter is that the points between life and death are hardly that. The grand selection of roads that we travel on during the journey from crib to coffin is staggering if you stop and think about it. Even the most boring individual has loved, laughed and mourned multiple times in their lives. Children have begat from two strangers who just so happen to be in the throws of passion. A slight mistake from one individual can lead to the demise of another. Relationships and careers begin and end and begin once again numerous times. Random excursions become daily routines and more random excursions occur to break the monotony of daily existence. 

Not all the roads we travel are highways and dead ends. Most of life lies somewhere in-between. 

I started this blog on a whim and its continued success and existence surprises even me. It helps that I have no agenda for it beyond just telling the story of my life as it occurs. I make no illusion of perfection and I try and be as honest about my shortcomings as I can be. I disclose much; but also refrain when the need arises. You could easily make the case that I write about everything and nothing at the same time - and be correct in doing so. And the full reason I continue on is simple: to tell my story.

You see, we as a species need stories just as much as we need food, water, and air. Whether it's in the form of a song, a play, a novel, or a painting; we need an escape from our realities and the ability to dive into others. In this modern age, we have the luxury of ebooks, blogs and vlogs, podcasts, and Netflix; but they all fulfill the same need.  it's fact or fiction matters not. Honestly, not even the quality of it matters (our "guilty pleasures"). But, nevertheless, as much as we need the stories that are told, we need those who tell them. I was born a storyteller and I honestly don't feel fulfilled unless I am telling one. My existence is but one speck of sand in a universe of beaches, but the fact that it's narrated draws others to it. And so, my story continues.

The point I'm trying to get at is that you don't have to be famous or a historical figure to have your story told. I have encouraged friends, family, and even strangers to start blogging. We all have facets of our existences that are fascinating to someone else. Lessons we have learned (or should) and mistakes that we overcome that someone else needs in their life. Storytelling is an integral part of the building of relationships and communities. And, let's be honest: it's what we need to keep us sane in this utterly chaotic world that we live in. And I can personally attest to how completely cathartic it is. To purge what is on my heart and dwelling in my mind is freeing - to say the very least. It keeps the demons at bay, helps me work out problems that seem too insurmountable, and even allow me to see the opportunities that are staring me in the face. 

So, long story short, we all have a story to tell. We all have lives that matter to others - even to individuals whom we may never meet. But, unless you tell your story, it remains with you until the very end. Because, even the most skilled biographer cannot truly tell your story for you.

The Only Thing That Changed Was Everything

So, first off, bear with me. I've been awake since five in the morning and have barely had a nap. So I'm going to make this as coherent as humanly possible. Bear with me. Also factor in that it's been a bit of a long week. I'll be going into further detail in this post.

In short, my life is once again in transition. When is it not is the real question. But, this particular transition is a solid good one. A future building (I hope) one. You see, I have a new career.

Now, before you roll your eyes and say "here we go again"; this one is truly a solid one. Why, you may ask yourself? Because it's not sales. Plain and simple. I have accepted a position as a Inventory Control Officer at a local hardware store. A Monday through Friday position. Early morning into early afternoon. Full time. Zero commute (which, if you recall, has been a serious issue).

Which lead me to put in my notice at Barnes and Noble. I'm not going to lie - it was much harder than I originally anticipated. Despite the struggles with the schedule, commute, and lack of hours and pay, I made fast friends there and loved being back in the literary environment. That doesn't mean I won't ever go back (in fact, I gave them a three week notice, not the standard two), it just means I will be a common consumer when I do.

Which also means that for the next few weeks I'll be juggling two jobs and working multi-week shifts. It may sound odd, but I kinda miss doing that. Sometimes I wonder if it's the insane work schedule that keeps me sane.

So, what does this mean for you, dear reader? Plenty, actually. Meaning, I'm going to start blogging regularly again. And writing other things. And getting published...

You see, one of my first goals of this year is to turn my blog posts into a book. A modern day memoir, if you will. Not just this blog, but also my first one, a few chosen from LinkedIn; and even some poetry that I posted on Facebook, once upon a time. The title is going to be "A Life Less Ordinary" (which, yes, is one of my posts on here - and I will include it). There will be a plethora of material, so, deciding what material is harder than expected (I've already begun the process). I have already decided to self publish (for now) and offer it as both a digital copy and a physical copy. Give the reader a choice as to the format they desire.

Speaking of writing, oh yes, there will be plenty of that happening.  I still have two NaNoWriMo projects I plan on finishing and starting the process of publishing. Plus, there's NaNoWriMo this coming November, as well. I'm using that to write the first book in my fantasy series. Seven books will be in there. And, most importantly, I still have the goal of writing the next Great American Novel. Especially since Harper Lee (To Kill A Mockingbird) passed today. No clue what that plot will be.

In summary, the only thing that has changed is everything. And, from what I can tell, it's all for the better. As my roommate summarized last night, this year will prove to be an epic one for me. But, it's in my hands to prove that to be true.

The Check Engine Light

About 48 or so hours ago, I was in pretty rough shape. A bug (I'm unsure if it was food poisoning or an actual virus) had brought me to my knees and I was violently ill. Twice. I'll spare you any further details; but I spent the vast majority of the following day flat on my back, sweating, sleeping, and feeling like I was dying. I was completely void of energy and entirely weak. Which, if have ever met me, you would know how much it takes for me to even sit for long periods of time.

So, in short, I was once again reminded of an irrefutable fact: I'm mortal.

Pair this with the health scare I had last year and the return of the spontaneous migraines and that means the little yellow light on my health's dashboard is starting to light up. And, believe it or not, I do actually listen to the cues my body gives me when something is up. I may not react in a timely fashion, but I do know when something starts to go wrong. For the most part, anyway.

Here's where the good news comes in: I'm going to be doing something about this. Many things, actually. The first is that I'm finally going to get back into my water regiment. Three liters a day is the goal. Second (and this will surprise more than a few of you) is that I'm going to start resting when I can. Letting my body and mind repair itself while I do nothing. It's going to be tough; but it's more than necessary. On the flip side, I'm also going to get back into biking and hiking. Soak up all the clean air in the woods and let the serenity of my environment envelope me. I may even get back into swimming (if I can find a pool).

And...I'm going to start going to the doctors. For check ups and maybe even blood work. Going to start taking my vitamins and medicine. I'm going to start treating my body like I'm only going to live once; and I need it to last as long as it can. I'm going to start taking care of myself and also letting others take care of me. As hard as that's going to be. I am nothing, if not stubborn...

I'm not old, by any means, but if I don't start taking care of myself, I never will be. And that is not a fate I chose to accept.

Breaking Through The Clouds

I had a bit of a occupational setback today. I won't go into details, but the second job I just got might not work out. I'll leave it at that.

I'm not going to lie - I'm pretty bummed about this. In fact, I was at my normal job when the tendrils of depression started to sink in. But, before they could really take hold, a voice told me something I needed to hear: "You're stronger than this."

I am. I've struggled with depression; but I'm stronger than it. As many times as I've felt utterly and completely defeated, I'm not. As my dear friend Chris has reminded me in the past, I've overcome so much more than my brain tells me that I have.

Everyone has setbacks. That's life. Everyone struggles from time to time. It is what it is. But, you're bigger than that. Stronger than that. It might not feel like it. I can attest that it definitely doesn't feel that way; but you are. So, instead of accepting defeat, shortcomings, depression, and the dark thoughts in the night - prove to them just how wrong they are.

Because, in the end, you are your own worst enemy. But you can also be your own best friend.

Ground Control To Major Tom

Fate is a funny term. We get all wrapped up in what we suppose is our destiny without taking into accord our day-to-day existence. We think there's this grandiose plan that will...just happen; and suddenly our lives will be complete and make sense. Which, let me assure you, couldn't be further from the truth. I'm not saying that fate doesn't exist - I'm just letting you know from full experience it doesn't exactly happen over night. And there's a lucky 1% of the population that knows what their fate is. Everyone is, quite honestly, grasping at straws. At best.

I titled this post after the David Bowie song Space Oddity for a reason. There's a film out there call The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. It came out in 2013 and stars Ben Stiller (in a very serious role) and Kristen Wiig. This is also probably one of my favorite films of the last five years. The whole premise is about a guy who works at Life magazine who basically doesn't have a life of his own and has this...situation (if you will) which forces him out of his shell and makes him see the world. Wikipedia calls it a "romantic comedy-drama adventure fantasy film"; which I think is an appropriate label for it. Any way, throughout the film, the song Space Oddity by the recently departed David Bowie plays in the background. I won't tell you anything further about the film because I want you to see it. I promise you it's incredibly uplifting.

There's another film along the same vein called Stranger Than Fiction (which is another one of my favorite films). This one came out in 2006 and stars Will Ferrell (in a serious role - that he nails), Emma Thompson, and Dustin Hoffman. IMDb described it as "An IRS auditor suddenly finds himself the subject of a narration that only he can hear: narration that begins to affect his entire life, from his work, to his love-interest, to his death." The last part is both crucial and doesn't really give anything away. But, as with Secret Life, I don't want to go into any more detail because I feel you should watch both.

Both films touch on the theme of main characters who are (somewhat) blissfully going about their lives until there's an external extenuating circumstance that forces them to take chances and changes their lives for the better. Basically, life forces them to start living. Neither one breaks out of their shell easily - which is rather realistic. People don't handle change well. Humans would much rather dwell within their cocoon of perceived reality without much variation to their daily existence. Enough to keep things interesting, but that's about it. And somehow, some way, fate magically just happens and we die fulfilled. That's not living, though. Not by a long shot. We're supposed to take leaps of faith. We're supposed to step out of our comfort zones. We're supposed to take chances - especially the ones we don't have a remote clue in the outcome of. That's how we grow as people. That's how we truly learn who we are and why we're here. Faith is built on the unknown and undiscovered. We're not meant to crawl to our graves - we're suppose to soar to great heights before reaching them. And the only way that can happen is if we let go and just trust that things will work out.

Robin Sharma once stated "Don't live the same year 75 times in a row and call it a life." I'm going to take it a step further and say "Don't live the same 365 days in a row and call it a year." You don't have to do one thing every day that scares you; but you do have to do at least one thing every day that is different. And, seriously, go out and live!! We're promised one life - why waste it?

You Remind Me Of The Babe...

In 1986, there was a film released by the name of the Labyrinth. It starred a then unknown actress by the name of Jennifer Connelly, the fantastic puppetry of Jim Henson and a prolific singer and actor. That artist was David Bowie.

Now, this particular film holds a special place in my heart. I have seen it hundreds of times (probably to the lament of my parents growing up). I can quote it and sing along to it every time I watch it. It never gets stale for me and I appreciate the complex love story the more that I watch it. When he sings at the end, completely exhausted by continually bending over backwards for Sarah, the words "I move the stars for no one"; you truly believe that, in his mind, everything he did, he did for her. Especially when you take into consideration the song "As The World Falls Down" that occurs earlier in the film.

One thing that Labyrinth taught me was that even villains aren't black and white. While fairy tales are filled with Prince Charmings and helpless princesses, this film had a strong female main character who stands up to the one who stole her baby brother and vanquishes him without the help of a male coming in to save the day. And that nemesis of hers is secretly in love with her; and the only reason he stole the baby was that it was she who requested it in the first place. Every character is flawed and three dimensional. They also have their own motives for doing things (which is rare in cinema). And, the most important lesson of the film is to keep your perseverance through all of the storms that life throws at you.

In case you haven't heard, David Bowie passed away yesterday. He was only 69 years and had been battling cancer for 18 months. His career spanned decades; and while he was unbelievably talented in his own right, he also worked with other prolific artists - such as Bing Crosby, Queen, and the aforementioned Jim Henson. And he complimented those that he worked with; not letting his ego overshadow them and try and one up them.

So, rest in peace, Ziggy Stardust. You have earned it.

I Will Follow You Into The Dark.

One of the sweetest songs I have ever heard is "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie. Now, while most of people think of the song as about death (with an atheist overtone); it's actually about the long journey of love. The true marathon of marriage and what it means to have a partner that you want to spend the rest of your life with. And all that entails.

You see, we all romanticize love as this passionate thing. A conflagration of passion and emotion. The great fire between two individuals that burns ever hot. What isn't considered is the quiet times. The boring times.  Times when you don't really have much to talk about - even though you're spending the rest of your days together. When mundane existence is the most prevalent then in your love's story. When the days of wedding bliss transform into a marital monotony, we begin to question if we have made the right decision. Or if it was "worth it". Those doubts are normal - but the real question is this: Will the person I have agreed to spend the rest of my life with suffer when I pass on?

You see, the biggest clause in any lifelong partnership is the inevitable demise of the person you're spending the rest of your life with. With life long coupling comes the death of one of you. Which is why the one thing I am looking for in my mate is will she stay long enough to be my widow. Will my death break her heart into a thousand pieces; or will be be one more fragment in her life's story? Truth be told, if I had any qualifying question, it would be that.

I am loyal. It's just who I am. If I love you and we are truly a couple - there isn't a force that will keep me from you. I will heaven and earth just to spend the day with you. But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will not live forever. I already know that if I were to marry, she would outlast me. Out live me. There will be a day that will pass when I am with you no longer and even I do not have any charge over that. But, in the strange off chance of life's weird winding road that she were to pass before I; then, yes, I would follow her into the dark.

I have spent too much of this life alone. I know of the quiet solitudes of the night. To not share a bed with someone. To not have someone be an centrical  part of my life. But, once that ends - once someone else joins me in that journey towards forever, I know I will never be the same. That bond, that partnership, will be with me until the end of my days. Even through the boring passage of everyday existence.

"You got to spend some time, love. You got to spend some time, with me. I know that you will find, love. I will possess your heart." was one of the opening line of another one of Death Cab's songs ("I Will Possess Your Heart"). Again, it harkens to the opening lines of any relationship. The yearning and desire to spend every moment with the one person who makes you feel the most alive. When the sheer moment of a thought of the individual makes you smile uncontrollably. They call it the "honeymoon phase" and there was one notable Hollywood marriage (Bob and Dolores Hope) proves that even though some marriages last for well over 50 years doesn't mean that they don't remain inseparable. Yet, the best analogy of marriage is the feeling of taking your boots off after spending the day of them. The sheer relief and lack of heaviness that washes over you. That person who still makes you smile and chuckle after spending decades with them. And the one, that one, who will be shaken to the core by your death. That's truly what love is.

This may seem like rambling, but it's something that's been on my heart and in my mind lately. I'm about to have a pretty important birthday (next Wednesday, on the 13th), and I've had far too many of those by myself. Friends sure. Family sure. But a partner... not so much. There's a longing far stronger than I'm willing to admit. Home is not a physical place, but a person you spend it with. And that, my dearest friends. is what I long for the most.